Serra's Ways
by kiaronna
Summary: We all know how... SPECIAL Serra is. She can get into all sorts of trouble. 10th story: Rath, the punk Sacaean, gets some blackmail on Serra. And what does he do with it? ...He gets love advice. Way to go, Rath. Way to go. Don't own FE!
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Well, this is my first FE piece. Please read and review!_

Serra's Ways

Serra was sitting on the ground, re-adjusting her gloves and hair, when a shadow fell over her perfect body.

"What are you DOING?" Came the slightly calm, slightly angry voice of Ann, their tactician. "I told you to go heal Hector AGES ago! And he's still injured!"

Now, Serra being an intelligent and perfect individual, she didn't get angry. "Well, my hair was messed-up. You must understand that my hair is very important to my cleric work." She wrinkled her nose. Elimine's servants weren't supposed to lie. Oh well.

"You didn't follow my orders because your HAIR was MUSSED?"

"Messed," Serra corrected, priding herself on her larger vocabulary.

"No, I meant that- Oh, never mind. Just hurry up and get healing!" She turned, her cloak swishing, and stalked away.

"Meanie," Serra sniffed, standing up. The ground had been too dirty for her holy presence anyway.

However, she had to do something about that boring tactician girl and her stupid ideas. Hector was obviously fine! He wasn't even bleeding too badly!

Although Serra was a bit ruffled by the fact that Ann was slightly pretty. But even then, stupid Ann didn't like to show herself off!! How foolish! Obviously, she had almost as much talent as Serra! How else would she get that stubborn Hector and everyone else to fight for her?

Of course, Serra's sublime-ness clearly overruled Ann's. But still.

So that night, while sulking in her tent over the day's issues, Serra came up with a brilliant plan! It was so perfectly perfect that even that stuffy Ann couldn't help but go along!

Serra had ALWAYS been smart, a genious among her fellow clerics!

Ann had always been able to apply vulneraries well. Of course, she couldn't use something like a staff, but no matter!

Grinning, Serra began to brush her perfectly pink hair with swift, wild strokes.

"I've always wanted to be a tactician!!"

Ann was calmly explaining that day's issues and tomorrow's worries to Marcus, Eliwood, and Lyn (of the three, Lyn was the most fidgety. And Hector hadn't even come at all for fear of Ann's logic and reasoning).

They were all politely listening, and shifting near the fire for warmth.

Then…

Ann was whacked on the head with a Mend staff (cleverly stolen from Priscilla!), and her body was dragged away before anyone could comprehend what had just happened.

Serra was even more confident of her newfound tactician-y powers now.

A gagged Ann was sat against a tree.

"Listen up, Annie," Serra announced. Ann's previous exasperated look turned to one of fury. She HATED that name. Serra knew it, too. Even more brilliance! "I have come up with the most delightful idea! You can be a cleric, and _I_ can be the tactician for a little while!"

Ann glared up at her, and said, "Serra, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Your brain simply cannot comprehend everything that is required for a tactician to comprehend. You will utterly fail and everyone in this army will be annihilated. It will be as if Nergal had descended upon us in the first chapter of Eliwood's story with an army of children of flame, and we will die! It will be as if-"

"I knew you would agree," Serra interrupted, having heard from Ann,

"Smmph, mmt zz dkk mmmsph mmrrphhh mrrrraa phuu e mph. Yoooorebaa smmphe kkkntt kommenph…" And on. You get the idea.

Ann, feeling defeated, slumped against the tree and prepared for "total anarchy", as she would have said.

Serra, feeling especially pleased with herself, twirled around, pigtails flying. "You won't even have to teach me, Ann!"

"Mmooof oooddnnn eennn mmy oo aaapm ooo," Ann responded (It meant, I wouldn't even attempt. It's hopeless).

"I already know everything, I know!"

"MMOOOO." (You are a long, long way from knowing everything, Serra. In fact, your comprehension of the world compared to mine is as a grain of sand pitted against a universe of beaches.)

"So, I'll just go back to the camp now and tell everyone that I'm in charge."

"Mmaphd owkd dwien duiiii." (You already play the part.)

"You just stay here."

"WHAT???" (WHAT???)

By now, as you may have guessed, Ann's mouth was open so wide that the gag simply couldn't cover the whole thing. It fell out.

"Bye-bye."

"B-but, Serra!! There are pillagers out here! You'd be sentencing me to death!"

Serra was already gone.

"Potete cursed per sempre e mai! Maggio il cielo distrugge voi e la vostra posterità!" Ann cried out in a frenzy. If you're wondering, Ann takes Italian. "¡Le odio!!" …And Spanish.

Meanwhile, back at the camp, Lyn, Eliwood, and Marcus were sitting dumbly around the fire. I mean, really. These are people who can't move unless they are controlled by a tactician or a computer. What do you THINK they would do if left unattended? With a plot twist that computers can't understand?

"I'm BACK!" Serra sang. "And guess what?? I'm the new tactician!!"

Staring blankly at her, the two lords and one paladin easily gave up. They were too tired and too uncontrolled to resist Serra's annoying voice and screeching order.

Meanwhile, back near the Ostian tents, where the grass was almost all green for lack of horses, Matthew's eyebrow began to twitch.

"Crikey. Something's wrong."

"Did you just say CRIKEY?" Hector asked, wondering why he had never heard the word before.

"Yeah…" Matthew said. He shook his head. "Never mind. It's just I always get this feeling when that annoying Serra is doing something that's going to make us all into mincemeat."

"And you say crikey?"

"No, I say, 'Blimey! What's wrong now?!'"

"Hm. Well, Matthew, for lack of sleep, you're dismissed for the night."

"But young master-"

Hector pushed him into his tent.

"My crazy servants. Well, no matter how insane, Matthew's probably right. Let's go check on the pink-haired devil."

They all had no idea what they had gotten into…

_A/N: Part 2 next time... This is just going to be a collection of random moments for Serra that I think of._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Thanks to my reviewers... YAY! Yay for Serra the cleric of evil! Well, here's the last part to this small story._

Serra and the Tactician part 2

Serra cackled. The earth started to shake. Of course, Serra's cackle sounded like a bluebird chirping in the morning, or bells ringing, or angels singing… From her point of view. Ahem.

Anyway, Serra was enjoying ordering about her new servants. Of course, every once in a while her good side stopped to wonder if it was right.

Frankly, Serra hated that tiny voice. She often pushed it to the back of her brain. In fact, she had tortured it, killed it, cremated it, cloned it, killed the clones, and cremated their ashes… And somehow, it was still alive.

So, Serra had to settle with whacking it with a stick every once in a while. This might have looked funny to Eliwood, Lyn, and Marcus-

But sadly, they were too busy doing chores to notice.

Serra was rather enjoying having the two lords at her bidding.

And then another small (VERY, VERY SMALL) part of her squeaked, "Aren't there three lords?"

Mistaking it for her 'good side', she whacked it with a stick and it promptly shut up.

However, counting the lords on her perfectly manicured fingers, she realized that maybe her good side had been right. Or not.

Holding up one finger, she said, "This is Lyndis." Holding up another, she added, "And this is Eliwood." Taking her other hand, she counted the fingers that were up. "Six… Three. Yep. I'm good."

Meanwhile, with Hector…

"Blast!! Where is that stupid tactician girl when you need her?!?!" All Hector wanted to do was ask her a question. Such as, 'Is it possible for a cleric to kill someone?' He was almost certain the answer was yes, but then again… He was the one that thought that Axes totally beat Anima in the 'Weapons Pentagon'.

Finally, he gave up on ever finding Ann, and simply decided to find Serra.

Of course, his partner was… Wallace.

"We will SO find Serra! I promise! She's this way!" Wallace added, walking off into the forest.

So Hector followed.

Meanwhile, with Ann…

"Idiotic cleric, leaving me out here all alone… If bandits arrive, they will surely blow me into oblivion. Then, without my presence, the rest of army will surely be blown to smithereens. Perhaps if I manage to chew my bindings off, then I can escape."

Desperately reaching forward her red head, she tried to bite off the ropes. Suddenly, a javelin whisked by.

Screaming, she yelled, "AIUTILO!! I banditi stanno venendo per me! Devo essere conservato per aiutare l'esercito nel conservare il mondo…!!"

With Hector…

"Did you hear something?" He asked Wallace.

"Well… No. But I do sniff something healer-ish about this area."

The bloodstains on the trees didn't happen to clue them in.

"Really?" Hector asked. "I didn't notice. Not over the noise of your javelin. What was that for?"

"No reason," Wallace answered. "I just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything rabid out in front of us."

"Wallace, we're searching for Serra. We're just asking for something rabid and dangerous."

"That's a good point. Wait a second… We're searching for-"

Turning at a tree, they both suddenly tripped over… Ann.

"Tormentatore! Wallace! Ringrazi la qualità! Undo i miei grippaggi! Serra lo ha omesso qui tutto il solo! Ho pensato che MORISSI!" You can guess who said THAT.

"Is that Ann?" Hector asked.

"Er… Lord Hector?"

"Yes?"

"We're searching for Serra?"

"Heck yeah! Who did you think we were searching for?!"

"…Priscilla."

Hector banged his head against the closest tree (Ann's), squishing Ann in the process.

Switching languages, Ann said, muffled, "Aren't you going to untie me?"

Shivering, Wallace screamed and ran away. Well… Generals can't really run. A turtle passed him on the way. Thankfully for Wallace, Hector had armor just as heavy as him.

"What the heck?! Come back here!" Chasing after him, Hector disappeared into the trees.

Ann let out a little whimper. So close, and yet so far. "Why me?" She yelled, into the darkness. Sadly, there was no one there.

Serra let out a squeal. "You can't be serious!! Why would Lord Hector be searching for ME?" She tapped her chin.

Again, her other side squealed, "See, there's Lord Hector too!"

"Shut up, voices, or else I'll poke you with a stick again!" She threatened.

Matthew ignored that little statement, and simply said, "He wanted to make sure you weren't doing anything-"

"Lyn, why are you just standing there? I TOLD you to scrub my tent down with your hair!!" Lyn's bright green hair was now completely brown.

"I… I did, Lady Serra."

Matthew was too busy laughing his head off at Lyn's hair to notice that she was practicially worshipping Serra.

"Anyhoo, Matthew," Serra continued, "If Lord Hector is looking for me, tell him that I only court in the daytime."

"COURT?!" Matthew started to guffaw, then to choke. "That's not it at all!!"

"Aw, Matthew, it's okay. Just because he's royalty doesn't mean I'll pick him over you. All my suitors are given equal chances!"

Matthew turned as green as Lyn's previous hair color. "S-Suitor?"

And then, as Serra was about to respond, she was whacked on the head by a javelin. Knocking her out cold.

Matthew was too busy hurling to help Serra, so she was on the ground for a long time.

And THAT'S when the bandits attacked.

Everyone was in a blind panic. Two of their walls, Hector and Wallace, were missing, and, most importantly, Ann was missing.

The world seemed like it was about to end… And then, Serra appeared, riding on a golden chariot and holding a staff above her head.

"I AM THE TACTICIAN!!" She yelled.

Far from calming down, the sane members of the army panicked even more.

"We're all going to DIE," Erk wailed.

"Nonsense, Erk," Serra chirped. "Not with me at your command!"

Erk got even gloomier.

And then the bandits appeared on the horizon. Mean, cruel bandits with the same faces!!

The two armies began to clash. Blood flew, and Eliwood's army was barely winning. In fact, it was losing. Not from Serra's point of view. She just sat in the back and did her nails.

"Serra!" One member of their army yelled, "Give us directions!"

"Hold on," Serra said, rolling her eyes. Nobody could ever understand her perfection. "Don't you see that I'm painting my nails, here?"

"And you just keep on doing that," a rough voice whispered behind her.

Screeching, Serra threw her polish up in the air, threw her hands to the floor, and propelled herself upward.

A bandit stood behind her, his bloody axe just waiting to take a bite of her delicate skin.

It all seemed over for Serra. She put her hands dramatically in front of her face.

And that's when she noticed the dirt on her previously perfectly painted fingernails.

In a millisecond, Serra had whipped out another bottle of polish, put two red streaks on her cheeks, and let out a war cry.

"YOU RUINED MY NAIL-JOB! YOU MUST DIE!!" All girls know that what makes men die without violence. Giving them makeup.

Diving forward, she got one of his nails painted red.

Screaming, he decided he'd prefer death to having nail polish on, and immediately went to the brook to drown himself (and also to remove the polish).

Lucius stood at the head of the army, praying. "Elimine will save us. She must." Then he blew up a bandit.

It all looked over, Elimine or not… And then, a girl practically FLEW from the horizon!

"St. Elimine!!" Lucius screeched.

It was Serra. "DIE, MALES!" She yelled.

All the males, even the ones in Eliwood's army, let out a very un-manly squeal, and dropped into the feudal position as they tried to protect their fingernails from becoming girly.

Serra landed gracefully beside the thumb-sucking Lucius.

"Silly," she said, "It's only males that should fear fingernail polish."

Lucius let out a wail and didn't respond.

Ann's whole body twitched. She was trying to imagine herself somewhere else- ANYWHERE else.

Harry Potter world! Yeah!

And then her binds caught on fire. She screamed.

And then Athos appeared, holding a Forblaze. "Are you all right, young tactician?"

"I am most certainly not all right. I have been attached to a tree by Serra!!!" She paused, and glanced at Athos for a second. Then she let out a wild yell. "DUMBLEDORE!!!!"

"What?"

Stepping forward, Serra managed to pry the hands of the nearest bandit out of his mouth. Screaming, they all fled. Whether it was from the terror of nail polish, or the terror of Serra, we'll never know.

Serra put the nail polish away, and the dark clouds that had flown above them disappeared. The sun shone, and the males of Eliwood's army were safe again.

Then, a robed blonde-haired woman floated down from the sky! "I am Elimine. Serra, for once in your life, you have done something good for mankind. I am here to reward you by offering you a place in heaven-"

"Shut up, good side," Serra said.

And then she whacked Elimine with a stick.

_A/N: Well, I have another idea for the next one. You can probably guess it!! Tell me how I did in reviews!_

_Reviewers talk-y thing:_

_Tri17: Yeah, I felt sorry for Ann. At least she's saved now!_

_Cheea5: Yay for misery! You're welcome!_


	3. Chapter 3

Serra's Ways

_A/N: Um, if you don't like Harry Potter, you probably won't like this. Since it's a spin-off, it's only gonna be one chapter. Woohoo. Yay!! I got REVIEWS!! THANK YOU PEEPS!! Oh, yeah. I don't own FE or Harry Potter. Or pretty much anything else except for Ann and this plot. Well, I don't really own the plot. So sue me. NOT LITERALLY!!!_

Eliwood, Lyn, and Marcus woke up the next day, feeling strangely different. Besides the fact that their only memory of the previous day was of Serra pouncing on them, and then it all went pink, Lyn's hair was brown and so badly tangled that she had to actually take it out of the ponytail and brush it. She usually only did that once a year.

Eliwood was so dazed he couldn't piece a sentence together and screamed whenever he saw anything moving, like bugs, spiders, leaves, etc.

Hector was the least damaged of all of them. However, he now had a scar on his forehead, caused by running through the forest too fast (for a heavy-armor person, ahem). He got whacked on the head by a tree branch.

Meanwhile, Serra would have been punished for her crime of tying Ann to a tree, and becoming the tactician, but she happened to be holding a stick at the trial, and Lucius was the judge, and... Well, you know what a sap Lucius is.

Anyhoo, everything was going just dandy. Ann had already decided that Serra would 'accidentally' be dropped on the front lines, with all the rest of the army on the other side of the mountain range. She could imagine the screams and the horror. She felt slightly bad about it, actually.

I mean, the people in the Black Fang didn't know they'd be up against a pink-haired cleric, with amazing lung and girly power.

Then, randomly, the King of Bern popped up on a mountainside, screamed at the heavens, uttered a few curse words, and ran gaily down to Eliwood's army.

"Black Fang, my son's innauguration is tomorrow, and I don't want him to become king," he whined. "So, here's the Fire Emblem, now go and hide it."

The army stared blankly at him.

"We are not the Black Fang," Eliwood pointed out. "We are good. You, on the other hand, are plotting to be evil. We now know your plot and will assist the prince in becoming king."

Well... That's what Eliwood NORMALLY would have said. Instead, he made a strange face, and said,

"Mum, we aren't evil. We're good. Spiders are evil."

"RIGHT..." The king gave them a wink. "Of course you're good. Now here's your money."

Farina, never one to refuse money, dived foward, and took the Fire Emblem and the money.

"You're welcome, sir!"

Fiora stomped on her foot, exclaimed, "Bad sister!" And glared.

Farina ignored her, and trotted to the nearest village to do whatever she pleased with the money.

However, she left the Fire Emblem behind.

Athos took it in his hands. "Children," he said, "We must hide this Emblem until the day of Zephiel's inaguration. Then we will present it to him and crown him king."

He threw the Fire Emblem into a nearby tree trunk, put a couple of spells on it, and went away to scold Farina.

After he was gone, Nergal went and crawled in the hole.

"Eliwood! Hector! Lyn! DO something!" Ann cried.

She looked desperately at the three of them.

Lyn was scowling at the drooling Eliwood, who was muttering something about spiders, Hector was picking at the scar on his forehead, and Serra was laughing maniacally and monologuing about an evil plan.

Of course, Ann ignored Serra, and simply climbed into the hole herself.

It took a while, but eventually, all the other members of the army realized that their tactician was gone. Several lost it immediately, but others decided that they needed to do something before they ALL went insane. Others had been insane long before she left, and were unaffected.

Therefore, on accident, Eliwood ran into the hole. Lyn, Hector, and other peeps jumped in after him. How sad.

Erm, anyhoo, then they were all falling. Let's just skip along to the part where they save the world!!

Huh? You wanna hear about it?

Oh, okay. No.

Eliwood stood in front of a mirror, looking perplexed.

Hector stood beside him, looking bored with the whole magical situation. Lyn was... Well, I don't know where Lyn was.

That went on for a while. Then, Eliwood leaned over to Hector. "Who's that? They look like me."

Hector didn't reply, just plunged his hand into Eliwood's non-existent pocket and pulled out a Fire Emblem.

They both stared at it, mesmerized, until Ann popped up and snatched it. "Sorry. I wondered where that went. Ahem."

She then held out THE Fire Emblem, a jewel-thingy, and handed it to Hector.

Then, there was a bone-chilling laugh behind them.

It was Nergal, looking very evil with his turban and all.

"Now I shall kill you all!"

The three just stared at him. Then Ann broke out laughing.

"YOU? You are an imbecile. You are quite easily defeated, especially with the use of the weapons triangle. However, your summoning powers are quite useful, as your people of quintessence can possibly kill many of our elite army before we reach you."

Nergal just shook his head. "If I understood any of that," he said, "Then I would probably disagree with you. However, it is not my power alone that will defeat you!"

The three of them stared at him, non-believing.

"It is the power of my master!"

Then their looks changed to perplexed. Ann's changed to one of slight connection.

"It is-"

"She-who-must-not-be-named!" A random person screamed in the background.

"Rammendarli, Harry Potter," Ann uttered.

"Serra!!!" Serra then stepped out from the door that Eliwood and Hector had entered through.

Everybody gasped. The Harry-Potterness of it all was killing Ann. However, Eliwood and Hector had never heard of it. All they knew was that a member of THEIR army was cooperating with Lord Nergal.

And, gosh darn it, it was Serra. How had they not seen this coming? Now the other army had a weapon that could destroy the world!!! (Duh duh duh!!!)

Serra held her staff above her head, ready to blast them all away with evil yet light magic, when the staff cracked.

Some of her own words came back to her. 'Only those in the service of good can use them'.

"ELIMINE!" She yelled, throwing the staff to the floor.

"What happened, mum?" Eliwood asked.

"It appears that, through some twisted author, an already evil person can't use good magic just because she's joined the evil side."

"That doesn't make any sense," Hector pointed out. "Valkyries can use healing staffs. And we see them and clerics on the evil side all the time."

"Tell that to Kiaya."

Serra squealed. She didn't care that she'd just lost a position of great power, or that Nergal had been working for her- She just cared that she was now without the title of cleric- Meaning that she could no longer wear the sensible yet stylish dress that only looked good on clerics.

"CURSE YOU ELIMINE!!!" She cried.

In heaven, or wherever Elimine was, since God's supposed to have heaven, she laughed her head off, and ate a piece of chocolate cake for the first time since she had started her diet 1,000 years ago. After all, old ladies have to look good too.

_A/N: Yay, time to talk to reviewers!! Yay Tri17 and Cheea5, who came back for more craziness!! _

_Tri17- Yay, Ann's okay! I'm too attached to her to kill her. She's kind-of like me!_

_HellfireSupremacy- GMO, I get a seal of approval? Yay! Thank you!_

_Erlrune- Whee, thanks! I checked out your story, too! Didja get the review?_

_Cheea5- I laughed at your review! That's MY job! It is too a lie, because Serra didn't do it on purpose! Thank you for the review! _

_Hope y'all liked this chapter! If you didn't, I've got another one that's hopefully better coming up, too! Yay!_


	4. Chapter 4

Serra and Her Army Of DOOOOOOM

_A/N: Dude, I'm back with Serra! Oh, and the first part is SOOO part of the story! Kinda. Oh, and I'm just referring to myself as Kiaya in third person because... I can. I don't own Fiddler on the Roof, Fire Emblem, or really anything else besides this plot and Kiaya, and Ann's character. Yeah_.

_Kiaya sat at her computer, typing. She tapped her chin, and then yanked out some of her brown hair._

_"Darn you, Serra! I can't think of anything for you to do!"_

_"Really?" Serra sat beside her in a seat, holding a therapist-like pencil and notepad. "How does that make you feel?"_

_"Serra, quit freaking me out and help me write this."_

_"..."_

_"You can't write, can you?"_

_"I can write my name!" She pouted, twirling pink hair around one finger._

_"Really? Amazing." Kiaya returned to typing._

_"You're a meanie."_

_"I'M a meanie? YOU'RE the one trying to take over the world!"_

_"But that's different."_

_"NO IT ISN'T!!"_

_Serra's incredibly short patience snapped._

_She whacked Kiaya on the head wi_

_kayaa wus kidin_

_shes uka_

_noe on too stori_

_AMAZINN ADVNTURS OV SERRA TE BOOTIFULL AND GOREGOSS KLERRICK_

_serra wus preti and kindd and smrt. she wus te roler ov te werldd_

_iliwod and lin and hektorR al likeed her_

_te maan wite te bLak rappp ting worseped her and dID wut she sad_

_one da serra wus m_

_"Ahem," Kiaya said, hiding something behind her back. "I apologize for any crude misspellings or improper grammer."_

_Ann popped up and high-fived her for awesomeness with big words._

_"Anyway, please enjoy the REAL story."_

* * *

Serra scowled and began to pace. Her other plans to rule the world hadn't worked, so... 

She snapped her fingers in joy, jumping up to dance (I won't describe the dance for its horribly bad moves and sad theme music).

"I know what I'll do!"

* * *

Hector sat down, looking very fat in his armor. Ann sat beside him, scowling over the "complete inadequacy of the army that I command", as she would have said. Eliwood had, thankfully, regained as much sanity as was possible for the fighting war-hater, and was sitting there calmly. Lyn sat beside him, and was being all feisty, as usual. 

"So, what are we going to do about Serra this time?" The biggest lord asked, rolling his eyes.

"She requires JUSTICE!!!" Eliwood screeched, jumping up with his sword, slitting one side of Lyn's only decent-for-male-eyes dress. "JUUUUUSSSSTTTTIIIIIICCCCEEEE!!!!!!!!!!" Okay, so I lied. Eliwood's got his gallant manner back, but... Er... Not quite his sanity. So sue me.

"If it was a-me, I would throw her in a pit with Cheep-cheeps and sharks and let them deal with her," Matthew suggested. Then he remembered that he was not a fat plumber in red, did not know what he was talking about, and had never heard of it before. Frankly, he shut up. Matthew, king of the crossovers. Yeeeaaaahhhh...

Hector paused to consider this absolutely brilliant idea. "No. It's not cruel enough."

"Legarla ad un albero," a mystery person piped up. "E batterlacon i bastoni."

Eliwood picked his nose, all while mumbling, "Juuuuusssssttttttiiiiicccceeeeee..."

"We need to do something that makes all the Serras of theworld want to crawl in a hole and die," Hector announced, thumping a fist in his open hand.

"Evil is never truly annihalated," the same mystery person added sadly.

* * *

"Eee hee hee hee, eee hee hee hee," Serra laughed. Well, dude. Serra can't do the evil laugh. She's not that type of girl. She's too preppy and hyper and all that. 

"Sister Serra, why are we doing this?" A female-like male (MALE, MALE, MALE, MALE, SO TOTALLY MALE) monk stood behind her.

"Because if you didn't," Serra said. "I would be unhappy. And you don't want THAT, do you, Lucius?"

"W-well, I don't want you to be sad, because I love and cherish the whole world, but... If you're plotting to destroy the world, wouldn't that sadness of everyone outweigh yours?"

Serra had tuned out at about the 'because' part, because she simply doesn't have that long an attention span. So, she simply smiled and said, "Great! Now COPY ME!!!" She screeched.

"Er..." Lucius gulped. "Tee hee hee?"

Serra smacked Lucius upside the head. "NOOOOO!!!! Eee hee hee!!"

"But isn't tee hee hee more innocent...?"

"You're missing the point, Lucius. You're my vassal now. You have to do what I say whether you get the point or not!!"

"Vassal?"

"Yeah, like a lady-in-waiting."

"But..."

"But what, Lucius? You're gonna make me cry!!!" She then did the stupidest attempt at puppy dog eyes the world had ever seen. She looked more like a fish than a puppy dog. I'd describe it, but words cannot describe the horridness of what she did.

Lucius, no matter how disgusting, would not say anything cruel.

"Er... Sister Serra..."

"I've told you. We're gonna get an army of clerics together to RULE THE WORLD!!!" She pumped a fist in the air as a spinning disk-like thing appeared behind her. It looked slightly like Elibe.

* * *

"We could push her off the edge of the world," Lyn suggested. 

"For... the... last... time..." Ann muttered in aggravation, "The world is a SPHERE! It is NOT flat."

* * *

For some reason, the spinning disk-thing disappeared to be replaced by a bouncing ball. 

Anyhoo, Serra was feeling all proud-and-mighty, until...

"Sister Serra... I have... Two things to say," Lucius said. Serra opened her mouth, but by some strange law she couldn't speak. The heavens almost opened up and angels almost poured out, singing of blessings.

Almost.

"First of all... I am male. I am a monk, not a cleric."

Sadly, the quietness ended. "Wait a minute..." She glanced at him, as if she had a thought... If Serra had thoughts to have, ahem. "Nope, don't believe it. Now, on to planning for my ARMY OF CLERICS!!"

Lucius, who had good manners and could not interrupt a lady while speaking (once poor Lucius had endured 47 hours from his Aunt Olga, who could talk ALMOST as long as Serra), had to wait for his turn.

The sun set.

The sun rose.

Sunrise.

Sunset.

Sunrise.

Sunset.

Drifting through the years... Just kidding. But it WAS all those sun-rise/sets.

Eventually, Serra had to pause to take a breath.

"Sister Serra..."

"I KNOW it's a great plan!!"

"Clerics can't fight."

Serra's happily bouncing pigtails went limp, as she stared up at him with a look of fury and realization.

"Clerics... Can't... Fight." Suddenly, Serra was on fire, and she pulled out a stick, and chased Lucius off into the horizon.

* * *

"Frankly, I don't think it's possible to kill her," Lyn moaned, "Because she's got so much energy and evilness." 

"So what should we do?"

Eliwood stood up, pointed his sword at the sky, and said, "We shall... DO NOTHING."

"But we can't just stand-"

"What if I order Jaffar to murder her? Could, perhaps, he get past her evilness and preppiness?" Ann mused.

"Not enough," Lyn moaned.

"I concur, Lyn," Ann sighed. "She's invincible. But, perhaps, Elimine can assist!!"

Just then, an army of people with the same faces appeared.

"Darn, this is NOT a good time," Hector yelled. "Half the army's off-"

And then, Pent and Jaffar appeared, and quite literally blasted away every single one. The only thing left was their charred bodies... And those were the lucky ones. Seriously, Pent and Jaffar are that awesome.

"Well," Hector said, "Darn again."

"But the bandits are gone," Lyn pointed out.

"Yeah," Hector said. "But I don't get to kick anyone's butt."

"Oh."

* * *

Serra was still chasing Lucius when she suddenly tripped. Majestically, of course. Beautifully, of course. 

And it had to be tripping over a stupid dead bandit, that was slightly smoking.

Forgetting her wrath, she pointed to it and said, "Slave, take it away."

Lucius paused, then decided that his life was slightly more important than good manners, and ran.

Serra sighed. "Well, there goes my cleric army plan... Why does Elimine hate me so much?"

* * *

Elimine was scribbling on a piece of parchment. 

"Reason #28839999," she stated, "Because she's an idiot."

* * *

Serra finally noticed Lucius gone. Then she noticed something HIGHLY horrible to her beauty. 

HUNDREDS of burning bandits lay around her.

So, Serra did what Serra was born to do.

She screamed.

* * *

"Did you hear that?!" Hector yelled, jumping up. "Elimine! What WAS that?"

"It sounded like a human dying a horridly painful death at the end of my blade," Lyn said.

"It sounded like what nuclear fusion might theoretically sound according to the Tromson theory." You don't have to guess who that was.

"It sounded like Serra," Eliwood said, plainly. The stupidest answer was also the correct one.

"You're right," Hector mused. "But, did she have to scream so LOUD?" He pressed a hand against his ear. "That scream could wake the dead."

* * *

Serra pitifully turned around and tossed her pink hair. "WHY???!! I wanted an army SOOOO bad! And Elimine ALWAYS gives her children what they ask for!!!!!" (("You're no child of mine. I'd disowned you long ago," a voice said from the sky. Sadly, no one heard)) 

"I have an army," a voice behind her croaked.

Serra ALMOST screamed again, but didn't, and whipped around with a stick.

"Who's there? I've got a stick!" She threatened.

What might have once been a human stood in front of her. "I have an army."

Serra would have gaped, but she was too pretty to gape. Instead, she drooled.

"So... Who are you?" She asked suspiciously.

Then, before her very eyes, what she had thought was a dead bandit popped up from the ground beside her.

"Such a loud noise!" He yelped. "I can't be dead like that!"

Serra laughed maniacally and rubbed her hands together.

"My army has come to me!! Eee hee hee!!"

* * *

_A/N: Didja enjoy it? Part two next time!! Please review!! OH, and I don't own Mario either. Wheee. Review, yay!! It makes me type faster! Well, not really. _

_Cheea5- You reviewed AGAIN!! AND you made me laugh again! Thank you! I hope you liked this!!_

_Tri17- I'm sorry it was confusing... It's hard to do spoofs, so I think I'll probably stick with weird stories like this one. I hope this one was less confusing and more funny!! Thanks for the review!!_

_If you need translations of what Serra's story was earlier, here it is. Just so you can have the idiocy with correct spelling._

_Kiaya was kidding._

_She's okay._

_Now on to the story._

_Amazing Adventures of Serra the Beautiful and Gorgeous Cleric_

_Serra was pretty and kind and smart. She was the ruler of the world._

_Eliwood and Lyn and Hector liked her._

_The man with the black wrap thing worshipped her and did what she said (That would be Nergal)._

_One day Serra was m_

_Well, I'll probably have the next chapter done in a week or less. Depends on how my other stories are. Bye! Review!_


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: I don't own the Lion King, or Fire Emblem, or really anything else except for this plot (if it could be called that) and Ann's character. Oh, yeah!! Thanks a ton to reviewers_!

* * *

Serra's Army of DOOOOMM part 2 

"I get the feeling that something's wrong," Hector said.

"Blimey, crikey, what's wrong with you," Matthew almost burped out the words.

"Yep, my Matthew sense is going crazy. Serra's doing something really bad."

"Serra is ALWAYS doing something exceptionally naughty," Ann pointed out.

All the rest of the crew nodded in agreement.

* * *

"All right!!" Serra yelled, brandishing her staff. "I've now organized you into attack groups! Get into your group!! NOWWWWW!!!" 

A random bandit that was still smoking at the head popped up. "Excuse me, Miss Serra..."

"THAT'S 'SERRA QUEEN OF EVERYTHING AND ALL PLACE AND TIME AND RULER OF GIRLINESS AND PREPPINESS AND AWESOMENESS AND COOLNESS AND BEAUTY AND GORGEOUSNESS AND AMAZINGNESS AND CLERICNESS AND HAPPINESS AND EVILNESS AND CUTENESS AND PINKNESS AND PIGTAILNESS AND EVILNESS AGAIN' TO YOU!"

Then she whacked him on the head with her staff, and it broke.

The boy's skull, not her staff, of course. After all, what's a cleric without her staff? He died.

"Er..." Another bandit piped up, obviously not understanding that he was dealing with a crazed lunatic with pink pigtails. "Do you have a nickname?"

"Why, yes," Serra said, in some crazy way being sweet. "It is this: 'SERRA QUEEN OF EVERYTHING AND ALL PLACE AND TIME AND RULER OF GIRLINESS AND PREPPINESS AND AWESOMENESS AND COOLNESS AND BEAUTY AND GORGEOUSNESS AND AMAZINGNESS AND CLERICNESS AND HAPPINESS AND EVILNESS AND CUTENESS AND PINKNESS AND PIGTAILNESS.'"

"But isn't that the same?"

"No, I cut out the last evilness."

"But I can't remember all that!"

"Then you deserve to die."

"Oh, 'SERRA QUEEN OF EVERYTHING AND ALL PLACE AND TIME AND RULER OF GIRLINESS AND PREPPINESS AND AWESOMENESS AND COOLNESS AND BEAUTY AND GORGEOUSNESS AND AMAZINGNESS AND CLERICNESS AND HAPPINESS AND EVILNESS AND CUTENESS AND PINKNESS AND PIGTAILNESS.' Please don't kill me!"

"Did I ever tell YOU you could use my nickname?"

The bandit gulped. "And EVILNESS AGAIN'?"

"DIIIIIIEEEEE!"

With that, she killed her second undead bandit of the day.

"Anyhoo, what was that first boy's question anyway?"

"I know," another bandit said. You have to feel kinda sorry for them. After all, they're that dumb. "It was what group he was in. In fact... What group am I in?"

"You're in the Pretty Ponies group. He was in the Preppy Group of Evil. All right. The Pretty Ponies group goes over there. The Preppy Group of Evil goes over there. The I Am Pretty group goes there. Oh, and the Barbie Girl group is over there."

All of the bandits swallowed. In fact, they had no idea what groups they were in. The speech had been so long about ruling the world they had fallen asleep before she got to the part they needed to know.

So they randomly separated and hoped she didn't kill them all.

In fact, despite her killing over it earlier, Serra didn't even notice.

* * *

"We need someone who can withstand Serra's voice AND her ugly looks." 

"We require Helen Keller." You can tell who said that.

"But what are you going to do when Serra shows up with her army of DOOOMM?"

All of the lords and Ann turned to stare at the new arrival.

"Really," the girl said. "Trust me, I know what she's doing."

"Why's that?"

"Because!" The girl beamed. "I'm Kiaya!"

Ann looked at her for about 2 seconds. Then she grabbed Lyn's Sol Katti and proceeded to attempt murder.

Hector stopped her. "She's just a teenager, Ann! Why are you trying to kill her? She just told us her name!"

"That," Ann panted, pointing the wrong end of the sword at Kiaya's throat un-dangerously, "Is... The... Author..."

"Author?" The others had no clue.

"She is the one that's making Serra go mad and ASSISTING her by using insane story plots!!!"

The three lords turned dangerously on the poor girl.

"WAIT!!!" Kiaya screamed. "FIRST YOU NEED TO BREAK FROM THIS STUPID CYCLE OF PLANNING TO KILL SERRA AND GET IT DONE!"

The others got her point and nodded slowly.

"See..." The girl panted. "I know what you've been doing, because I've been writing it. And man, you've been planning a long time so I could get Serra ready. Now... I have one last thing to say." She paused. "Toodeloo, crazies!"

And then she disappeared.

* * *

Serra sat at the back of the army. 

"But... Why are you back there?" One unfortunate bandit asked.

"Because. This is the way the game makers always put it. An army with a couple of annoying twits in the back to make things harder." She pointed to an archer with a ballistae that magically appeared. "See? Look, there's a ballistae right there. More annoying things."

Then she killed the bandit.

"Plus... I have to do my nails."

* * *

"If what that girl said is true," Lyn said, "Then we have to be prepared for war." 

"What are you TALKING about, Lyn??? We can't beat SERRA!"

Just then, Lucius appeared.

He ran smack dab into Ann.

"I am so sorry!!! I will never do it again!!! Elimine, forgive me of my horrible crimes!"

"Lucius, it figures it's you," Ann muttered. "It's quite all right. I accept your apology."

Then she thumped her hand in her fist. "Now. ON TO WAR!!"

So everybody trooped off to go kick some undead bandits' butts.

* * *

Then, they all died in horrible, horrible ways at the hands of Serra's Army of DOOOOMM (And pretty things). Serra then went on to conquer the Black Fang through careful deception, and then went on to enslave people into building stairs into the skies so she could personally kill Elimine. 

In other words, the world ended.

(Cheers come from the crowd as they all burst into invisible and dry tears. The living actors come foward and take a bow as they step over the dead bodies of their former comrades.)

Nah, just kidding. Golly gee, only drama stories end with bad endings. This is just comedy, so no worries! Hakuna Matata, or whatever.

Anyhoo, on to the REAL ending!!

* * *

Serra's army really was winning. Eliwood's army was taking a bad beating as they repeatedly cut off numerous body parts of the opposing army, only to be responded to by another sword stroke. 

They all looked as good as dead.

No, sillies, not the already-dead people. Eliwood's army!

And then, as an extremely large bandit rose over the three lords, threatening a fast and painful Game Over (Sad theme music), a savior descended from the heavens.

Okay, well, I pulled that out. It was a tree, though! And no, it wasn't Elimine!

It was...

It was...

EW, IT'S ON ME GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF

Ahem. It was a spider.

Little Miss Serra was in for a scare-a

While painting her nails in a blur

Then a spider sat down beside her

And then she screamed, the cur

Well. We all know what happens when Serra screams.

Continents sink and break apart. Meteorites hit the Earth. The sun turns into a vortex that sucks in everything in its HUGE sight. People die, children cry (and then die).

But in this special case, all the bandits frankly decided they'd rather be dead and far away in heaven (or, in their case, another not-so-great place) than alive and listening to that girl scream.

So they all died.

And Serra was left there, standing alone as she finished her ever-lasting scream.

* * *

The members of Eliwood's Elite were left. 

And for the first time, Matthew decided,

_Our side doesn't look so fun compared to the dead guys_.

* * *

_A/N: Well, there we go! I hope that was in less than a week. I've had a problem with my computer and it wasn't operational for a day or two. Next week, though, I'll have something that will take up most of my free time, so chapter updating will be slow._

_And then in the next week or so, we're going on vacation to a place with no internet, so no updates at all. I think I'm gonna cry. Well, until that's over... I'm sorry!!!! Nothing can be done. Anyhoo, I hope you enjoyed that chapter. _

_Okay. I already did the disowning. Oh, and Helen Keller really is awesome. It's impossible for me to imagine life without sight and hearing. She was an amazing person to learn despite it. So earlier, I wasn't making fun of her. I'm sorry if anybody thought I was._

_Tri17: Thank you so much! You're the only reviewer this time... Oh well!! You reviewed anyway! Anyhoo, you rock. Yeah, I liked Elimine too. I didn't really include her in this chapter because I didn't find a good part to throw her sarcasticness in. I tried, but I failed. Sorry... I'll be sure to include her next chapter. Thank you so much for reviewing and I hope you enjoyed this!_

_The next chapter will be up sometime this week, I'm pretty sure._


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Okay, I don't own FE or any of the characters or any of these stores. I kinda own this plot. I didn't copy it or anything. Please read, review, and enjoy! And thanks to all my reviewers! _

The Magical Mall

Eliwood's group was all randomly wandering around hoping to run into some bad guys with weapons.

Eliwood was skipping along, Lyn was following him as she did some ceremonial Sacaean dance of war, Hector was eating a lollipop, Kent had stolen and was now reading Canas' book, Sain was flirting (no matter how out of character the others get, Sain doesn't need to change. He's already so idiotic), Jaffar was singing something that sounded suspiciously like something a purple dinosaur would sing... Oooookkaaaay. Enough of the creepiness. Jaffar's was going WAY too far.

Anyway, everybody was doing their thing, all except for Serra.

She was standing at the back of the army, being mysteriously quiet.

"Hey," Hector remarked, giving his lollipop a lick, "Did Serra die the last battle?"

"Did you hear something last battle that resembled the earth blowing up?" Erk asked dryly.

"Er... No."

"Then she's alive."

"Well then why don't I hear her now?"

Erk shrugged.

Hector cheered up as he reached the tootsie roll in the center. "Let's ask Ann!" He looked around. "Er... Where is Ann?"

* * *

Elimine sat on her cloud throne, staring down gloomily at the swirls of clouds beneath her. 

"Hey!" A voice chirped. It was Hanon. "Turn that frown upside-down!"

Elimine put her head in her hands. "Haaannnooooooonnn... I CAN'T! That darn Serra has been defying my rules for a long time! I MUST FIND A WAY TO KILL HER OFF!!"

"But aren't you in charge of souls and lives and stuff?"

"Yeah, but..." Elimine had a scowl, "She's already been offered a place in heaven by me. Unless I find some special way to kill her, she'll come up here." Elimine shivered as she thought of Serra being there. "Myself!" She cursed. "I couldn't stand it if she was here! I know it's selfish, but if she comes here, I'll never hear the end of it. I'd rather die than have her come up here!"

"What if she dies of her own will?" Hanon suggested, whipping out a book. It said, _'Being God for Dummies'_. "It says here that if they die of their own will you don't have to accept them in heaven."

Elimine had an evil grin, but it soon disappeared. "Yeah, but she clings to life like Sain to women!"

Hanon became perplexed. "Who's Sain?"

"Oh, never mind. How will I make her die of her own will?"

"Well, what does she like to do?"

"What do you THINK she likes to do?"

"Er... Fight? Be bloody? Kill people?"

"No, idiot!" Elimine shook her head. "She paints her nails, frolics in flowers, waves a pretty staff, shops, wears pretty dresses and high heel-" Elimine paused as she was struck by an idea. "She SHOPS, Hanon!"

"Yeah, but so do you..."

"Well, then... Have you ever heard the phrase, 'Shop till you drop?'"

Hanon, ever honest, shook his head. "No."

Elimine sighed and pulled a cloud lever. Hanon dropped, screaming, out of her sight.

"Now I begin my evil plan!" She laughed. "Tee hee hee!!! I shall begin a line of designer clothes!!!" She tapped her chin. "Okay, well... Maybe not. PLAN B!!!"

* * *

Ann had noticed the absence of noise much quicker than Hector and Erk had. Therefore, she was already investigating. 

"Serra?" She asked, after suspiciously shoving something in her ears.

Serra's head turned. Her pigtails were limp. Her eyes were saggy. She looked downright dead, and just as ugly.

Ann screamed, and quickly turned her head away. "What HAPPENED TO YOU?"

Serra opened her mouth, and a fly crawled out. "Serra... Need... To... Shop..."

Ann's nose wrinkled.

"I don't require ANOTHER third person speaker in my army," she muttered, throwing a thumb over her shoulder at Karel. "It's horribly bad for grammer.

"Karel will defeat you... Karel's sword thirsts for your blood..."

Serra put a finger in her ear and brought out a load of earwax. She threw it in her mouth and began to chew. "Shop..."

"Despicable!!" Ann's face turned green. "And what's this about shopping?"

Matthew appeared. "Like all girls, she requires shopping to keep her alive. However, this girl seems to have a falty metabolism that requires her to shop quite frequently. Sadly, you haven't sent her to any weapon or magic shops lately, so she, quite frankly, is dying."

"Matthew, what the...?" Ann gaped.

Matthew shrugged. "I think I've talked to you too much."

Ann agreed. "Oh, and Matthew, while you're here, do you mind telling me why you're so biased?"

Matthew slipped away.

"Darn. It seemed like a wonderful research topic..."

"Ann!" Hector barreled up to her. "Ann, have you seen- IN THE NAME OF ELIMINE, WHAT IS THAT THING NEXT TO YOU?!?!"

Ann looked over and wished she hadn't. "Oh, that's Serra."

Hector gaped. "W-what?"

"Serra. According to Matthew, she needs to shop to live."

Hector looked confused for a second, then his face cleared. "Then, in Elimine's name, DON'T LET HER SHOP!"

Serra began to pick her nose. "Shop..."

"I concur," Ann agreed.

Just then, out of nowhere, a MALL appeared!

Okay, so FE characters don't know what a mall is. But ANN knows what a mall is, and apparently Elimine does too. Dude, Elimine knows everything.

"What kind of building is that?" Hector asked, turning to it, reading a sign. "Ellie's Mall, come on in and shop till you drop!"

Ann's face turned sour as she thought about screaming. "Elimine, it's a MALL!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"Mall?" Serra perked up, in some way knowing that mall meant "shop". Probably courtesy of Hector...

"What's a mall?"

"It's a horrible place where women go to shop for hours on end. They can stay all day, and if they could, they'd stay all night. They have about a billion stores and you can get lost in there. It's not a men's zone. It's not for intelligent people, either. Frankly..." Ann's nose wrinkled and she shivered.

Hector's eyes grew wide. "What kind of torture is THAT? I've never heard of it before, but it sounds even worse than hanging or beating someone repeatedly with a whip!"

"It is," Ann agreed, still shaking. "And I despise malls even more because they..." Ann shook her head.

"They what?"

"They make me..." Ann lowered her voice to a whisper and hung her head in shame. "Stupidly girly."

"You are a girl," Hector pointed out dumbly. Then he took a step back and gasped. "Wait, you're not pulling a Lucius on us, are you?!?!"

"No, you fool!" Ann yelled, slapping his armor with no effect whatsoever.

"Hey, what's this?" Lyn stepped up and looked at the sign. She brightened. "Hey, it's a place to shop!" She turned. "Hey, you guys! It's a mal!"

"Mall," Ann wearily corrected.

The surprisingly few girls in Eliwood's army appeared. Rebecca, Isadora, Ninian, Nino, Priscilla, Florina, Fiora, Farina, and Louise appeared. Serra was already there, drooling her head off. Ann shrunk away as if hit.

"What's a mal?" Sain asked. Do you really need to wonder how he showed up? All the girls in the army in the same place... Like Sain would be anywhere else.

Kent was standing behind him, looking ready to murder his partner. Several other men who had been talking to the girls before they all mysteriously disappeared at the word 'shop' came too.

"Let's go in!" Lyn announced, ignoring Sain's comment.

Priscilla took a step.

"It's DANGEROUS!!!" Raven hollered, racing forward and diving in front of her. "I'LL PROTECT YOU!!!"

Lucius followed, only to be grabbed on the arm by Rebecca.

"We wondered why you weren't here when we said 'shop', Lucius! You know that us girls have a sacred pact that we can't stop shopping! So you have to come in with us!"

Lucius moaned (very softly so as not to hurt anyone's feelings) as he decided it would be a VERY long day.

Meanwhile, all the girls trooped inside.

* * *

"Excellent," Elimine cackled. "My plan is working wonderfully!"

"What plan?" Someone asked dumbly.

"Serra has gone into my mall!"

* * *

Eventually all the members of Eliwood's army were inside the mall. Even the men were there, mostly to see what a 'mal' was.

They were all trying to digest 21st century clothes and fashion styles.

Kent, Sain, Marcus, Lucius, and Lowen were standing in front of Victoria's Secret.

Sain was drooling.

Kent was gasping as he unsuccessfully tried to yank Sain away. "This is highly immoral and it is simply not honorable!"

"See no evil!" Lucius screeched.

Marcus was scowling and trying to use it as a lesson to Lowen.

"Women can't be trusted sometimes, Lowen, and..."

"Sir yes sir!"

Then Lucius was yanked off to shop by the girls.

Hector and Matthew were walking around the store with Ann, trying to understand how girls could like such a thing.

"Well, sometimes there are Gamestops," Ann said. "That's good. That's where I received my Fire Em- I mean, that's where I... Er... Do things."

Hector stared at her strangely. "Is that what you mean by girly?"

"No," Ann said. "It'll start soon, though, so we have to leave..."

Meanwhile, Matthew saw a Kay store and decided that he would rather stay, and... er... 'shop'... Steal, ahem, STEAL, AHEM!!

The rest of the thieves were also at Kay.

All of the mages and sages and Canas were all inside Borders, reading away.

"What do you MEAN, you don't carry WEAPONS?" Karel was now demanding of a Toys R Us storekeeper. "Karel needs WEAPONS!"

"We don't carry REAL weapons," the storekeeper said. "They might hurt the kids!"

Hector was looking around for Lyn, Florina, and Farina because I say so. Ann was looking with him, getting more nervous by the second.

She suddenly stopped in front of an Abercrombie and Fitch store.

"OMG, I MUST have that skirt!" She squealed.

Hector looked at her as if she'd gone mad. Indeed she had. "Ann, are you okay?"

"OMG, why?"

"Because you're acting..."

"OMG, INBD!" She exclaimed.

Now Hector was really confused. He'd never been a smart guy, and quite frankly, he couldn't piece the words together.

"Look, it's my BFFs! Lyn, Florina, Serra!"

All of the girls (and Lucius) turned to look at her.

"Ann?" Lyn asked. "Are you... Okay?" She said it slowly, as if talking to a two year old.

"Well duh! C'mon, let's go shop!"

Shrugging, Lyn decided that she liked this Ann better in the mall, and simply let her come with them.

"First stop, CLOTHES!!" Serra announced.

* * *

Elimine cackled as she looked out of the store window. Her hair was now high up in a blonde preppy ponytail that was... CURLY!!! She wore heavy eye-makeup and a terrifying badge that said, 'Hi, my name is Elly. How can I help you?'

"Does this look okay on me?" Roland asked, holding up a shirt to himself.

"DON'T TOUCH THE MERCHANDISE!" She screeched, batting it out of his hand onto the sparkling floor. "Plus..." She picked it up and dusted it off. "I want it."

"Hey-"

"My store, my stuff!"

"Just wait until Serra goes into my store that I've created specially to control her evil powers of whininess and stupidity!"

"Which one's that?"

"The Justice store!!" Elimine cackled evilly as she brought out pink nail polish and began to experiment on Roland.

_A/N: Okay, well, I won't have another chapter up for a while. Vacation, you know. Anyhoo, I hope you liked this chapter and I hope it was plenty funny. I don't own Victoria's Secret, Justice, Abercrombie and Fitch, Toys R Us, or Kay (in case you're confused or something, just remember: EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH KAY!). I don't own Fire Emblem either. Oh, and if anybody's insulted by malls and girliness and stuff, I'm really sorry. I'm a girl, so I thought it would be okay if I did that just for humor. Anyhoo, thank you so much, reviewers! I hope you liked this!_

_Tri17: Thank you so much!! I'm so happy that you liked it, and I too dislike some spiders. I think Daddy Longlegs are okay, but practically everything else creeps me out. Once, at girl scout camp, there was this spider in our cabin. We screamed and a leader came in to kill it. Later that night, it showed up again in a different place! It was really creepy, like the ghost of the spider or something. Oh, I'm talking way too much. Anyhoo, thanks and I'm glad you liked it._

_Cheea5: It's okay, I don't mind. I'm just glad you're reviewing now!_


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Well, it's finally up! Any delay is because I had a vacation to go on for a week. I'm SORRRYYYYYY!!!! Thanks to my reviewers! And everybody who reads this! Oh, and... Well... I'm sorry if this is a bit random. All my other stories are depressing, so it's hard to get back into crazy mode! So, I've blah-blahed enough. Read, review, and enjoy!_

The Magical Mall 2

All the girls in the army (plus several men who were with them, and asking begging, ahem for them to leave) were skipping along, going from store to store.

Lucius meekly called up to the almighty author, "I'm in the crowd too."

"I KNOW," the author responded cheerily. "I SAID GIRLS, DIDN'T I?"

Lucius sighed.

And then they all stopped in front of... THE JUSTICE STORE (evil theme music)!!!

Scarily, Eliwood and Kent were inside. Dude, where else would they be?

All the girls blinked and mentally congratulated Lyn on having the ability to marry two men in a women's clothing store.

All the girls skipped inside, and began trying on clothes. All the men followed them, the ones that were left over and not doing anything.

Sain tried to follow them, too, but ran smack dab into an invisible wall. Sain can't enter the Justice store, DUH!

"Clothes!" Ann squealed.

"I'm not so sure about this," Lyn remarked, looking around. "The clothes here are all pretty small."

Every girl in the army turned to look at her. Every single one was exceptionally skinny, including Lyn, thanks to the fact that you can't have fat anime women. Even for the ones who rode around on ponies all day and just waved a staff around were skinny

The author screams and runs as she is chased by an angry Raven.

* * *

Elimine popped her pure white bubble gum against her pure white teeth, and smiled evilly. 

"Like, welcome to the Justice store! We have justice for evil peo- I mean, TOTALLY CUTE CLOTHES!!"

Roland sat sulking in the background. He, too, now had a terrifying nametag, his sporting, "Hello, my name is Rolilda. How can I help you?" He now was wearing pink nail polish and high heels with a stunningly hot pink dress that almost burned your eyeballs if you looked at it too long.

Every girl there screamed. It was a dream come TRUE!!!

They started rushing into the different dressing rooms, trying on outfits.

Lyn tried on a new dress that made Kent cover his eyes, then quickly dismissed it as, "Too girly."

Florina had found a turtleneck and long pants set, and a sparkly purple dress that had a low scoop neck and was short to boot. Her sisters stood on either side of her, each ordering her which one to pick. Sadly, two people talking at the same time does not equal good hearing.

"That dress is horridly-GORGEOUS but look at the price fir-too showy-stupid pants and anyway, they cost-a MILLION reasons why you shouldn'-get the sparkly-pants set-"

* * *

Several bandits popped up outside the mall. 

"I think that Serra girl is in there," one commented.

"Eliwood the cardinal will crow at snack-time," one certain man said, drooling at the name Eliwood (GAAAHHH, creepy dude from the chapter we got Canas!!!).

"Let's go in and kill 'em all while they're..." A random bandit checked the sign by the mall. "E-llllll... iii...eeee...sss..." He slapped his forehead and died of having to actually be smart.

"KILL WITH SHINY AXE!" another bandit yelled, running over his now-dead comrade's body. Dude, he's too stupid to even TRY to read the sign.

Yay, stupid people make the world go round!

* * *

"Girls, when are we gonna leave?" Hector asked, bored and tired of having to hear repeatedly, 'OMG, SO CUTE!' or 'I MUST have that!' 'Does this make me look fat, Hector? Does it? DOES IT????!!!!" (Mostly the last was coupled with a confused Hector mysteriously getting a black eye or a bruise). "Even Matthew and his crew are done... Er... Shopping at that jewelry store. Whatever it's called. J, or something like that." 

"Did you hear that?" Ann squealed, "Hector's going to Kay! Think he's gonna get a wedding ring?!"

"What the heck, I said nothing about-"

Three girls turned to face each other.

"NOBODY'S gonna get an expensive ring but ME!"

"I FIGHT the best!"

"M-maybe we can just work all of t-this out...? Please?"

Hm. Well, take your pick on who the three girls were. Meanwhile, I will be running away to have minimal damage to my health.

"Big," the same stupid bandit from before cried. "Biiiiiigggg..."

"I think I'm gonna die if I walk past one more store with people in it that want me to buy stuff," another bandit complained.

"Eliwood..." Drooled another that we're familiar with.

"Where are they?"

"Hey, look at the name of that store," one smart bandit said, pointing to a sign. "That looks like something the saps of good stuff would go into." He looked down at a familiar green knight, rubbing his head while babies with bows and arrows of hearts flew around his head. "And look, it's even a knight!"

"There's enough of me for all of you, ladies..." A dazed Sain commented.

The bandits gave a glance at one another, shrugged, and proceeded into the store.

DON'T ASK ME HOW THEY GOT INTO THE JUSTICE STORE AND SAIN DIDN'T.

(Because frankly, I don't know)

Anyhoo, the girls paid no attention whatsover. All the guys were all running around and screaming, wondering where their weapons were.

Elimine- I mean, Ellie, frowned from behind the counter. She had a mysterious pile of something covered with a sheet behind her (WEAPONS, AHEM!!).

"Hm... Watch Serra die a bloody death... Or live with her forever. Tough choice, but #2 WINS!

Letting out a war cry, she proceeded to blast every bandit to smithereens with Aureola. 'Cause she's got mad skills.

The boys all paused and blinked at her, upon which she smoothed her skirt, gave her hair a flip, and gave them all a heart-melting smile.

The girls now had their full attention on Ellie.

One stepped forward. "Nobody but NOBODY messes with OUR boyfriends!" She waved a scary thin lance, which broke the second it connected with the air resistance.

She whipped out another, this time a SILVER lance that Elimine actually did kind-of fear.

So she pointed at the skies, and said-

"FLORINA IS OUT OF CHARACTER!!! OUT OF CHARACTER, I TELL YOU!"

The author pauses from typing to sulk for a few seconds.

Then Florina dropped the silver lance and ran off to cry to her sisters.

The other girls did still look a little murderous, and it looked like Elimine and all of heaven were done for, when

NERGAL APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE WITH A DRAGON!!!

They all screamed, VERY loudly. Except for Serra, who gave Nergal a pleasant wave, and a "I told you we would band together to take over the world the day after tomorrow, not today."

Nergal gave a scowl. "It's the thirteenth, isn't it?"

"When we came into the mall it was the eleventh."

"You've been in here for two whole days!!" Hector cried (yes, Hector did cry).

"Oh. Well, then." Serra smiled at him. "Okay. Let's go!"

"That's actually not the reason I'm here," Nergal said, nodding. "I'm actually here to kill you off."

"WHAT?!" Serra let out a loud screech. "NO WAY!!!"

Elimine bolted up, she too letting out a loud screech. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! SHE HAS TO DIE IN HEREEEEE!!!!"

Serra looked at the two of them. "I'm so popular!" She squealed.

"Having 2 people wish to destroy you is not MY ideal idea of 'popular', as you call it," Ann said, once again GOOD Ann.

Serra scowled. "Shut up, Annie."

"OMG INBD!"

Nergal gave Ellie a funny look. "Wait a second, aren't you...?"

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY MY NAME, IT IS HOLY AND YOU ARE NOT!!!!"

"Elimine?"

Everybody in the store turned to look at her.

Then Eliwood burst out laughing like a maniac. "Elimine? Elimine wouldn't want to kill anyone!"

"I beg to differ," she muttered under her breath.

Nergal gave her a scowl. "I have to kill her! It can't be you!"

"There is no WAY I'm letting her get into heaven!"

"That's not politically correct!"

Nergal was delivered an invisible slap as the author sighed.

"No politics."

Nergal shrugged and said, "That's it, Elimine! You're going DOWN!!!"

So the two engaged in an exciting battle, of which I will not say a thing. It was epic, amazing, wonderful, surprising, the ending was absolutely fantastic. Don't you just love it when authors skip over a part you'd like to read??

Anyway, the two were a close match, but in the end, Elimine won.

She's a girl. Girls are always right, and win, so deal with it. We're right when we're wrong.

Nergal retreated with his army of dragons, leaving the group in the mall.

* * *

After a week, all of the men and most of the girls had emerged but two. 

Ann and Serra stood, each holding the ends of a shirt that looked absolutely adorable.

"Mine!" Serra snapped.

"It rightfully belongs to me!"

"MIIIINNNNNNEEEEEE!!!"

The two yanked on it.

A sleepless Elimine sat in the background, rubbing her eyes.

"Why doesn't she die already? WHY?"

* * *

"I don't get it, my lord," Ephidel said, shaking his head. "Why would you want to kill Serra and Serra only? She's pretty much the only truly evil one in that group." 

Nergal let out a loud 'HARUUMPH!!' "You'd understand if you were Limstella."

"Lord Nergal, I don't understand either."

Nergal slapped himself on the forehead. "Hm... I suppose it is questionable where you two will go after you die."

"Die?" The two looked at each other like the possibility of that happening was extremely funny.

"I, meanwhile, if I fail in my plot..."

"You'd go to heaven?"

"Well..." Nergal tapped his chin. "I don't think so. I've been hearing the guy on the other end needs a replacement. But anyway, there is a reason why I must kill Serra."

"Why?"

Nergal raised an eyebrow. "You think I want to spend an eternity with HER?"

* * *

_A/N: Weeeelllll... I am SOOOOO pleased with all my reviews! You guys are AWESOME!!! I have 19 reviews! 19!!!!!! Anyway, I shall now get on to the part where you skip everything but your own name. But you don't have to!_

_Cheea5- To my mother's disappointment, I never act girly in a mall... But I will wear dresses and stuff. But I don't like it too much, especially tights. Anyhoo, thanks for your continued support!!! I hope you liked this chapter! You rock!!! _

_sagewolf- You sound a whole lot like me!!! Though I try to avoid malls entirely... Anyway, thank you so much for your review and I hope you enjoyed this chapter! _

_Tri17- I do feel sorry for Ann. But there's a girly-girl inside every girl, whether she likes it or not! Yes, I adored Elimine in the last chapter... But now I feel bad about what all I did to Roland... Thanks for your support and please enjoy my story!_

_DarkBlaziken-_ _You gave me 5 reviews all in one package!!! Yaaaayyyyy!!!! Thank you so much! And go Blaziken, though I like Swampert better. Thank you so much and enjoy this!_

_I think I'm going to cry!! I have 4 reviewers this time to talk to!! Yay reviewers!! The next chapter will be out in a week or so, and though I have no plot idea whatsoever, that means for the best! See y'all soon!!_


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Yay, I love this story... Though it's not really a story. Serra's actually one of my favorite characters because she's so darn annoying!! Her supports are hilarious!! Anyway, enough of blabbing! Yay for reviewers, who rock this world! Anyway, please read, review, and enjoy! Sorry for any wait! Oh, and I don't own Fire Emblem. A girl can dream, though, can't she?_

_The author was having a hard time of having to think up all this crazy stuff for Serra to do. After all, Serra was quite capable of doing crazy things all by herself without any guidance._

_However, the author did not want the wonderful world of Fire Emblem to turn to pink ashes and blow up._

_She also disliked spelling errors._

_Serra sat pouting in a corner, bored of waiting for the author to stop her stupid writer's block._

_"When are you gonna give me stuff to do?" Serra whined._

_Kiaya gave a glance to the pink-pigtailed cleric girl. "I'm a very busy woman."_

_"I'm older than you," Serra pointed out, looking at the computer screen. "You don't call ME a women."_

_Kiaya raised an eyebrow and asked the Fire Emblem people why, oh WHY, did they ever create a Serra._

_But then she decided that they weren't going to help, and threw a lollipop on the other side of the room. "Get the sugar."_

_Serra was happy to comply ("What's comply?"), and raced across the room only to be beat by Hector in slow motion._

_How that worked out, I don't know._

Serra's Ways

Serra stood in front of a line of all the men in the army.

"I've brought you here today," she announced, curling a pigtail around her finger, "To tell the men of my choice that they'll have a VERY special opportunity! They can... MARRY ME!!!"

"Do we have to stay here for this?" Nils was there, crazily. "I've really got to go to the restroom."

Serra put a finger on her chin. "NOOO!!!" She blasted in his face with her superior lungs.

Lowen raised his hand. "Shouldn't there be refreshments here for us or something?"

Marcus slapped it down. "Only REAL men eat pink birthday cake! NOTHING ELSE!"

"Yes, sir!"

Serra paced down the line, frowning. "Anyhoo, naturally, since I have so many suitors, I've decided that to make you prove yourself, you will all compete in a tournament!" She gave them all a grin. "I've decided there shall be several categories!"

"What's in it for us?" One army member piped up.

Serra gave him a glare. "My love, of course."

Each man looked at each other.

They were about to all speed away when Serra said... "Also, all the girls are with me on this."

Behind Serra, laughing their heads off, were all the female members of the army.

Farina stepped foward. "You all WILL compete in this tournament," she said.

Lyn stepped up behind her, cracking her knuckles. "GOT IT?" She asked sweetly.

Knowing their girly wrath would never let the men go, the men hung their heads. They were doomed.

"I knew you all couldn't resist," Serra cooed, ignoring the fact that practically all of them were shaking in fear. She then whipped a scroll out of her pocket. "Here's the list of what you must do!"

Eliwood took a fearful look at the horrid list of doom.

"1. Sho vasall abiltes.

2. Fet masages!

9. Show coucing skils.

4. Danse and sungs."

Hector was reading over Eliwood's shoulder. His eye began to twitch.

"I can't even tell what the heck this says," he said, rolling his eyes. "Elimine, what a bad speller."

"Hello, everyone," a voice called. "Why is everyone congregated here?"

Everybody whipped around.

"Ann!!" Several of the men called in relief. She would stop this nonsense!!!

"Ann!!" Several of the girls called in joy. SHE would be able to think up INTELLIGENT ways to torture the men!

"My," she remarked, glancing at the males, "You look like you all have seen a ghost. You're all utterly white." She looked at Matthew, Erk, and several others. "...Or green."

"We've seen something worse than a ghost," one male muttered under his breath.

"Ghosts don't exist," Erk said, dryly. "And that you should be glad of. Once somebody's dead-" He glanced over at Serra with an evil look "-They're dead."

"Amen to that," others murmured in agreement.

Able to stand it no longer, Nils fell to his knees. "ANN SHE'S GONNA KILL US ALL!!!!!" He wailed, his cute little boy face getting wet with all the tears.

"Horrid grammar," Ann remarked. "However, I understand your terror. It's quite justified."

Serra scowled. "I feel insulted, and I don't know why."

"...But," Ann concluded, glancing at the men and back, "I don't see why a little... FUN, let's call it... With Serra will kill you."

"FUN?" Hector yelled. "She's going to torture us to kingdom come! Killing won't come until AFTER the torture!"

Ann let out a very un-Ann-ish giggle. I guess she still had a bit of a problem left over from the mall.

"You'll be fine."

Eliwood raised an eyebrow.

Lucius politely wailed, "We're doooommmmeeeeedddd..." Serra let out a sniffle. "To... ER... Lose to wonderful men in this wonderful contest?"

Serra let out a brilliant smile that strongly resembled that of a shark.

* * *

"The first trial shall begin!" Fiora announced. Fiora was referee. "You must clean a tent as much as possible to show your vassal skills!" 

Serra squealed from a seat a ways away from several tents that had things strewn all over the floor. They were dirty from not being washed.

Two people stood beside each tent- One girl, one boy per tent. I don't know how that worked out, because there are way more boys than girls, but... Er... Some men are already married or were WAAYYY too old for Serra.

Dorcas, Pent, Renault, Athos, and a few more than I've forgotten to mention sat on the sidelines, praising Elimine that they were uneligible to the demon that was Serra.

All the men looked at each other.

"Remember!" Serra called, "The worst vassal will NOT be picked!" She grinned. "Just imagine that the tent is my castle (which you will have to clean), which the winner and I will live in!"

"You have a castle?" One mage remarked dryly.

Serra stuck out her tongue. "Don't go into details. Now, clean and do EVERYTHING that your female commander wants you to do! Later, the women will give me the scores, and I'll also be watching to decide who will be able to compete in the last 2 events!"

Fiora blasted the whistle in her hands (she got it from Ann, what can I say?), signaling the start.

1 hour later...

"The men in this army are awfully slow," Fiora remarked, stifling a laugh behind her hand. "Nobody's even in the tent yet."

"Somebody is," Serra pointed out, pointing to where Farina and her 'slave', Hector, were.

"Do you think the whip is necessary?" Fiora mused, tapping her chin.

Commands could be heard from the field.

"KENT!!" Lyn was blasting in his ear, "MOVE FASTER!"

As his lady ordered, he sped up a fraction. I mean, he had to do it, but she didn't specify.

"Um... Please get in the tent... Please?" Florina was begging an unemotional Jaffar. He did not budge.

"Erk, why aren't you cleaning? That's the game!" Nino chirped, giving him a grin. "You're so silly! Now get- Oooooh, pretty butterfly!! Shiinnnyyy..."

"Gaaahhh, I'm MARRIED, I said!!" Louise told our favorite green knight for the hundreth time, backing away another step.

"M-Matthew, watch out! Don't step on that rock! It could HURT youuuuu!!!!!" Priscilla wailed to an unmoving Matthew, whose eye was twitching. Healers were just all-around annoying.

"Make ME in charge of a man," Lucius fumed, glaring over at the man he was supposed to be 'ordering' about, Eliwood, who looked back at Lucius in surprise. Lucius immediately felt bad and apologized.

* * *

"After that event, we're on to the next event- FEET MASSAGES!" Fiora announced, looking around. 

Raven was glaring over at a nervous Matthew, Jaffar was looking like he wanted to murder someone, namely someone with pink pigtails... Ahem. Hector had several red welts all over him, whip marks no doubt. The two knights of Caelin were looking like opposites as always- Kent looked as if he'd murdered someone by the look of guilt on his face, and Sain looked as if he'd just scored a date. Which, of course, he hadn't.

Every girl in the army was "coughing" (LAUGHING DISGUISED!) so hard they were crying.

Nils, ever honest-about-everything-but-being-a-dragon, raised his hand. "How do you do feet massages?"

"Erky, would you like to show us an example?"

"No."

"Then Jaffar."

Erk strangely changed his mind, mostly because of the dagger now at his throat.

"You hurt my sister in any way, shape, or form, and I'll kill you!" Raven hollered at Matthew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that if anybody was going to get hurt, it was Matthew. Kindness is so... HORRID!

"I have to SEE her feet?!" Kent asked in horror, terrified of what this would do to his lady's reputation. "I have to TOUCH them?!" Lady Lyndis' knight touching her feet!! Gasp! Unacceptable!!!

"Woo hoo!!!" Sain yelled in joy.

Each girl took a seat, holding their feet out to the man in front of them.

Kent was trying to cover his eyes, while Sain kept trying to look up from the feet, to the skirt, while Louise kept smacking his head back down (Sain's hair strangely caught on fire a few seconds after the second time he tried this. NOTHING to do with Pent's Elfire, of course!!). Lucius had lifted up his feet, while Eliwood couldn't move with fear of the hairy legs Lucius had.

Hector was trying to do the worst foot massage ever, and doing wonderfully!

However, then Farina whipped him. "SOFTER, SLAVE!"

Erk couldn't concentrate on the massage (not that he'd want to. After all, if he won... THE CONSEQUENCES!! GAAAHHHH!!!! RUN AWAY!!!), because he'd never taken time to study feet before. Nino's feet were very interesting, and frighteningly small. She also was very ticklish, and couldn't stop giggling as he poked parts of her foot to see how the coloring was in them.

Raven couldn't concentrate on his massage, he was looking at Matthew so hard. Matthew just didn't even touch Priscilla's feet, trying to avoid having any chance of winning Serra's contest (and Raven's wrath).

"Don't hurt yourself on the sharp toenails!" Priscilla warned.

Jaffar was multi-tasking between the massage and a pedicure and a manicure, along with brushing Florina's hair and applying light make-up. He didn't go to beauty school for nothing.

The author pauses as a shadow creeps over the keyboard of her computer. She is never, ever seen again.

_A/N: That is, until the Author's Note!! Yayy!! I'm alive again! Anyway, I know that's kind of a pathetic ending, but... Oh well, and I'm sorry. Anyhoo, thanks to my reviewers! Chatty time!_

_DarkBlaziken- Oh, you'll be able to imagine a singing Jaffar VERY vividly VERY soon... But never mind that scary thought, and on to happier things! You rock, and thanks so much for your review! _

_Nightwing of the Azure Shadow- Wow, that's a long title for Serra! Almost as long as her old one!! Thanks so much for your review, and thanks for the compliment! Whee!! I hope you liked this!_

_Cheea5- Rambling is a good thing!! Anyhoo, that stinks about the s-box (What is that?). Your emails, too. I haven't checked my own in weeks... I'm afraid! I personally like Lyn and Kent as the best couple for her, but I like Hector 2nd best, and it's growing on me. But one of my friends would kill me if I paired anybody but Florina with Hector... Anyhoo, thanks for your review and continued support of my story! I hope you liked this chapter!_

_Tri17- I didn't mention Elimine in this chapter... I couldn't find a good place to stick her in. She'll probably have to stop Serra from killing the poor winner of the contest! Thanks to you too for your continued support and review!! You rock!_


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Here's the second part of the story!!! I can't do the disclaimer here, or else it'll give some scary stuff away... Anyhoo, ENJOY!!! And thanks to all reviewers and readers!!_

* * *

Serra's Ways

Serra gave a little wave of her hand. "Ooookkaaayyy... I guess it's time to see who will go on to the next two rounds!! Only three can compete."

The men immediately clasped their hands together and began to murmur. Prayer? Heck yes.

Ann walked up to the first woman, Lady Lyndis. "All right, Lyn. The highest score is ten. The lowest score is 0. Try to base each 5 points on a certain contest. For example purposes-"

"I get it already, Ann."

"And for those of you watching at home who don't speak English, here's an Italian translation! Tutto il a destra, Lyn. L'più alto segno è dieci. Il segno più basso è zero. Provi a basare ogni cinque punti su un determinato concorso. Per esempio scopi-"

"ANN!" Lyn impatiently yelled. Frankly, it creeped her out when Ann talked in other languages. After all, it seems like there's only three languages in Elibe- Dragon, human (english), and magic language or whatever.

"I guess I give Kent a... An 8. He took so long to get into the tent and he looked scared at the massage."

"Okay." Ann nodded. "Lucius, what about you?"

Lucius bit his lip. Save his manliness... Or hurt somebody's feelings.

"Er... A... I guess a 7?" Lucius immediately started to bawl. So much for manliness. "I'm so sorry, Lord Eliwood, I..."

"It's AOK," Eliwood chirped.

"He's saved from inevitable doom," Ann translated.

Lucius gave a sniffle while Ann continued on.

"Farina?"

"I want a thousand gold."

"You're on the wrong show," Ann blandly said, obviously used to this sort of thing. "Give me a number from one to ten for Hector."

"Zero. Zip. Nada."

"ARE YOU INSULTING ME, WOMAN?" Hector yelled raising a fist and running over to her. He wouldn't have been mad, usually, because there was no chance that he could win now, but... It was FARINA, man!!

"MAYBE I AM!!!!" She blasted back in his face.

That continued on for a while, while everybody put in earplugs and waited for the two to faint from little oxygen to the brain.

They both quickly did.

"Anyhoo, so... Louise?"

Louise obviously knew this game.

"I give Sain a ten," she said, grinning sweetly (EVILLY, IT WAS EEEEVVVIIIIILLLLL!!!!!!!!).

"Yay, I win her love!" Sain yelled, dashing towards her, as his armor caught on fire, unknowing of what she was rating him for.

Lyn quickly stopped him with a sword to his neck.

"Bad knight," she scolded.

"Anyway, looks like Sain's going to the next part of the competition," Ann said dryly, wishing the poor man good luck (and also wishing Serra to have a great time annoying him to no end).

"Okay, so... Priscilla?"

"Matthew almost hurt himself," she whispered, then burst into tears. "I'm such a bad person!!!" She wailed.

Matthew smacked himself on the forehead.

"Here, let me do that for you," hollered Raven, swinging his sword at Matthew's forehead. Matthew dodged, cause he's got mad skills and an AWESOME speed stat, then proceeded to try and run.

"Just give him a score!" Ann ordered, and nobody can deny a tactician.

"Well... He didn't hurt himself, that's good... Erm... I don't know..."

"GIVE HIM A ZERO!!!" Raven yelled, raising a fist.

Ann sighed, and looked at the now mournfully hiccupping Priscilla.

"Fine," she muttered, writing down a zero next to his name.

"Florina? What about you?"

Florina let out a squeak as she tried to hide.

"There's men LOOKING at me," she whispered to Ann.

"The quicker you answer, the faster they'll stop," she answered.

"W-well... Do you mean for Jaffar? Er, then... Um... Then..."

"Ten?" Ann asked, mishearing Florina, and nodding. "I concur. He did do a wonderful job, didn't he?"

Jaffar's knives MYSTERIOUSLY gave a sharpening sound.

Florina mistook it for him wanting to win, and her head began to bob up and down. "Y-yeah, yeah, that's... That's... That's what he wants, yes...!"

Ann rolled her eyes pitifully as Florina ran off to be comforted by Lyn (who would later practically ATTACK every man in the army for making her best friend nervous!!!).

"Well, I suppose Jaffar is participating."

An innocent bystander that we don't know nearby mysteriously fell down, dead, as Jaffar flickered back to his spot.

"Well, then..." Ann consulted her list. "Hm, looks like Nino's last."

Nino sat there, licking a lollipop she had stolen from Hector.

"Nino? What's Erk's score?"

Nino looked up, then grinned. "Erk's my bestest best friend, besides Jaffar, and Rebecca, and my mommy, and-" Nino gave her lollipop a lick as Serra nudged her.

"Get to the point!!!" She screeched. "Tell us whether Erky's gonna get to compete for my love or not!"

Erk looked like Christmas morning... Well, in the color section. His cloak was red and his face was green.

"Oh, of course I'll give Erk a good score!! I give him a BILLION!!!!!"

"A billion is not between one and ten," Ann pointed out.

"Oh. Well, then..." Nino threw her hands in the air. "TEN!!!"

Erk put his head in his hands. He was now officially doomed.

"Come on up, Erk, Jaffar, and Sain." The three stumbled unhappily to the stage, Erk looking like he wanted Jaffar's job (and Jaffar wanted to DO his job). "It's on to our cooking contest, then," Ann said, smiling. "Lowen will lead."

Lowen ran happily to what he assumed was the three men, actually running to a cluster of three short trees, then tripping about 30 times on his way. When he finally smashed into the trees, Ann called,

"Lowen, we're over here."

"Oh." He paused. "Keep talking so I can come to your voice."

When he finally arrived, the three looked wearily at him.

"So, you three look excited," Lowen exclaimed. Ann let out a loud 'HARRUMPH!', meaning, 'Not speech number 1! They're not excited!' "You should be! We're about to go into the cooking contest, which I'll lead. Do any of you know how to cook?"

They all shook their heads, frowning.

"The blind leading the blind," Ann muttered, sighing. "How funny."

"You'll know after this!!!"

* * *

Jaffar placed his meal down in front of Florina. Her sensitive stomach wanted to vomit. 

Erk placed his meal in front of Nino. Lyn, who was looking on, turned as green as her hair.

Sain placed his meal in front of Louise, who didn't know what to say, much less do.

"Jaffar's made chili con carne, or, for those who don't speak Spanish, chili with meat."

Florina looked down into the slop that was chili con carne. It was utterly red. A bone floated to the top of the bowl, followed by a complete skeleton of a mouse. She hurriedly ran off to find a bathroom.

"Erk's made a cake," Ann announced, "Made in an oven heated by his own Fire spell!"

Nino clapped happily and stuck a fork in her "cake" as it immediately turned into ash.

"Sain's made..." Ann looked at the... THING... On Sain's plate and swallowed. She thought she saw it move. "Er... What is it, Sain?"

"It's spaghetti, obviously," Sain cheered. "The food of love! You take one noodle and both lovers take an end and slurp until they're kissing!"

Louise poked the food and it gave a little squeal.

"What did you put into this spaghetti?"

"All of my love," he cooed, as Louise tried to wrestle one of her braids from the 'spaghetti', as it tried to eat her blond hair.

"Elimine," Louise muttered unhappily, looking at her now uneven braids. Oh, wait, they were uneven before. Whatever.

"Er... Eat your food before it eats you," Ann suggested.

* * *

"Dancing and singing is important to love," Serra crooned, pointing to a radio Ann had brought. She frowned at it. "The people in there will sing whatever song Ann tells them." 

"Correct, in a way," Ann muttered wearily, tired of correcting them.

"Okay, so... Who's first?"

"ME!!" Sain squealed.

"I've picked the song that best fits you on short notice," Ann said, "And given it to you a few hours before this. You'll sing it to us while you dance."

Sain nodded happily.

"You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man, no time to talk! Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around since I was born! And now it's all right, it's okay, you may look the other way, we can try, to understand..."

Sain was already doing some pretty funky dance moves, most of them ones that made Kent and Lucius cover their eyes, and Lyn and Raven cover Florina's and Priscilla's. Nils was doing it for himself. Nino was asking Jaffar what the moves were as he unsuccessfully tried to pry her eyes away.

Anyway, yeah...

Erk stepped forward, giving everybody a frown. "I'm going to be doing Great Balls Of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis, with a few... minor... changes..." He muttered.

"You shake my nerves, and you rattle my brain. Too much Serra drives a man insane. You broke my will, not a thrill. Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire," he sang, not at all trying to stay on tune or be excited. For dance moves, he WALKED back and forth on the stage. "I laughed at love 'cause I thought it was funny. I know now that it can kill me, it's not sunny. I changed my mind. Love IS NOT FINE!!!! Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire." He gave a pathetic bow and hurried off the stage.

Nino clapped and wiped tears away from her eyes. "It was... BEAUTIFUL!"

Serra smiled. "He SANG about me!!!" She screeched. She then went to go mob him and tell him how 'touched' she was.

Jaffar came on stage.

Everybody looked expectantly at him.

He looked back at them.

Everybody looked expectantly at him.

He looked back at them.

Everybody looked expectantly at him.

He looked back at them.

Everybody looked expectantly at him.

He looked back at them.

Everybody looked expectantly at him.

He looked back at them.

Then he went over and whispered something in Ann's ear.

"Jaffar has pre-recorded the song, so that you can hear only his voice. Meanwhile, he will be dancing in front of you. His song is..."

Everybody leaned forward expectantly.

Ann slowly started to open her mouth.

Everybody leaned forward expectantly.

Ann opened her mouth a fraction more.

Everybody leaned forward expectantly.

Ann opened her mouth a fraction more.

Everybody leaned forward expectantly.

Ann opened her mouth a fraction more.

Everybody leaned forward expectantly.

Ann opened her mouth a fraction more.

"Two songs. I gave Jaffar some CDs and he picked the songs on his own, so..." She paused.

"Hurry up!" One person yelled.

"The first is one by..."

Jaffar whispered in her ear.

She looked at him as if he were insane.

"Spongebob," she said slowly. "And... NERGAL will be joining him."

Nergal popped out.

Immediately, several weapons were pointed at him.

"I come in peace," he announced, hands up. "I'm just here to sing a song I rehearsed with Jaffar."

The others raised an eyebrow. "Okay..."

The two stepped to the center of the stage.

Jaffar smiled.

Everybody gasped.

The author was about to make Jaffar INSANELY out of character.

But that's okay, because hopefully it'll be funny.

There was a slight scratching noise as a tape began to play.

"What is fun?" A voice came out of a speaker, sounding strangely high-pitched. "Let me spell it for you!" They said cheerily.

Jaffar was hoping to creep everybody out so horribly so that they all would NEVER let him win.

"F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me! N is for anywhere, anytime at all..." The annoying voice held the pitch as Jaffar began to do jump up and down joyfully like an insane underwater sponge.

Serra, with a dumb look on her face (well, okay, that's not too hard to imagine), Sain, without his green headband and instead a fishbowl over his head, Farina, with her hair dyed red, and Nils, looking utterly bored and exasperated, popped up behind Jaffar.

"UNDER THE DEEP BLUE SEA!!!" They all sang.

Nergal stepped forward and began to dance as well.

"F is for fire that burns down the whole town, U is for uranium... Bombs! N is for no survivors...!! When you-"

"Nergal! Those things aren't what fun is all about! Now, do it like this!" Jaffar hopped forward and began to try and do Ring Around the Rosie with Nergal. "F is for friends who-"

"NOOOO!!!!!" Nergal yelled, wrenching away. "That's completely idiotic!!"

Jaffar just laughed girlishly. "Here, let me help you!" Jaffar's voice on the speaker began to sing again.

After a little while, Nergal began to sing too!!!

"N is for anywhere, anytime at all..."

All the people from before popped up.

"UNDER THE DEEP BLUE SEA!!!"

"Wait!" Nergal yelled. "I don't understand this! I feel all tingly inside!" He eyed Jaffar. "Should we stop?"

Jaffar laughed girlishly again. "No, silly!! That's how you're supposed to feel!!"

Nergal paused from dancing. "Well, I like it! Let's do it again!!!"

"F is for frolic, through all the flowers..."

Ann jumped on the stage, waving a hand at the heavens.

"THIS HAS GOTTEN WAY OUT OF CONTROL, YOU CRAZY AUTHOR!!!! JAFFAR, SINGING F.U.N.? AS SPONGEBOB?!?!" She paused to take a breather. "Somebody go up there and knock some sense into her!!"

"I'd go, but... I'm too busy being down here, laughing my head off," a voice said in the seat in the front row.

"GAAAHHH!!!" Ann screamed. "You!!!!"

Kiaya waved pleasantly. "I hope you like his next song choice. It's just for the finale. It's not for rating."

Ann twitched. "You wouldn't. YOU WOULDN'T!!"

She shrugged. "I would. He's messed up enough already."

Jaffar bowed as Nergal left.

A new song began to play. Canas jumped out of the curtains, having not been around barely at all during this whole story. He deserved a part. He began to dance, his purple hair and outfit along with a sewn on tail bouncing.

Jaffar began to dance too as everybody in the seats stood up to run away.

"I love you... You love me... We're a happy family..." They both sung in unison.

"I've gone past my limits this time," Kiaya agreed. Then she ran away along with everybody else in the army.

* * *

Serra was now dragging a sorrowful Erk away after her dance and song number, when he was literally almost saved by a bonk on the head. 

"HI, Erk!" Nino chirped her spellbook now on the ground. "I came to tell you! Ann and everybody's decided that you won! Jaffar's was too plain creepy, and though Louise wanted Sain to win, along with several of the other girls... There are more men in the army and everybody agreed that you two were made for each other!"

Erk's eye twitched as he fell to his knees. Nino skipped away. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" He moaned as Serra rubbed the new bump on her head. It hadn't affected her brain. Of COURSE it hadn't, crazies. She HAS no brain!

"C'mon, Erky! There's so much fun to be had!!! I know that you can bake me cakes now... And I want all of your money... And you'll be like a vassal to me, you know..."

Erk seriously considered setting himself on fire.

He was doomed forever.

* * *

_A/N: Well... We all thought Jaffar was just scary creepy... But now he's CRAZY creepy! Yay! I'm sorry if that seemed a bit long, the F.U.N. song. I'm not personally a Spongebob fan, but I do like that song. I think it's funny, and though I was going to have Jaffar sing Barney's I Love You song to everybody, I realized that I didn't know all the words. I don't own the F.U.N song, Spongebob, or Barney, or his song. I don't own Great Balls Of Fire, or the man who sings it. I don't own Stayin' Alive either, I think the Bee Gees do. I don't own them either. I don't own Fire Emblem. Okay... Is that all? Anyhoo, thanks so much to my reviewers, who I will now talk to!!!_

_sagewolf- Jaffar is CERTAINLY fun to mess with. He's one of my favorite characters. Although now I'm kinda creeped out by my own insanity with Jaffar... Anyhoo, I hope you liked this! And yes, I'll have to check on poor Erk now that he's won! Thank you SOOOO much!!!_

_DarkBlaziken- Yes... Well, Jaffar's probably hunting me right now. I've made him so OOC. But that's the fun of humor. GAAAHHH, FUN! Anyhoo, Matthew's still alive, although Raven doesn't want him to be. Yay! Oookay, then, thank you lots for reviewing and I hope you liked this._

_Cheea5- Everybody here DOES seem to like Matthew. I like him too, and I LOOOOVVEEE his supports with Serra. Funny!! However, I do like to torture my favorites every once in a while. I kinda wish I was there in your car! That does sound funny!!! Whee, yay!!! Thanks for reviewing and I hope you liked this chapter despite the scariness!!_

_Arcanine Majesty- Um... I guess I don't really like them too much, but it's not really that. They're just a bit hard to make funny for me for reasons I don't understand. Probably because I don't use them in my game and I'm not as familiar with them. Anyway, though, I DID like my Harry Potter chapter too! Harry Potter is so fun to mess with! Well, thanks a ton for reading and reviewing!!!_

_Tri17- I do feel sorry that I'm driving the boys insane. However, I quite literally picked the poor top three out of a hat, and it just worked out! Anyhoo, I do love having timid Florina have to judge Jaffar, the Angel of Death. But that's just me being weird. I'm ALWAYS weird, it seems!! Anyhoo, thanks so much for reading and reviewing and I hope you liked this chapter!_

_Gasp... I... Have... 5 reviewers... FIVE!!! You all ROCK!! A lot!!! Anyway, thanks so much to all of you, and I'll see everybody in a week or so!! Happy school year to everybody (Or not, if you don't like it)!!!_


	10. Erk's Ways

_A/N: I am SOOOOO sorry for any wait!! My pathetic excuse is that school has started for me, once again, and that it's much more time-consuming than it was last year... I'm also in lots of activities this time of year, and so updating won't be in a week, unless I get time off or something. Er..._

_"Why's this story titled ERK'S Ways?!?! It's supposed to be about MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Serra screeched._

_Kiaya snorted. "Just watch."_

Erk's Ways

(Also known as the Descent into Insanity)

Erk gave a pleading look to Pent as he passed by, his arm held in a death-lock grip by none other than Serra.

He had known his time of doom would come eventually, but not this soon!! What had he ever done to Elimine? Why did she hate him so?

* * *

"Idiot!!" Elimine snapped, her blue eyes flashing. "Not popcorn with REAL butter! It'll make me fat!!" 

"Yes, Elimine..." Poor Roland mumbled, going back to the microwave to start a new batch of popcorn.

Elimine settled back into her reclining chair. "All this prayer hearing gives me headaches." She sighed. "Well, at least this movie that I... Er... MADE..." She gave a slightly devlish grin. "Will help me relax."

Roland returned, and dared to ask a question. "What kind of movie is it?"

"Humor mixed with horror," Elimine chirped back, and pressed the play button.

* * *

"Errrrkkkyyyyyy..." Serra whined. "Why aren't you doing anything? You should be brushing my hair, and massaging my feet, and-" 

Erk gave a snort, clutching some of his purple hair in one fist. "For the last time, Serra, I am NOT your vassal!"

"You're my lover," Serra pointed out. "They're one and the same." Quite the truth, for us women.

"Excuse me while I go throw up," Erk said, and proceeded to almost run out the door.

"Don't throw up near MY tent, Erky," Serra called after him, completely missing the point. "Must have been something he ate."

Erk couldn't believe that she'd actually allowed him to leave. Perhaps Elimine wasn't so evil after all.

* * *

Elimine pressed the pause button with indignation. "He thought WHAT about me?!" She glared up at the sky. "Thanks a lot, Kiaya." 

"ANYTIME!" A booming voice from the heavens replied (yep, the author's more important than Elimine!! MWA HA HA!!!!!).

Elimine rolled her eyes. "Roland, shift over. Your head is more comfortable for my feet to rest on than your back."

She then pressed the play button on her remote.

* * *

Erk considered where he could go to hide. 

Pent?

No, Louise would kick him out for leaving his new "lover". Women were all evil creatures, and they all worked together. Erk shivered.

Nino?

It was her naptime, and frankly, the last time Bob the archer interrupted her naptime, Jaffar...

Have you ever heard of the Bob the archer?

Of course you haven't.

His own tent?

Serra wasn't THAT stupid (up in the heavens: "Maybe she is.").

Perhaps he should just throw himself off a cliff and make his death short, instead of long and drawn out.

"Greetings, Erk. Why the agitated, horror-filled face?"

He looked up to be greeted with a sight that he was so very thankful for.

Ann.

Why hadn't he thought of her before? Her genious could throw the entire army within three feet of the enemy, and they wouldn't even know it. Yes, Elimine was very, very kind.

He threw himself at her feet, all pride gone. If he wanted to live, he needed help.

"ANN YOU GOTTA HELP ME I'M GONNA DIE I'M GONNA DIE!!!"

Ann raised an eyebrow. "That's... Interesting, Erk."

She tried to shake Erk off her right foot, but he clung on.

She sighed. "What seems to be your dilemma? Is a sniper following you?"

Three flashes of red and green and blonde darted behind a nearby tree.

"No," Erk moaned. "Remember? I won the love contest."

"Oh." Ann had a coughing fit behind her hand (LAUGHING, LAUGHING, LAUGHING). "Well, I can understand your feeling of doom, then."

"Ann, even my years of training as a scholar of anima magic never prepared me for this!! But you... You have to actually ORDER Serra AROUND on a battlefield!! You have to make sure she doesn't die (although I suppose I can't thank you for that), you have to tell her what to do..."

"Yes," Ann shrugged. "Well, she enjoys candy."

Many a night of sugar highs were explained in that simple sentence.

"Candy?"

"Nevermind." She shook a hand. "However, I think she likes you even more than she likes candy."

"Am I doomed, then?"

Ann shrugged. "Probably." Erk slumped. She put a finger to her chin. "Erk?"

"Yes?" He now looked hopeful.

"You've learned how to be a mage, but... Would you be willing to learn something... Else?"

"Something else?"

* * *

Jaffar bowed. "Hello, my name is Mr. Assassin. I will be your teacher." Of course, he wrote that on the board, crazies! Jaffar doesn't TALK! 

They were in a random classroom that Ann had assembled inside of Jaffar's tent. There were several crudely made desks, and several students sat in them.

Ann stepped up beside him. "Welcome. I'm Ann. I'll be a student teacher for a while, that is, until you become so scary and dangerous I am forced to flee your company." She smiled. "Of course, Jaffar will stay on the whole school year."

Jaffar sat down at a desk in front of the classroom, silent as death itself. Pun intended.

"First we'll do a getting to know you game," Ann announced. That being exactly what EVERY SCHOOL does EVERY YEAR (Why? Except for when you change from elementary to middle or middle to high, you KNOW everybody! Or at least, I do).

One guy stood, waving an axe above his head. "I ATTILA!!!"

"Attila the Hun?"

He nodded dumbly.

"What's your favorite hobby?"

"Burning towns. They go BOOMMMM!!!"

"That's very nice. What's your favorite color?"

"Black. Red."

"I see. And you?" She pointed at a man with no shirt on. He had wrestling clothes on. They continued on to the next man, who was Fargus, and even Hector was there. All of them mostly replied, "Killing things is my favorite hobby," or "I like red, for blood."

Finally, they reached the last two.

"Erk?"

"I like to study."

Immediately the other men put their heads in their hands and screamed in pain. KNOWLEDGE... HOW TERRIFYING!!

Erk was immediately labled as class geek (the ones that get beat up after class kind).

"Last... Nino?"

"I like to have tea parties!" Nino chirped.

The men were about to label her as the OTHER class geek, when they all had daggers at their throats. How Jaffar managed that, I don't know.

Ann raised an eyebrow. "Nino... Do you know what this is?"

Nino smiled. "Of course! It's a place where you learn how to be an assassin!"

"And you want to be..."

"AN ASSASSIN!!!" Nino bellowed in her face. The earth began to shake, as little children off in the distance screamed.

And then the author was done with making Nino very OOC.

* * *

("To Be A Man" from Mulan begins to play in the background) 

"Let's get down to business," Ann announced, unknowing.

"I A HUN!" Attila bellowed.

Jaffar stood, grabbing his daggers on the way.

Ann began to pass out daggers.

Attila tried to eat them.

Erk tried to study them.

Nino tried to kill one of her fellow classmates with it.

"Have any of you tried to kill somebody before?"

Everybody but Erk raised their hands.

"We have a lot of work to do," Ann muttered secretly to Jaffar.

Jaffar gave a nod.

* * *

"Everybody get the dummy," Ann announced, pointing to a dummy that was about the size of Hector and Oswin put together. 

"How about Erk first?" After all, he was the one they were trying to work with.

Erk stepped up.

Erk looked at the dummy.

Erk studied the dummy.

Erk observed the dummy.

Erk... Erk better hurry up, because I have no other intelligent words for "looked dumbly at, trying to stall".

How sad.

Then he finally threw a dagger.

It missed by about... Well... The closest I can put it without it being a complete lie is eight feet.

Erk looked very pleased with himself. He then glanced at the dagger as if it were supposed to explode and then kill the dummy (which, if he was working with Fire, it would have).

Ann's eye began to twitch. "If you ever want to kill ANYTHING... We will require a LOT of practice time."

Jaffar watched as the other students obliterated the dummy.

He slowly shook his head.

If they ever wanted Serra dead, they'd need somebody else.

* * *

Elimine squealed. "It's SUCH a good movie, isn't it?" 

Roland let out a snore.

She kicked him, which wasn't too hard to do since she was using him as a footrest.

He gave a start. "Whuzza?"

"I can't wait for the next part of the movie!" Elimine giggled, then her face became a demonic grin. "I can't wait until Serra's dead by her own 'lover's' hands..."

* * *

_A/N: Whelp, there it is... A chapter! Again, I apologize for the long wait... I'M SO SORRRYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! I hope everybody liked it. I know it won't top Jaffar's singing, but still... Anyway, on to talky!_

_El Superbeasto- I'm so glad that you liked it!! Yayy for you, new reviewer!! Thanks for your compliments! And I hope you liked this chapter!_

_Nightwing of the Azure Shadow- It's okay! I'm just glad that you did it again! Thank you so much!! And thank you for your continued support! I hope you enjoyed this!_

_Cheea5- I don't like the pairing, I just think the supports are REALLY funny. Of course, all of Serra's supports are funny... Anyhoo, thanks for your continued support throughout my story, and I'm so glad you like it!!_

_sagewolf- Yep, I'm on to torturing Erk... I'm SOO glad you enjoyed it!! You rock! Thanks for your support, and I hope you liked this chapter!_

_DarkBlaziken- I'm continuing, however... I'll probably never top Jaffar's singing. I'm doing this fic because I enjoy it, and all my others are serious. I must be insane sometimes!! Thanks for your support! And as I said earlier to Cheea5, I don't like the pairing of MatthewxSerra. I just laugh at the supports!_

_Tri17- Well, at least Jaffar didn't win... That would be utter, horrid punishment. I like Jaffar too much to do that to him. I don't know why I picked Erk- But it just works! Thank you for your support all the way through my story!! It makes me SOO happy!!! _

_darkfire649- INBD is from that one cell phone commercial, where the girl talks in almost all chatspeak. It means, It's no big deal!! I use it randomly, whether it actually fits or not... HEE HEEE HEE!! Yayy new reviewer! Thank you lots and lots!!_

_Immortal Wifey- Jaffar's ultra-cool!! He dresses like he's from 1000 Arabian Nights (although he looks nothing like Jaffar from Aladdin). He also has a really cool story and everything. I hope you meet him soon!! Sorry about your game crashing, too... that stinks. If you don't know Barney... You don't want to. Singing purple dinosaur. Oh, yes... Serra will die very soon... Or at least, if Erk gets his way... Thanks so much for reviewing and I hope you liked this!!_

_Absol Master- Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Thanks for everything!! Yes, I've made Jaffar crazily out of character... But that's okay! Here's the next chapter! I hope you liked it!!!_

_Again, I am SOOO sorry for the wait, and also for the shortness! My new goal for updating is a week and a half. I hope I make it... And also... I have... 9 PEOPLE THAT HAVE REVIEWED MY STORY THIS TIME!!! WOWSERS!!_

_I'll see y'all again soon!!_


	11. Erk's Ways 2

_A/N: It's been so long since I've seen you, dear reviewers! Whelp, that sounded weird. Okay, anyway, here it is! It's extra long too! By the way, after this, I'm going away for a little while, so updating will be slower (I'll be back in 5 days). Anyhoo, please forgive me! And enjoy this chapter! Oh, and for anybody who watches it: ROCK ON HEROES!! I don't own it, though, or Fire Emblem. Or Mario. Or Sherlock Holmes._

Erk's Ways 2

"Roland!" Elimine kicked him again. "Go up on the roof and twist the receiver. It's not working!!"

"I thought this was a movie!"

"It is," Elimine responded. "MY movies need satellite connection."

"What?"

"DO IT, SLAVE!!" She blasted. Roland sighed, and scurried off. What's a guy to do? Heaven isn't so great when it's run by a female.

* * *

"Okay, Erk. For you, we're going back to the basics of killing," Ann said. "Now, hold the dagger." 

"Ow!"

"By the handle."

Swearing followed.

"The OTHER handle."

Erk threw his hands in the air, frustrated. "You can never get a cut off a book!"

"You've never seen Serra hold a book before."

"Serra? Holding a book?" Erk raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know Serra could READ."

Ann shrugged. "Let's resume to our former topic."

Erk swallowed. "Where's the dummy?"

Ann frowned. "It appears as though Jaffar forgot."

* * *

Far away, Jaffar rounded upon a large, fat man. Minutes later, after going through an entire pile of hay in a barnyard, Jaffar had his dummy.

* * *

"I'll have to serve as the dummy." 

"But that's dangerous!"

Ann raised an eyebrow. "With your aim?"

"Point taken," Erk said dismally.

* * *

"OWWWWWWWW!!!"' The shriek resonated, long and harsh, red hair being swept aside as... 

Raven put his hands to his ears. "Elimine, PLEASE stop talking!! My ears are gonna pop!!

Serra just glared at him.

"TellmewhereErkisrightnowIknowhe'snotthrowingup," she said without taking a breath of air.

Raven just moaned.

Priscilla raced over. "Brother?! You're HURTING!! NOOOOOOOOOooooo I HAVE DONE WRONG!!!"

"It's not you," Raven snarled, wondering how he and this girl were related. "It's that blasted pink-haired demon!"

"Lord Raymond!" Lucius said, appearing out of thin air, appalled. "You called somebody a NAME!! You could hurt their FEELINGS!"

"Shut up, MOM."

Lucius gave an indignant sniffle.

Raven just wondered if killing a man of Ostia was worth being in this crazy army. Was nobody but him sane?

* * *

Eliwood ran, shrieking, from his tent. 

Hector pulled him over. "Eliwood, you sound like a blasted woman! What's wrong with you?!"

He glanced suspiciously over at Matthew, who stood beside him, rolling his eyes. No "crikeys" came from him. It wasn't Serra.

"Elimine, then, what's wrong?"

Eliwood gave a scared little-kid sniffle. "There's a spider in my room."

Hector seriously considered chopping off SOMEBODY'S head with an axe.

* * *

"Erk, for the last time, the dagger isn't going to blow up! You have to throw it DIRECTLY at me if you want it to work!" She didn't bother to mention that THROWING daggers wasn't exactly what assassins did, but... 

Erk scowled. "I don't have good aim, and I'm distracted."

"Just think of what will occur when you master this..."

Born free... As free as the wiiinnnddd bloowwsss, as free as the GRASSSS grows...

Erk slapped a mental image of him running through a field of flowers towards Priscilla from his mind.

"That's what we're working for!" Ann cried jubilantly. "Heavenly release from SERRA!!" She paused, a dreamy look crossing her face. And that's big, for Ann. "Now try and hit me again."

This time Ann had to duck to avoid the swoop of Erk's dagger, planted firmly in his hand.

Ann cheered.

* * *

Jaffar was lugging a bag over his shoulder, walking through camp. 

"SANTA!!" Nino squealed, rushing over to him. She then stopped and gave him a glare. "YOU'RE NOT SANTA. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T- Oooohhh, a cookie!"

Jaffar sighed. Many a friendship was saved (okay, so only one friendship) by cookies...

Nino happily chomped it down, then turned to watch in surprise as Serra stormed past, her face as pink as her hair.

She dropped the remainder of her cookie.

"COTTON CANDY!!" She squealed.

* * *

"You're improving, Erk!" Ann said happily, removing the dagger's sharp point from the fabric of her skirt. "Thankfully, there's not TOO much improvement." 

Erk managed to smile, just a little.

Ann considered taking a picture to record the moment, seeing as how she very highly doubted it would ever happen again, when she remembered that she did not have a camera, nor did she know EXACTLY what a camera was (Her dreams had strangely been haunted by some crazy girl named Kiaya, with a object that she referred to as a "camera, for blackmail and also for fanfictions").

Ann shrugged. Normally, it annoyed her to no end to not know things, but she figured that she may as well let it go.

"Anyway, Erk... I think you're ready... Just a little bit of mood changing lessons from Jaffar and you'll be a fantastic assassin." She paused. "Although, I think you've got the 'emotionless, yet aggravated' man part down pat." Ann smacked herself on the head. "DOWN PAT? I am such a fool..." She shook her head wisely, then said, "NEVER, EVER, let your intelligence be compromised by idiots and malls."

Erk raised one eyebrow, barely resisting a shudder.

"I thought we agreed we'd never talk about that again," Nino said, smiling. She stood, mysteriously, beside them, holding a slightly severed end of a pink ponytail, which she then tried to take another bite out of.

A loud screech made both Erk and Ann jump.

"DON'TYOUDARETAKEANOTHERBITEOUTOFMYGORGEOUS,GORGEOUSHAIRWHICHISOHSOPINKAND-BEAUTIFULANDSHINYANDLONG!!!!" Let out the screeching creature which Nino was holding.

Nino scowled. "Cotton candy, if you don't behave and let me eat you, I'll have to kill you first. I RARELY kill my meals beforehand." She let out an adorable sniffle which easily conveyed sinister evilness of all evilness.

"Elimine, what does it take to shrug you off for several days?!" Erk exclaimed, beginning to pull at his hair.

Serra began to pout, wrenching her ponytail away from Nino. "Erky, my gorgeous, gorgeous hair must be brushed. My girly tent of evil must be cleaned. My heart must be convinced that I should love you instead of taking the offers of hands in marriage that so many have given me..."

Ann let out a very un-genius-ish snort.

"Like who?" Erk asked dryly.

* * *

Hector, Matthew, and Oswin sneezed. 

"Crikey," Matthew burped out.

Hector stood, slamming his fist on the table that had magically appeared in front of him.

"Blast it all, I KNEW something was up!!" Hector roared. Then he grinned, and skipped away. "Off to kill some people, off to chop off some heads... Off to fight some people, in their... Er... Woods made of lead, yeah!"

Matthew's eyebrow twitched. "Young master, you're horrible at rhyming."

Hector scowled. "What's that, Matthew? You know of a certain blonde-haired thief that you want me to chop the head off of?"

Matthew quickly shut up.

* * *

Ann looked around. Elimine, they needed help... Erk wouldn't survive another day with Serra, she knew that for sure. She wondered how he had survived for so long. 

Serra smiled, her teeth shining an evil white, if at all possible.

"Oh, everybody!"

Erk simply put his hands to his head. "Do not kill her now, do not kill her now, it isn't worth the one Fire it will take..."

Serra was as oblivious as ever. "You're so weird, Erky! Now, c'mon!"

Wordlessly, Ann slipped a dagger into Erk's hands... His normally dismal eyes took on a small spark...

* * *

Serra stood, clad in pink pajamas with bunnies on them. To Erk, in the dark, they were blinding. 

"Tuck me into bed, Erky. And sing me a lullaby."

Tell the Grim Reaper to sing you a lullaby, he thought with somewhat of a crazy smile.

Then Erk tucked her into bed, sang a tuneless song with surpising enthusiasm, and exited her tent.

Minutes later, he was back- Disguised cleverly as Mario! Nah, just kidding. He looked like Jaffar, to hide his face and insure that if anybody saw him, they would just think it was Jaffar killing another random screaming wild animal (Serra, COUGH, Serra, COUGH!!!) But anyway, he looked like Jaffar. EXACTLY like Jaffar.

And he was smiling.

It is NOT good when Jaffar smiles.

Serra opened one eye lazily.

And let out an ear-piercing shriek.

* * *

Hector leaped to his feet. He was in his regular armor. Don't ask me why he sleeps in his armor: Perhaps he is just that stupid. 

"I KNEW SERRA WAS DOING SOMETHING!" He shrieked in delight. He had already scoured most of the camp (several women were NOT delighted about his magnifying glass, which he used to observe their noses and belly button lint with. "You have nose hair," he had remarked to Farina. That last sentence has no connection to the whip marks upon his back. Of course not). But he had turned up with nothing. Nothing abnormal, anyway.

Humming a detective song, wearing some strange plaid clothes, Hector danced in the direction of the scream.

* * *

Serra stopped for long enough for Erk to remove his hands from his ears. 

"ERRRRRKKKKKYYYYY come HELLLLPPPPPPP MEEEEEE!!!!"

Erk grinned. "There's no help for you now!" He had some strange feeling welling up from inside of him...

He let out a bone-chilling laugh. His FIRST LAUGH EVER. Wow, Erk, you need to get a life.

"ERRRRKKYYYY!!!" She wailed once more.

"Elimine, Serra," he growled, racing forward, dagger high above his head. "STOP ANNOYING ME!!"

Well, at least annoying him would be the last thing she would ever do.

Erk was about to plunge the knife into her annoying throat, which was vibrating with YET ANOTHER SCREAM, when he was knocked over by none other than Shectlock Holmes (otherwise known as your friendly neighborhood Ostian Lord)!

Hector was absolutely giddy. "I've finally caught you, Serra, in a Jaffar costume attempting to kill..." He paused, and glanced towards the bed, where Serra sat (he covered his eyes from the blinding pink of her bunny rabbit pajamas), sniffling as if insulted (of course, she had no idea why). He glanced towards Erk, dressed up as Jaffar. He glanced back at Serra. He glanced back towards Erk.

A little voice squealed in his head, "People can't be in two places at once!"

Hector frowned. "That doesn't make sense."

"I'm the MASTER of what makes sense to you. You know this, I promise."

Hector froze. "Are you my conscience?" He asked, prodding his forehead with one finger.

"No, you idiot! I'm your brain! Remember? The guy you threw out the window fourteen years ago!" Hector still seemed confused. "You've never HAD a conscience," he added. "You killed that when you were just a newborn. It was your first murder."

Hector just prodded his forehead again. "Er... Wait a second... So, you're still here?"

"Yeah."

A small grunt below Hector reminded him that he was standing on top of "Jaffar" (Erk).

Erk just shook his head. Those crazy lordlings... When they finally got hold of their countries, he would go to Eturia to STAY. No matter what.

"Hold on," Hector said deftly to Erk. "Gotta get rid of something really annoying." Then he proceeded to give himself a neat punch to the head.

Erk squeezed himself out from under the armor, giving his dagger a neat twirl. "And now, Serra, it's time to die!"

Serra had been smart for the first time in her life.

She had run away.

* * *

"Ann!" Serra raced towards the tactician. "Jaffar came into my tent! And I think he's jealous of Erk! HE wants to be my boyfriend!" 

"Serra?" Ann demanded, forgetting for a few seconds. "Why are YOU alive?!"

"Because Elimine ordered it to be so," Serra said, dryly and in a monotone. It was obvious that she had been asked this question repeatedly in Sunday School for Clerics (dude, I don't know how that whole thing works!).

Ann mentally slapped herself for possibly revealing that information (of them plotting to kill Serra) to somebody... especially Serra. Oh, well. She was too stupid to realize it, anyway. "Jaffar came into your room and he wants to be your boyfriend? That makes no sense! What did he say to you?!"

"Something about he would kill for me... Yep, that was SOO it."

Ann raised one eyebrow. "Apparently, your ears scramble words and meanings. Fortunately for me, your idiocy has prevented you from having an actual intelligence and realization."

"I DO like pie!" Serra agreed heartily. "But that has nothing to do with the subject," she added seriously.

"Elimine. Why did she EVER create you?"

"Because she loves me, obviously. As she loves all her children."

* * *

Elimine paused the movie, to laugh her head off. 

Roland let out a small noise. "Er, Elimine... Why DID you create Serra?"

Elimine frowned. "It was the worst day of my life, that I'll tell you. She cried the second she was born, and it reached the heavens. The nursemaid helping with the birth went DEAF..." Elimine cheered up suddenly. "But you see, I managed to punish her parents a LOT. Serra was in an orphanage for a reason."

"Why?"

"'Cause her parents died of stress: DUH! Anyhoo, they deserved it. They weren't running their country properly."

"They were royals?" Roland asked with a sparkle in his eye.

"Yep. They ruled all of Lycia!" Elimine smiled, then pressed the play button.

* * *

Down below, Serra frowned. "I feel as if a lifetime dream of mine has just been made fun of." 

"You have a lifetime dream BESIDES wanting to rule the world?" Ann asked.

"Of course! I want to be the Queen of Lycia!" Serra cheered.

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"Of COURSE not!" Serra huffed. Then they returned to their previous conversation.

"Jaffar" came stumbling up to the two. "Ann! I can't find Serra! She disappeared! I tried to kill her and she got away because of Hector!"

"How did Hector-? Oh, never mind! She's here!"

"Hellooooo, Jaffar," Serra cooed. "Sure, Erk likes me. But he hasn't pledged eternal love to me yet. Not like you."

Erk's eye twitched. "That's it. I'm killing you NOW."

Serra held her arms out as Erk came running towards her, dagger in hand.

"Give me a hug!" She squealed.

Erk screeched to a stop. "Elimine" was all that escaped his lips before he turned and tried to escape.

It was too late. Serra had locked him in her "pink huggy wuggy of eternal doom".

Erk figured the only way to stop the annoyingness of it all was to take off the Jaffar costume. Surely, being annoyed by Serra was better than being hugged by her!! It was like he was on fire!

"I'm Erk, and I tried to kill you," he told her dryly.

Serra stepped back, and surveyed the scene. Her non-existent mind could been seen clanking behind her eyes.

They slowly narrowed. "Erky, you've been a bad boy."

He smiled eagerly. "I've been so bad, it's obvious that I don't love you!"

"Stop being coy!" She hit him on the arm. "You're just jealous!"

Erk's color drained out of his face. "You mean that you aren't going to get rid of me? Destroy our "bond"?"

"Nope!" Serra squealed. "I'm gonna love you FOREVA!!"

Ann shook her head. "Improper grammar."

Erk didn't care. "Elimine..." He threw his hands up in the air. "THAT'S IT! YOU WIN, ELIMINE! YOU'VE DESTROYED ALL HOPE FOR ME!! YOU'VE USED ME AND THROWN ME AWAY! HAVE MERCY FOR ONCE AND KILL ME!!!"

* * *

Elimine let out a snore, finally coming to at the screaming. "Whuzza? What's up? I fell asleep at the part where Hector became Sherlock Holmes." 

"Erk's seriously suffering," Roland informed her.

"Really?"

"He's stuck as Serra's boyfriend."

She gave a shudder. "You're right. Maybe I am being a little too cruel." She paused, watching Erk break down and start to sob, throwing a temper tantrum then and there, begging for mercy from her... A heart-touching story... Erk never cried... "...Nah. This is too fun!" She beamed. "Remind me to do this again."

Roland just shook his head. "...Women."

"What was that?" Elimine asked sweetly.

"Nothing."

* * *

Erk slumped, out of breath. 

Serra finally stopped looking at her nails. "Are you done yet, Erky?"

He sulked.

"Good. Come on, now!! It's time for you to do my hair! ...And massage my feet, and obey my every whim, and compliment me, and sing me songs, and provide entertainment, and-"

"Serra, I think Erk gets it." He got it a little too well.

So Serra dragged her slave along, singing a song (which proceeded to wake up the rest of camp. Most jumped out of their tents, thinking that they had heard swords crashing or people screaming dying agony).

Ann sighed. "Whelp, there's one more example that Elimine's completely, utterly insane."

"GOT THAT RIGHT," a voice from the heavens responded cheerily.

Ann rubbed her ear. "I've been listening to Serra too much. Now this stupid ear-ache..."

* * *

"Here comes the choo-choo train," Erk said, unenthusiastically, holding a spoon as if he wished he could choke... SOMEBODY... with it. 

Serra sat in a high chair, facing him. "Erky!" She scolded.

"Here comes the airplane," he said in monotone.

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

_A/N: Talky time! Again, I'm so sorry!_

_Cheea5- I've never read that one, although I made fun of Serra's support with Hector... Now I feel kinda bad (Elimine says: Don't! Throw your conscience out the window! It's what I've done!). Anyhoo, thanks! I hope you enjoyed this!_

_DarkBlaziken- Hector loves to kill (I also love what Matthew just said)! And as for insane and inSain... They're technically the same thing!! He's crazy! Anyhoo, I do love writing about Jaffar and all that! Thanks so much for the review!_

_Nightwing of the Azure Shadow- I love your name! Did I ever mention that? Anyhoo, I do love to torture Erk... (and Jaffar. But don't tell him. I fear for my life). I do love making Elimine evil! It's so fun! Well, thanks for the review and I hope you liked this!_

_Immortal Wifey- I heartily agree with you about the coughing. However, for laughter purposes (twenty lawyers stand behind Kiaya, glaring at her with that lawyory look that makes people scared)... And some other stuff, I'm not going to kill her off. Oh, and yes, it's worse than Teletubbies, because Barney can actually convey what he's thinking. Plus, there are no humans, really, in Teletubby world for the Teletubbies to torture. Barney is in a costume, surrounded by kids. It's like the cheesiest and scariest musical you've ever seen. I used to love Barney, though... Anyway, thanks so much for your review!!! I'm glad you like this!_

_Anon (????)- Well... Are you one of my reviewers from before that just didn't sign in? Sorry if I sound rude. I'm just wondering. Anyway, Jaffar didn't want to risk the consequences if he failed (and he would have). But if he did win, and became Serra's slave, but couldn't kill her, we all know who would... (Nino cackles evilly in the background). And about your idea... That's really, really good! I SHOULD do that!! But what would the winner get?_

_darkfire649- Yep, he would miss. Until, that is, he thinks of the horror that awaits him if he fails... I heartily agree with your statement about pretty boy mages (I'm laughing right now), but I've never played FE9. They didn't DARE to make mages wield KNIVES, did they?! Jaffar shall kill all who disgrace assassins... Anyhoo, thanks so much for your review!!! I'm glad you enjoyed this!_

_Absol Master- YOU HATE NINO?!!!!???!!! I think Nino's about to cry... That is, AFTER she finds out where you live. RUN!!! Just kidding. Anyway, yay for cute little mages that are actually EVIL!!!! Thank you so much for your review!!! I hope you liked this chapter!!_

_Thanks so much to all of you!! You make my day brighter!! WHEEE!!! Thanks so much for your continued support and compliments!! I'm so sorry for the waiting, but school is definitely a priority, as I want to get good grades. Thanks for understanding!_

_And also, PLEASE keep sending me funny comments with your reviews. I love laughing!! It's funky (new favorite word... Besides funkalicious)! You guys ROCK!! Oh, and even if you haven't reviewed (Jaffar raises one eyebrow, and then is quieted by Kiaya) I'm still so glad that you're even reading up to this chapter! Well, I'll see y'all next time!_


	12. What'sTheirNamesAgain? Ways

_A/N: Okay, so this chapter's gonna be a bit wack. Well, it's always wack. Anyhoo, I'm sorry about the wait... I say that all the time now... WAAAHHHH!!!!! Anyway, enjoy... And get your pencil and paper ready. Your doom awaits. You'll never see again after reading what's below._

Kiaya: What do you MEAN, you're going to let that absolute IDIOT be in charge of-

Author: C'mon, Kiaya, play along...

Serra: I'm here! In all my glory! Hey, you're clicking on the shiny square again!

Author: What? Oh, you mean my computer? Yep, I am.

Serra: Are you writing about ME again? I was awfully bored when the story was based on Erk. He's ucky and boring! And sad!

Author: With good reason.

Serra: What?

Kiaya: Nothing, Serra.

Serra: Anyhoo, whatcha writing now?!

Kiaya: We truly don't know.

Serra: Awww... But I wanna rule the world!

Author: Give me a break. Please. I need peace and... well, proper grammar if I want to do this properly.

Serra: I WANNA RULE THE WORLD!!!

Kiaya: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!

Author: She wouldn't be an interesting character then, would she?

Kiaya: Good point.

Author: On the other hand, what can we do to make you leave?

Serra: Me? Candy!

Kiaya: No way. We're not giving you a sugar high. We like being alive and having hearing and being perfectly all right, thank you.

Serra: I'm gonna cry.

Author: Kiaya, you're not helping.

Kiaya: Ugh! Well, what am I supposed to do?!

Serra: I WANNA RULE THE WORLD AND EAT CANDY AND BEAT ELIMINE UP!

Kiaya: You've technically already killed her good nature and kind spirit.

Serra: What?

Author: That's a good explanation. The reviewers have been wondering why Elimine is so evil. Now you know, 'cause it's Mike's Super Short Show!

Kiaya: ...What did you do, Serra?

Author: I eat candy before writing, Kiaya. You know that. It allows me to delve into my inner mind...

Kiaya: You mean, it allows you to think like a maniac.

Author: Precisely! Spongebob! Oooh... Why haven't I done a parody on that? Or Barney!

Kiaya: Elimine... You can't write a story in this state.

Serra: Ooooohhhh!!! Pick me!

Author: Whuzza?

Kiaya: You've got to be kidding me. We don't want to burn the readers eyes out, do we?

Author: They'll go blind. Hm... Chickens.

Serra: I like chickens.

Kiaya: Although I love to see a great conversation filled with true meaning, maybe I should type the story and Serra should go away.

Author: Not on your life. I am not leaving this seat until the story is...

There is a mild squawking noise as a bloodcurdling scream resonates.

Author: Gotta go! And Kiaya... I'll need you.

Kiaya: What for?! I'm a Muse!

The author gets up and walks awa

* * *

serra liks te shynee skren it is almos pretti es serra. ya forrr serra she is preti. 

sili awtor hoo wil not let serra tipe her storee

dom on uuu

butt serra wil tipe her storee aneewahhh.

onse opon a tim ter was a pretti prinses. evreebodee lovud her. her nam was serra

she was pretti

on dae she rid her preti ponee to te forehsst. a bandett caht her and tryedd to maree her. but the prinses was sooper smrrt and skaped

ten shii give cokkees too her granddmaaw hoo was reelee hEktorr desgissed. he wuntedd to maree her but her hart beelonggd to erk

hektorr wus sadd butt he wuntedd serra too bee happi.

so he litt serra go

evreebodee wunted serra. butt her eeval steppmoter deednt wunt her to marre the prinse so she loked her een a toeerr

erk cam and shee lit don her hare wich was veree long and pinc and prette

he climted ohp then sad hee loved her and they roedd aeay ento te sonseht

serra leeks her storee it is veree gooodd. yooo beterr lek it too or elss shee well sind her bohfrend Gafer to gett uu helo kaya and autor urr bak

* * *

I am so, so very sorry for any problems in the last few paragraphs. I've looked it over, and I've decided that it's too horrible for words. It's a mix of Little Red Riding Hood, Snow White, Cinderella, and Rapunzel all in one (plus a few of Serra's insane ideas). Of course, Serra is too stupid to distinguish between the fairy tales. Anyhoo, the sugar high has worn off, my brother is okay despite the chicken and the purple flagged kinkko, and the REAL story is about to begin. 

Oh, I forgot. Although it will burn your eyes out (perhaps it already has), you may read the words by Serra and you may gasp in sympathy to her very small brain activity. Er... Why am I talking like Ann?

Anyhoo, if you can figure out what the heck Serra's saying, please tell me in your review (I suggest you get a pen and pencil, and if you have a preschooler or baby who just might speak the same language as Serra, USE HER OR HIM). The winner gets...

Er... I'm not really sure. But I guess you get to decide the theme of the next story (if it's a spin-off of something, I might know it, and I might not). If people tie, then... They both get to decide. I dunno. Anyway, on to the story! Mwa ha ha!!

**The What's-Their-Name-Again?-People's Ways**

**12**

Serra was evilly plotting, Elimine was up in the heavens crying her eyes out, Erk was secretly attempting to kill Serra again, and Eliwood was fighting the horridly vicious and evil-

"Excuse me!" Piped up a polite British voice. The said voice adjusted his monocle, and smoothed his purple robes.

As you've probably guessed, it was Canas. "What is it, Canas?" Kiaya asked with a sigh, seriously considering swatting the poor little shaman away.

"Ahem. Yes. So sorry to bother you, Miss Author, while you are story-telling so beautifully." He adjusted his monocle again. "But... The group and I have decided that-"

A girl with brown hair and green eyes appeared in front of him immediately. "The group?" She demanded, poking a rude finger in his face. "Don't you need a license to do that?"

Canas blinked. "Er..."

A rude voice growled behind him, "Karel wants to talk! Let Karel talk! Canas does not get his point across good!"

"Good chap, I'm certainly more educated than you and therefore-" A sword at his neck, and he gulped.

"Karel thinks that you are not talking about Karel enough."

Kiaya crossed her arms. "Uh huh. And your point is? Who's the author here, huh?"

Karel squinted.

"Who's the one with a sword here?" Another new voice said. His scowl looked very evil.

"Quite a good point, old chap," Canas agreed.

"I have a bow!" Another voice chirped.

"Me too!"

"I'm going to sue you," one very evil (and money taking) voice plotted.

"By order of fairness, we demand that you include us more in the story," Fiora explained helpfully.

"We have a paper for you to sign," Marcus explained. "Making this proper."

"So sign here on the dotted line," Lowen said, pointing at Marcus' purple hair (and missing the paper completely).

Kiaya gave them all a menacing glare. "...I'll have you know she could write you all dead right now."

"Karel bows down to none!" (Do you really need to ask who said that?)

"Bartre got shiny axe," Bartre announced, completely off the subject. His drool covered axe had no sign of blood (no, Bartre did not clean it, sillies. "BARTRE NO CLEAN, BARTRE'S HANDS BURN WITH BUBBLY STUFF!!"), seeing as how he couldn't hit somebody if his life depended on it.

"Let's be friends!" Rebecca chirped (she'd spoken before, unnamed. But do you really need to know which voice she was?). "Turn that frown upside down!"

Kiaya's eye twitched. "Elimine. What's wrong with all of you? You're obviously not good enough to be put in the main storyline a bunch..."

Raven glared. "We are SO good enough!"

Kiaya snorted. "Yeah, if my story was boring."

"Why you little!!!"

Kiaya disappeared in a flash.

Raven let out a growl. "We'll show them! We'll show them that we SOOO deserve to be in their stinking story!"

"If it's bad," Rebecca asked innocently, "Then why do we want to be in it?"

"Because-" Raven sputtered. His face colored as he scowled. "WE JUST DO, OKAY?!"

"But you don't really belong to this club," Wil pointed out cheerfully with a smile. "You've been in the story lots of times."

Raven glared. "...You're all idiots."

"But Wil has a point, my good man," Canas pointed out.

"Are you gonna believe the idiot who doesn't stop smiling, or me?" Canas thought for a few moments. He was about to come up with an amazing discovery that would bring electronics to the world of Fire Emblem when

"OOooohh!!" Rebecca squealed. "F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and m-"

A dagger was at her throat. It quite easily conveyed, "That's MY song."

Rebecca just grinned. "So what's our plan to get the author to add us to the story more?"

Raven thumped a hand in his fist, grinning an evilly evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil grin. "She won't have a choice, if we're the only people left..."

"Old chap, you're suggesting murder?" Canas asked, appalled. "Get you gone, you old dog!"

"'Tis not my ferret," Marcus added dimly.

Raven looked puzzled, then shook the words away. "They'll never know what hit them! See, what we're going to do is..."

Everybody leaned in.

Here's the part where the author cuts off the story just as you get interested. Don't cha hate it when that happens? Therefore, I'm gonna break the mold! So THERE!!

"We're gonna create a LOVE TRIANGLE?" Farina asked in scorn. "How is that going to kill ANYBODY? I want my money NOWWWWW!!"

"It's not proper," Fiora added, aghast.

"I just can't see the point of it," Lowen added sorrowfully (Admit it, Lowen, you can't SEE the point of anything).

"It's an absolutely horrid plan," Rebecca giggled joyfully.

"Karel says we just kill them all with shiny weapons."

"SHINNNYYYY!!" Bartre bellowed like a cow.

"What is the issue that you are discussing?" A voice asked, blinking innocently.

The group whirled round to see Ann.

"Well, we, er, we..." Raven, as usual, when he lost his words, started talking with his sword (Ann backed away several inches).

"Violence is not the answer!" Rebecca chirped from behind him.

Ann rolled her eyes. "You can't possibly be attempting to form a love triangle with YOUR group. It's absolutely insane. Not to mention that fact that I doubt anybody will go along with it."

Raven let out a war whoop, only to be tackled down by Karel.

"Karel wants you to talk more."

Bartre drooled. "Smart girl make plan to kill?"

"No, smart girl make plan to destroy the love lives of everybody in the camp."

"Really?" Canas asked in fascination. "You can do that?"

"Of course I can," Ann scoffed. "What do you think I DO all day? Certainly not battle plans. Those are short and easy, compared to the complexity of love triangles."

"I still don't see how everybody would die," Lowen said stubbornly.

"Haven't you seen the point of depressing stories about love triangles and squares and hexagons and all that other quintessence? Everybody is depressed. They just want to DIE."

"But, old chap, this isn't a depressing love story. We're in a comedy!! And as far as I know, there's been no romance yet." Do you really need to know who said that?

Ann shook her head. She did not want to attempt to convey her plan to them all, or at least in full. Their small brains could barely wrap around the idea that there were such things as love triangles. "We'll start with Hector. Then we'll move on to Lord Eliwood, then Lady Lyndis." He whirled around to Farina. "You! You have to be as romantically sappy as possible towards Hector."

"Do I get money for this?"

Farina got a familiar glint in her eye. "Then what are we waiting for? That dope should be easy!"

* * *

"Hector!" Eliwood wailed. "Fiora wants to talk to me! Inprivate! So we can talk about "US"! And Marcus is making me go!" 

Hector raised an eyebrow, then turned to Matthew.

Silence.

"...Nope, not Serra."

He crashed a fist in his hand. "Well, Eliwood, maybe if you get a woman, you'll be more manly so you can protect her from harm!"

Eliwood's eyes filled with tears. "But I don't LIKE Fiora!"

Hector didn't hear. "CRYING IS FOR WOMEN!!" He blasted in Eliwood's face.

Eliwood let out one last indignant sniffle. "But I-"

He was interrupted by a loud voice from the door.

"Crying is not for wo- Ow! That hurt! Why, you little I oughta-" Farina turned away from who she was glaring at (cough, ANN, cough!) and smiled sweetly at Hector (like a shark looking at its meal).

"Helloooo, Hector."

Hector knew there was something weird about her tone of voice. He observed her for several seconds, trying to put his finger on it.

She sauntered over to him, batting her eyelashes (Hector blinked and rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't going blind or seeing spots).

"Aren't you looking handsome today?"

He checked for earwax in his ear. "Sorry, master- I mean, Farina- I don't think I heard that last sentence right. Can you repeat it?"

She was now in front of him, looking sweetly up at him. She puckered up her lips. "I DO love you, you know."

Hector got the look of someone who had just witnessed a person being beheaded. "You WHAT- You..." He broke off.

He banged his head against the tent wall (which immediately swayed and caused him to land on his butt, not a very lordly thing to do).

He turned back to Farina. "Okay, Hector, don't hyperventilate... It's just a dream... A really WEIRD, TWISTED DREAM, and soon I'll wake up and Farina will be back to whipping me, thank Elimine..."

Farina jutted out her bottom lip. "Hector-poo? Are you okay? Should I kiss your boo-boo to make it feel better? I'll heal you with love!"

Hector tried to back away.

Okay, so the 'dream' was more like a nightmare.

* * *

_A/N: Joy to the world... Hector's going insane! Anyway, yep! Talky time!_

_Nightwing of the Azure Shadow- Thank you, thank you!!! Yep, yep! Thanks so much for reading!_

_Cheea5- Sakura Con? And you're being Wil for Halloween? Coolio! Thank you! Good luck with the costume and I hope you get lotsa candy!_

_Immortal Wifey- Hmm... It couldn't be that Erk actually may have feelings for her, could it (Erk glares from background, twirling knife and seriously considering targeting another person)? Anyway, poor kids? Well, thanks for your review! I hope you liked it!_

_Dark Blaziken- Glad you liked it! Thanks for reviewing and thank you! It's okay if you can't talk much. Some people write long ones, some people write short ones (I write short ones too). Thanks for reading!!!_

_Tri 17- Yes, I do feel sorry for Erk... Perhaps he needs a hug... FROM SERRA!! MWA HA HA!!! Okay, so, maybe I don't feel too sorry for him. Yes, I'm evil. Anyhoo, thank you!!!_

_Wery Jack- YAY NEW REVIEWER!!! Welcome to the gang... And now you'll NEVER GET OUT (or face the evils of Serra)!!! MWA HA HA HA HA!! Okay, now you're probably scared. Well, thank you so much!! _

_sagewolf- As you can see, I've done a lot of what you suggested (great ideas!)! Who's Elliot? Anyway, I do LOVE Canas, I just kinda forgot about him (hence the chapter about all the 'poor unfortunate souls' who were forgotten). He rocks at fighting. And he is so COOL!! Yes, I like pansy Eliwood... I think a chibi him crying at a spider would be adorable. Yes, well, it was kinda the other way around with Serra and Elimine. Elimine was good until the dreadful day that Serra was born... MWA HA HA!! Thanks for all your kind words and help!_

_I just want to say to everybody that I really am happy about your support and your kindness and everything!! You make my day, and you rock!!_


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: Hellooo. Don't really have much to say. Enjoy!!_

Unmentionedables Ways

Chapter 14 (Or something near that number)

For the first time ever, it was Hector running to Eliwood's room, screaming his head off, pointing behind him and babbling, having already peed his pants from terror and was now almost in tears.

Eliwood blinked. "Hector?"

Hector gave a little sniffle.

Marcus, who was reading Eliwood a bed-time story (okay, so it was NAP time for Eliwood), frowned.

Eliwood gave a little giggle, looking very adorable (just had to had that in. Eliwood IS adorable! Stay away! He's MINE!) in his blue pajamas. "Read on with "Cindy's Dollies", Marcus. Hector's just being silly and not very mature or manly."

Marcus raised an eyebrow and heartily agreed with that about more than one lord. "Lord Hector, have you been eating properly?"

A stop in tears as he was given a glare.

"Are you feeling all right? Would you like to go see one of the healers?"

The glare intensified.

"Just say the word."

Hector now let out an indignant sniffle. "Farina is being really scary."

"You said you didn't mind when she whipped you. You said it was manly and tough to take it."

"She's not whipping me, Marcus! It's worse than that!"

"Oh, really? What's she doing? Forcing you to play dollies?"

Eliwood raised a hand. "Ooooohh, Hector, I'll play dollies with you!"

Hector, after being slightly taken aback, finally continued on with hope that his friend had been joking (HE REALLY REALLY HOPED THAT). "NO, it's even worse than that." He gave a shiver. "Eliwood, has a girl ever had a crush on you?"

Eliwood thought back to the numerous times he had caught girls blowing him kisses in parades, girls swooning when his name was said or when he looked at them, fangirls all squealing, "HE'S MINE!", the times when Ninian could barely speak a word to him she just wanted to hug him so badly...

"Um, no, not really."

"Thank Elimine for that, Eliwood. You've got it easy against handsome guys like me. Farina is winking at me, and batting her eyelashes, and saying really creepy things." Hector raised his voice to a wail. "SHE'S SCARY!!!"

Eliwood jutted his bottom lip out. "Don't cry, Hector, or I'll cry too!"

* * *

The author, somewhere, had a twitching eye. 

"Elimine. I've made them BOTH into utter pansies! UTTER PANSIES!!! What have I done?!" She began to pace, then shrugged. "Oh, well. On with the story."

* * *

"Hectorrr..." 

Hector whirled around, screaming. "Don't kill me! Please! And don't flirt any more!!!"

Lyn raised an eyebrow at him. "Hector, what are you talking about?"

Hector looked around suspiciously. "Farina. I KNOW she's out there..."

"Has she been whipping you again?"

"NO..." Hector wrinkled his nose, then let out a scream as a flash of blue darted forward and tackled him.

"Don't worry, my Hectory-wectory, we'll never part again," Farina cooed.

Lyn blinked, debating whether she should laugh her head off or run away, then just decided it was a dream (particularly when Farina said, "Kiss me, darling") and that she should go throw herself off a cliff. Why, you ask? Isn't it obvious?

Hector was cornered. Farina had him by the collar and was dragging him out for a "romantic dinner", when he happened to spot a sulking Serra, who was bugging Matthew (who was trying to avoid her, and perhaps just might call on Jaffar. NOOO reason at ALLLL).

"Serra! Be kind for once in your life! SAVE ME!!"

Serra looked up, saw another woman on the arm of what she considered HER PROPERTY (every man is, isn't he?), and was over in seconds.

"What are you doing?"

"Going out for ice cream. Hector's treating me."

"I am no-"

Farina growled and Hector whimpered and retreated.

"Oooooh, I like ice cream!" Serra squealed.

Farina grinned, seeing an even quicker way to kill Hector off. "Would you like to join us? It WAS a romantic dinner, but then again, I'm sure he'd much rather be with you."

Hector gulped, wondering why in the world he was now so popular with the female population, and also wondering why Florina was off glaring her head off at both Serra and Farina, and also wondering why Eliwood was skipping along singing Barney, and also wondering why there was a giant meteor hurtling towards the entire camp.

Hector shrugged. Life was a huge mystery when you were a noble Bartre (as in, he acts like that). And then Hector decided to drop it all.

* * *

Canas smiled. "Tra la LAAAAAAA!!!" He sang. 

"What was that?" Isadora asked, appalled.

"I don't really know. I keep thinking about some Captain Shorts, or Captain Pants, or something like that..." Canas shrugged. "Anyway, it's on to Phase 2!"

"What's Phase 2?" Questioned Lowen.

"Didn't you get the memo?"

"Yeah, but..."

"But what? You can READ, can't you, old chap?"

"Well, of course I can. I just can't see it."

Canas was silenced.

Lowen, you really need a haircut.

"ANYWAY, on to Phase 2! Where we send off our love triangles of doom to other people as well! Besides Hector! And then, we RULE! RULE THE WORLD!!!"

Serra appeared beside him. "I wanna rule the world," she drooled. "I wanna rule it so bad. Plleeeeeeaaaaseeeee..."

Canas looked appalled. "It's against the laws of science for you to be in two places at once."

"It's against the laws of science for you to be able to summon black magic by saying several words and holding a book," Isadora pointed out. "But you do it anyway."

"Good point." Canas smiled. "You make a very good student. But back to-"

"It's also scientifically impossible for your hair and eyes to be purple."

"Yeah," Lowen said. "Or black, like mine!"

Silence for several seconds.

"Lowen, that's because light doesn't pierce through your hair."

"Oh."

"Your hair's green."

"...Hey, guys?"

"Yeah?"

"What's green?"

"NO FOO DISSES DA PURPLE!!!" Canas yelled in a gangsta accent.

Meanwhile, while everybody fought and stuff, Serra remembered that she had people to bother and lords to hug to death.

* * *

Hector looked around the shop, wondering about all he saw. 

Marcus was stuffing baby food repeatedly into Eliwood's mouth, saying that he needed his nutrients, whatever those were.

Isadora twirling her blue hair around one finger while she batted her eyelashes at Sain, who was so dumbstruck by his actual luck he was simply standing there, not flirting at all.

Kent watched on in amazement, not even noticing Fiora (muttering, "This is most certainly against good standards...") trying to put her hand in his (and failing miserably).

Hector frowned. Something was not quite right with the picture.

"What is this, the Tunnel of Love?" A cranky voice sounded from the doorway.

He turned. Reason!

"Ann!!!"

Farina scowled. "Hectory-poo, there's no other woman, is there...?"

Ann raised an eyebrow. "Please tell me that's not Farina. Please say that that is some insane Black Fang member dressed up as Farina."

"It's Farina, all right," Hector grumbled.

Farina glared up at Ann. "Miiiiiiiiiinnnnneeeee," she hissed.

"Riiiight. I'm just going to leave now, before I catch what all of you have."

Hector latched on to her ankles. "Please don't leave me alone with them! They're insane! INSANE!!!"

Farina dropped the act. "INSANE, you called ME? Why you little-"

She was wrapped in a hug. "You're normal! Thank Elimine, you're normal! You're back to being evil Farina again!"

"Idiot! Why couldn't you just die from the love already?!"

Canas bounded up to her. "You're destroying our secrecy!!!" He whispered in a voice that carried across the country.

Ann raised an eyebrow. "What's going on?"

The members of the... Er... What is the name of that club thing again?

"We're the Unmentionedables!" The purple shaman hollered.

Thanks, Rai.

Anyhoo, the Unthinkables all stood up and started attacking people.

The lady with the green hair was doing kung-fu.

The lady with the blue hair was whipping Hector.

The man with the purple-white (?) hair was stuffing even more baby food into Eliwood.

The authoress is glared at by people whose names she has "forgotten".

The Uncoolios were all about to kill the author and destroy the wonderful fanfiction forever and ever, when the entire place got blown up.

Literally.

* * *

Serra smiled and high-fived a girl wearing a white robe with blond hair. 

"Thanks for the dynamite, Ellie!"

"You're welcome!"

Serra smiled at the girl who we all do not know whatsoever, who has NEVER been in the story before and never will be again. You do not know her. No, of course she is not Elimine (cough, YES SHE IS, cough).

Then Serra proclaimed herself ruler of the world.

Until everybody climbed out from under the ashes.

'Cause video game people NEVER DIE (Except in Fire Emblem).

And Hector thanked Elimine that all was right in the world (except for several numerous things, including Lowen, himself, Elimine, the authoress, every character in Fire Emblem, and Serra).

* * *

_Serra sticks her tongue out at the author, frowning. "Enough about all these yucky people. Let's talk about me."_

_"I agree."_

_"Really?!"_

_"Yep."_

_"Will I rule the world?"_

_Thinking. "...You know what?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Why don't we let the people who translated your thingy decide what you're going to do?"_

_Serra smiles, turns to the screen, and twirls her hair around enticingly (feel free to have this throw-up bag if you need it). "Make me rule the world."_

_Riiiight... Just write up story ideas, please!_

_A/N: Quick note. My cat runs like a galloping elephant. There. You've officially got proof that I'm insane. Good for you. Yay, talky time!_

_DarkBlaziken- Hellooooo. Anyway, for some reason, Guy wasn't on my rejected people's lists... Er, yeah. Anyway, I don't write yaoi, so I won't write any MxG anyway. I've really got no pairings in here (a little FxH and SxE) and I don't wanna get too romantic. Then again, romance is hilarious when properly done. Thanks for your review, and send in an idea for the storyline!!! Yay! You can include Matthew if you want (seeing as how EVERY reviewer here seems to adore Matthew, and I've been thinking about making him more than the Serra-detector, like as in adding him majorly to a plot). Anyway, thanks for reviewing!! See you next time!_

_Immortal Wifey- Thank you, thank you!!! And here is more of it!! I hope you liked it!!!_

_Wery Jack- Yes, she does have horrible spelling, doesn't she? I deal with horrible spelling a lot too... I edit one of my friends stories for her, and she always mixes up her grammar in her sentences and can't spell either... AHEM! Anyway, thanks a lot for your review!!! I hope you liked this chapter!_

_dreamcatz- New reviwer!! Welcome to the gang!! Woot! Anyway, whelp, I hope you liked this chapter, too. Serra heartily agrees with you, and she wishes to be the main subject ALL THE TIME (Serra offers up a hug: DO NOT TAKE IT UNLESS YOU WISH DOOM UPON YOURSELF), and thanks you for thinking about her "as all people should". Anyway, welcome!!! I hope you liked this lots!_

_Cheea5- That's SOO true!! Wait a second... If Ostia is British... THEN WE KNOW CANAS' TRUE ORIGINS!!! Ahem. Anyway, that's true, scarily true. Thanks for translating the horror, and you can now send in a story idea!! YAYYYY!!! Just say it in your review. Thanks for reviewing (and translating. Are your eyes okay from the horror?), and see you next time!!_

_Absol Master- Thank you!!! It's okay about that. I do enjoy bashing Bartre, as many people seem to. I, however, do not want Karla so badly as to use him, therefore I do not know ALL about his incredible stupidity. Anyway, thank you!!! I hope you liked this!!!_

**_NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO TRANSLATED: I WILL EVENTUALLY YOUR STORYLINES INTO PLOTS. I KNOW 2 PEOPLE DID IT, SO I'LL DO ONE AT A TIME._**

_Anyway, thanks so much for reading. I do not own Fire Emblem. If I did, I would make more stories about the PARENTS of Eliwood's generation!! Or, perhaps, the Scouring. Anyway, thanks for reading! See you later!_


	14. Chapter 14

_I got somebody saying that they were upset with me about Bartre being stupid and also the lack of Serra trying to rule the world. I'm sorry... I've attempted to make fun of all of the Fire Emblem characters, and he was just another attempt at me trying tobe funny. I'm sorry if you like him and I offended you. Oh, and though this exact story's not entirely about Serra ruling the world, it's partly about it. Well, I hope this chapter was better! I'm sorry about the REALLY long wait (I'll explain later) and I hope you like this! Thanks to all my reviewers! I don't own Veggie TAles, Fire Emblem, or really much else._

* * *

Serra's Ways

With Lowen's Hair

Chapter ???

Serra stared at herself in the mirror.

Now, normally there would be no problem with that. After all, she did it about 24/7 (She and Narcissus would get along SOOO well).

But this time, she was frowning as she stared at her reflection.

That was good, because normally the mirror cracked when she smiled at it, and so the army had to continually buy new mirrors for her, but it was bad because

"ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!" She screeched. She then paused, thought for several seconds, then let out a more girly, "EEEEEEEKKKK!!!"

When nobody responded (Outside, Hector looked towards the tent with happiness. "Please tell me some rogue assassin is in there trying to kill her."), she scrunched up her face and let out another ear-piercing wail.

"Women," Marcus remarked dryly from outside the tent, in a moment of OOCness.

Erk's eyes turned on fire. "Dryness is MY THING..."

And then they all wondered what was going on with Serra. She continued to wail as California split off from North America, continents flew apart, and people forgot the knowledge they had learned. And then Serra said, "I need a haircut."

She marched out of the tent to borrow scissors from somebody. Unfortunately, she did not find any scissors, and therefore had to use Jaffar's two knives, gluing them together so that they formed a scissor shape (Jaffar responded to this by scalping some innocent pedestrian with his new scissors).

So that was how the beauty parlor began.

* * *

It was an instant hit with girls, as they all loved haircuts and pedicures and manicures as much as anybody. 

However, the men were a different story.

"Erk wants his toenails painted purple," a cheerful Nino announced to Serra one day, a firm death grip on Erk holding him from escaping.

"Hector needs a makeover," Lyn coughed (ahem, LAUGHING, ahem) to a serious Serra. "It's a competition between us to see who looks better in a dress and makeup."

"I'M GONNA WIN!!" Hector blasted triumphantly. "And prove once and for all that MEN will prevail!"

"Lucius will look just like a DARLING in a pink sundress, complimented by hot pink nails and high-heels," several girls squealed, pushing a horrified Lucius into the parlor.

"If you don't mind," Lucius spoke up, quietly, "Perhaps we could forget the sundress?"

Puppy dog eyes surrounded him as tears began to well up.

Lucius felt the same happening in his eyes as Serra pulled his blonde hair into a preppy ponytail and began to give it pink highlights.

Now, you may believe that Serra would do a horrible job. Why, that's just ridiculous! That's silly! That makes me laugh and titter!! It makes my hair bounce as I laugh! It makes the room go dark from the insanity of it! It makes... It makes sense! ...And it's true.

None of the girls actually got made up themselves, in case you happened to notice. Besides Lucius.

"Excuse me," Lucius whispered to the heavens. "But I'm-"

ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE IN THAT DRESS!!

* * *

All was well and good... Until that fateful day. 

"Lowen, doesn't Lucius look adorable with her hair like this?" Rebecca asked innocently.

"What?" Lowen asked, his back to her as he responded to a nearby tree.

"Doesn't Lucius look cute like this? And we're over here."

Lowen turned. "Well, I can't tell."

Rebecca pouted. "Why not?"

"...Because I can't see it."

Rebecca gasped as the world stopped. "YOU CAN'T SEE IT?!"

Lowen blinked, which nobody could see. It didn't matter anyway.

"Elimine, Lowen's blind!! When did this happen!! Oh, Lowen, are you all right?! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?!!!!????"

Lowen shrugged. "I've always been like this, since I was ten. You see, I refused to get a haircut after then."

Rebecca nodded to signify that she understood.

"Do you understand?"

Rebecca nodded.

"I said, do you understand?"

Rebecca nodded.

"Rebecca?"

Rebecca nodded, meaning, "Yes?"

"ELIMINE, I'M DEAF TOO!!!" Lowen screamed. "It must be my hair covering my ears! Oh, no! What am I going to do?"

Lucius smacked himself on the forehead. Just like his dress, it was going to be a LONG day.

* * *

And that was how Lowen decided that he needed a haircut! 

"I need a haircut," he announced solemnly to the tent wall of Serra's parlor. Farina, the receptionist, who stood next to him, rolled her eyes.

She was about to say, "Dream on, buster," when he said, "Here's all my gold."

She then pushed him into Serra's chair, as Serra came out with her scissors.

She took a look at Lowen, remembering his mad skillz with a lance and a sword, and javelins.

Dude, if he could hurt enemies blind... THINK OF WHAT HE COULD DO IF HE COULD SEE!! He'd OWN everybody! He'd be better than Jaffar (The author squeaks and slides down farther in her chair as a shadow comes over her keyboard) Okay, almost as good as Jaffar. I SWEAR! I SWEAAARRRRR!!!!!

He would be indebted to her, to have made him able to see.

And so Serra got her newest plan, plan "Mayk Loenn C and RULL TE WERRLED!"

* * *

On a completely different subject, Canas and Bartre sat in a fancy restaurant, both wearing tuxedos. 

"Men, what would you prefer off the menu?"

"I would enjoy the cheese fondue immensely," Canas said, having no idea what he just said (WHAT THE HECK IS CHEESE FONDUE?!).

"I would enjoy the cheesecake, and the diaphanous jellatin," Bartre said. Who knows why they like cheese? Anyway. People in the restaurant turned to gape at Bartre, he having just said his first "big" sentence he had ever said, and also having not used third-person, and also having used the word "diaphanous". Karla came over, blinking as she sat down next to him (followed by a half a dozen other women, all wearing short dresses and lots of make-up, and all squealing).

"...You seem awfully handsome," she remarked.

"Don't be circuitous, dear," he remarked. "Say what you please."

"You used to be so..."

"Expletive-using and fractious?" He asked. "Yes, I'm aware of that, and I feel horribly devious and conniving. My apologies."

He delicately dusted off his shoulder.

Her mouth dropped open. "Do you want to fight?"

"Fight? As in a battle? Between galliant knights and the like?"

"No, between you and me!"

"Ah. I see." He adjusted the spectacles he just happened to have. 'Cause dude, ALL smart people have SPECTACLES, just like all evil people have goatees (I apologize to good people with goatees. But LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE!). "I feel displeased to refuse your offer, but I have renounced my fighting ways. I am no longer a renegade."

"But a renegade is somebody who's renounced something," Canas pointed out. He was very angry, his spectacle now being on Bartre's face. And besides, everybody knew HE was the smartest!!! HE WAS THE SMARTEST AND THE MOST SANE!!!!! "CANAS WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO DO BAD THINGS TO VUCABURARY!! CANAS IS SOOPER SMART! CANAS'S SMARTICLE-NESS RULES DA WORLD!!!" Canas blasted at the top of his lungs.

People just shook their heads around him. ANOTHER loony with purple hair (they all shuddered, remembering the purple-haired man that came in earlier that day... "AND I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL, FOR I AM THE DEMON KING!!! MWA HA HA HA HA!!!).

Canas gasped for breath, attempted to adjust his non-existent spectacles (monocle, whatever), and looked about for Bartre. But he was gone, off on a date with Karla (and possibly some other ladies, too, now that he's got muscles AND wit).

Canas smacked himself on the forehead.

* * *

"This won't hurt a bit," Serra said. Then she thought. Okay, well, she didn't THINK, but she LOOKED like she was thinking. Well, that's stretching it a bit, but... "Although, maybe you want me to use a smaller chainsaw? It's prettier." 

Lowen sniffed. "Before you cut, I want to say goodbye to my hair."

"Get it over with, then," Farina said, rolling her eyes.

"Goodbye, hair I've never seen. Goodbye, my beautiful black locks." Farina let out a snicker. "I'm sorry, but I have to do this. Before... Before I lose my hearing entirely! I'm SORRY!!" He began to sob, which nobody but his hair knew he was doing. "Don't hate me. In fact..." Lowen raised a fist. "I'LL WAIT FOR YOU!!" To grow back, he means.

Serra frowned. "Do you want me to cut your hair or not?"

"Do it quickly, please," Lowen sniffed.

Serra revved up her chainsaw (she had decided, "Scissors are for losers with pink hair!!" After which, she had frowned, and wondered why that sounded so insulting).

Rebecca smiled, watching Serra do the haircut. Then she gasped.

"THAT'S ADORABLE! Let me have it!"

"What?" Serra swung around, almost chopping Farina's head off.

"There! That necklace in his hair! Isn't that cute?"

Serra looked, letting out a happy squeal. "I cut it!! Let me have it!"

"Nuh-uh!" Rebecca yelled.

Farina rubbed her hands together greedily. "Not that I plan to steal it from both of you, take it to a store, and sell it for money which I will use to buy stuff with, but where is this necklace? I don't see it."

Rebecca smiled, the argument temporarily stopped as she pointed. "See, it's there to the right of the spider and the left of the dead bird."

All three girls nodded.

"I wonder what else he's got in there!" Serra squealed. "It's like a treasure box!"

"Yeah!" Rebecca chirped. "Cut some more!"

Lowen said, "Okay, you guys can look. But try to be quick."

The girls began to root through his hair.

"Look, it must have been snowing where you've been, Lowen!!" Rebecca chirped.

"That's funny," Farina said, something behind her back (not the necklace, silly readers!! OF COURSE NOT!!). "We haven't been anywhere snowy."

"Oh," said Lowen. "Those are always there. I tried to get them off, but no matter how hard I pulled, the snow wouldn't come out. Though lots of hair did!" Lowen smiled, scratching an itch on his head. Or, scratching several itches on his head, to be specific.

Farina smiled, sticking her hand in his hair and waving it around. "It's like a jungle in here! What do you do, water it?"

"Oh, no," Lowen said. "I haven't taken my decade shower in a while now. It's due pretty soon, actually. In another six months or so."

"Wow, you shower a lot!" Rebecca exclaimed. "Athos has only showered five times, and he's way older than you! How many times have you showered?"

"Almost twice," Lowen said proudly. "I've got to keep my hands a bit cleaner than other people's for serving food, you know."

Farina suddenly let out a wail as she whipped her hand back. "WHAT THE HECK?! Something BIT me in there!!"

"I guess I should have warned you about the squirrel," Lowen said mournfully. "Ann saw it once... It almost bit her... She thought it looked scary because it foams at the mouth. But don't worry about that. It's just hungry. I haven't fed it yet today."

All three girls nodded.

"Well, will you please just cut it off? Please, do it fast."

"Okay," Serra said, waving the chainsaw and cutting off about of a fourth of his hair in one swoop. "Ooops. That was a bit far away from your eyes. I'll just have to swing it closer."

* * *

In heaven, Elimine let out a screech as she had to use her godly powers to keep Lowen alive. 

"What is it?" Roland asked, looking up from 'Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?'. He loved that show, although he never got any of the answers right.

"Serra's trying to murder somebody again... And she's got a CHAINSAW!!"

"Who's she trying to murder?"

"Lowen... Hmm... That's weird... He's basically unimportant. They don't even have a support conversation together."

"So?"

"So, this can only mean..." Elimine's face darkened as her hand twitched towards the stick of dynamite in her pocket. "She's got another plan for ruling the world."

* * *

Serra smiled. "There!! It's done!" 

Lowen sat in front of the mirror with his eyes shut tightly (that's probably a good idea, Lowen, since Serra's standing beside you, and she'll be reflected there).

"Does it look good?"

Serra observed her handiwork, wondering if it was okay if one side was about 3 inches taller than the other.

"It's totally awesome!!!" She grinned, her sharp shark teeth looking ever-menacing. "Hey, Lowen, you owe me lots and lots... Maybe there's somebody that you could... Take care of..."

Lowen didn't pay attention to that comment, instead beginning to open his eyes...

We pause at this dramatic moment to give you:

Silly Songs With Nino!

A chibi Nino (even chibier than the REAL Nino!) grins, puts on a pair of sunglasses, and starts to sing to the tune of "His Cheeseburger" from Veggie Tales.

He said to her, "I'd like a haircut... Maybe a wash as well."

She said to him, "I can't give you either..."

And he said, "But I want my hair to be swell."

She said, "I know, but you've got none."

He said, "What do you mean?"

She said, "It's all chopped off...

It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen."

'Cause you got OWNED

By a lady with pink HAIR

Who's got no fashion sense, who's got no fashion sense!

'Cause you've got no HAIR

Not here or THERE...

You'd better wear a hat!

Or make the world suffer...

He stayed at the parlor till sunrise

Demanding his hair get cut

While Jaffar had fun outside

Deciding which innocent guy he should gut

He couldn't stop thinking of a haircut

He needed one REALLY SOON!

Oh hair, please do not get angry!

You'll get revenge with this harpoon!

'Cause you've got no HAIR

Not here or THERE

And it's so sad

You should wear a bag

You got no hair

Do you even care?

All you want to do

Is get... revenge...

'Cause Serra messed up your hair with her evil ways

And now you feel all in a daze

But don't worry you just have to wait!

For that hair to GROW BACK!! Hair to GROW BACK!!! WAIT FOR YOUR PRECIOUS HAIR TO GROW BACK!!

You are so very, very... Bald...!

Tune in next time to hear Nino sing: "Where Is My Hairbrush?"

* * *

For those of you who have no idea what Veggie Tales is... Or at least, what the heck the song "His Cheeseburger" is... And did not just get the last song at all, and that sort of thing... Well... Ooops... Go look up "His Cheeseburger" on youtube, and look at theVeggie Tales one. It's hilarious. It's supposed to be a serious love-song sort of thing, but instead it's about a guy and his cheeseburger.

* * *

_I'm also really sorry about the length of this chapter, and all that. And the update time!! I finally managed to type it up a while ago,and then our computer crashed (we lost our internet for a week, too!) before I posted it, and I lost some of my files, including theone with the new chapter on it. I had to re-type it, and I was feeling down-hearted because of the whole thing and couldn't bring myself to type it again until now (yes, I'm extremely lazy, I know...). Anyway, I'm so sorry! Okay, the talking I'm going to try to make shorter, seeing as how the same reviewer complained of the length of the author's note... Which I've already messed up a good deal. Ahem. Anyway, on we go!_

_Cheea5- I'm sorry I messed around with the storyline a bit. There will be shrieking and burning of eyeballs from Lowen next time, I promise! Anyway, thank you for supporting me, and that was a great idea! Thank you!_

_Immortal Wifey- We all get that sort of thing, don't we? Random random attacks!!! I like that! I'll have to use that. Anyway, thanks for reviewing!!_

_Tri17- Thank you so much!! You really flatter me. And thanks for translating! (I bet that was fun, wasn't it? Major sarcasm) I hope you liked this chapter too. Thanks again!_

_Dark Blaziken- Yes, I do plan to use Matthew soon. Lots and lots. Because we all love Matthew to death (Matthew hunches down in his seat, taking meaning literally, praying to Elimine that Jaffar happens to be nearby)!! Yep, he's cool. And I'll try to do something Christmasy after next chapter, although I hope I get it out in time. Anyway, thanks for your reviews and suggestions!! Thank you so much!!!_

_Wery Jack- YOU DID?! Didn't you just love it?! I adore their cuteness (for some reason, I can't stand kissiness and the like, or angsty romance, though I do love theirs!). Okay, so it's mostly Nino's cuteness and Jaffar being all, "I can't be your friend anymore," to raise drama. Congratulations! I'll try to include Nino in the holidays too. Well, bye for now! Thanks a lot!!_

_sagewolf- Thanks! And it's okay about the not reviewing. I don't mind. I"m glad you're doing it now! Anyway, yep, Elimine's pretty evil in my weird way of thinking. And yes, Serra doesn't even need dynamite to blow up the world (I laughed at that comment)! Thank you so much!!_

_anonymous- Okay, so... I'm sorry. I made it long again. I had to say stuff, though. You don't have to read all the reviewer's notes, just your own. I'm going to attempt to make Serra rule the world again, especially with Christmas. And as I said earlier, I'm sorry about Bartre. However, I make fun of everybody, not just him, and not just certain characters. I will dispense the silliness. And I made him smart in this chapter! Funky! Okay, so... Thanks for your suggestions!_

_Absol Master- YAYYY!! Thank you!! You really make me happy with all that praise!! Thank you so much for doing this and supporting me in my stories!! I hope you liked this lots and lots, and I promise to include Hector and his "lame henchmen" more. Hee hee!!_

_Fire Emblem Mew Mew- Yep, I've got somebody else saying that about Serra too! Welcome to the gang... Mwa ha ha ha ha!! Thanks for reviewing, and welcome! Thanks for your suggestions!_


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N: Ugh... Worst update time ever... I'm sorry. Hopefully, the length of this will make up for the time spent. I hope everybody had a great holidays and also a happy New Year!! Oooohhhh... And next year, I WILL get out a Christmas chapter. I had one planned and everything! Anyhoo, please enjoy (if you can call it that) Serra's Ways!_

Serra's Ways

Chapter 15

He blinked, and Serra could tell he was confused (it takes a confused person to know one).

"Er..."

It was then that the sun came out from behind a cloud. Lowen let out an ear-piercing scream that easily matched one of Serra's.

"MY EYES!!!!! THEY BURRRRNNNNNNN!!!!!"

Serra frowned. "Farina isn't that ugly, Lowen. How rude of you."

Farina's eye twitched, as she mentally wondered whether it was possible to kill him and Serra at the same time by hurling chunks of rocks at them.

Then, she stopped, and imagined people throwing chunks of rocks at HER... Not to stop herself from being violent, sillies! Golden rocks that glimmered and happened to land in her purse instead of striking her!

While Farina rushed off humming something that sounded suspiciously like "Mine" from Pocahontas (not that anybody knew what it was), Serra observed her obvious wonderful job on Lowen.

Lowen was screeching and covering his eyes, all the while hopping on one foot and running around. Oh, she was good.

"Do you like it?"

Lowen stopped screeching enough to say, "Yes, thank you very much," because that's what Marcus whipped into-

I mean, taught him. Ahem. (The author stops and calls child services on Marcus after a moment's consideration)

Serra could tell that the statement was true. After all, people always screamed and ran around when she was there, covering their eyes (and ears)... It was a sign of how popular she was with them. So Serra grinned that grin that looked like a movie clip out of Jaws.

"Lowen, dearie... As I said before, there's someone you need to take care of for me..."

Lowen stopped squealing, and turned to face the wall, shielding his eyes. "What do you mean?"

She cackled and rubbed her hands together.

* * *

"And remember," she added, "Erky likes his milk when it's past the expiration date." 

Lowen blinked. He was looking around Serra's tent, where a squirming Erk was in a high chair, gagged and tied-

Er, sitting.

Lowen had just become more and more confused over the past few hours... First Serra kept asking him if "He could wield weapons better now" and also if he was "good at childcare", and some strange thing about "owning Jaffar". Whatever that meant.

When Lowen got confused, he shut his eyes real tight and tried to think. Two hours ago, both things would have been useless, as Lowen's eyes were practically shut all the time what with his hair, and as for the other... Well.

But now, when he stopped and tried to think, he found some weird gear in his head making little clanking noises. Or perhaps that was just the monkey with the cymbols. Ah, but whatever.

"Isn't that Erk?"

Definitely the monkey.

"ERKY," she corrected. With a flip of one pink pigtail, she was gone, and Lowen was temporarily blinded by the... Pinkness.

After freaking out and worrying that his hair had grown back again, he realized that he could see once more. Then he turned to Erk, who was trying to move the steak knife on the high chair towards him. Not for cutting the rope, of course, but for ending his painful existence on the earth with Serra. Unfortunately for poor Erk, Elimine did not have that planned, and instead the steak knife slipped and stabbed Lowen in the foot.

After letting out a girlish scream, he decided to go to a healer. Then he came back to reality and decided that dying a painful death from blood loss would be much better than going to see the girly, pink-loving, high-voiced healer that we all know and hate.

(Serra pops up. "That wasn't a very nice thing to say about Priscilla. Just because it's the truth doesn't mean you go around saying it.")

"Urgh," he groaned, examining the foot, wondering what the others would say. He could just imagine his teacher Marcus now...

"Lowen! How dare you tie Erk up?! What were you thinking, boy?! This clearly violates knight code number 129,666!!"

Well, actually, it would have been more like 'How stupid of you to drop a knife on your foot like that! You call yourself a MAN?' And then he would have gotten whacked on the head with one of Marcus' many purses.

However, the green haired dude slowly realized that one of those things wasn't part of his imagination. It took a while. Then he SLOOOOOOWWWWLYYYY turned around.

He rotated a half of a quarter of an inch.

He rotated another half of a quarter of an inch.

He rotated another half of a quarter of an inch.

He rotated another half of a quarter of an inch.

He rotated another half of a quarter of an inch.

He rotated another half of a quarter of an inch.

He rotated another half of a quarter of an inch.

He rotated another half of a quarter of an inch.

He rotated another half of a quarter of an inch.

He rotated another half of a quarter of an inch.

He rotated another half of a quarter of an inch.

He rotated another half of a quarter of an inch.

And then he just about got his hair cut off by a certain purple-haired paladin. Er, that is, what's left of his hair.

"Lowen!" Marcus barked. "Boy, that's it- we're going to have a sparring match here and now, and then perhaps you'll have a little more respect for the purple haired members of this army!!"

Lowen blinked at him. "That's funny," he said. "You sound exactly like Commander Marcus."

Marcus took this as a horrible insult. "You- you CUR!!!" He spluttered. "I am who I am!"

Lowen blinked. "But sir... My commander is a girl."

There was a silence that filled the room. For one, Marcus' mouth was hanging too far open to be of much use. Lowen was, in turn, examining his fingernails, wondering why they looked so dirty and why they were painted a hot pink (outside, Rebecca lamented over how she should have added sparkles to it). Erk was, obviously, gagged. Either that, or mourning the loss of the chance to free himself.

"Yep," Lowen said, "You're not my commander." And then he turned back to Erk, and attempted to shove some delicious dried up, mashed up, baby food prunes in his mouth (after which Erk made choking noises and his gag turned a strange green color).

Marcus made a little whimpering sound.

"I'm not crying!" Sniffles. "...Crying is for women, like Lucius."

He then turned and ran away, to go be emo in his tent, along with the other emo people in the army, such as Nino, Lucius, Rebecca, and Wil!

...Yeah.

* * *

It was a very confusing afternoon for Lowen. After all, he had to keep pairing up voices to the people who owned them. Sometimes, he made mistakes (certainly, mistaking Jaffar for Serra wasn't THAT bad of an error... Was it?), but most of the time he was right. It was fun seeing the many different people, because some of them looked much stranger than what he had imagined. After all, he never would have guessed that Bartre's hair was purple... Or that of the three leaders of the army, only one was female (and not the one he had guessed). Pshaw, minor details. 

Anyway, Lowen wasn't used to seeing. And of course, that was how he met up with our favorite cleric again.

"Helloooooo, Lowen."

Lowen stopped. The high, squeaky, and commanding pitch... Although he hadn't seen it before when he was with her...

"COMMANDER MARCUS!!!" He yelled in delight.

Serra felt insulted, and yet again, she didn't know why. "I'm not-"

"Thank Elimine you're here. I've been having a horrible- I mean, horrible in a manly and chivalrous kind of way- day. You gotta help me!" He wailed. "It's great being able to see... Except for, you know, looking at you. Er, I mean, looking at the sun. Yeah. It hurts."

Serra beamed. "You compared me to the sun! Oh, Lowen, that's so cute!"

Lowen winced, preparing for a weak- er, vicious and manly and knightly slap across the face accompanied with a shriek that said, "Lowen, men are not CUTE!!".

"Thank you!"

Serra suddenly realized that she had forgotten all about taking over the world... Usually, forgetting things didn't bother her. Such as all that silly stuff about "adding" and "minusing" and also the ever-confusing "manners and respect". But now, she was angry she had forgotten such an important thing.

"Lowen, we've got to take over the world!!!"

He tilted his head. "General Marcus?"

"We gots to ROOLE TE WERLD!!!" Came the replying shriek.

"Um, okay, General Marcus. Whatever you say."

"Really?" Serra's eyes lit up. "REEAAAAAAaaaalllyyyyyyy?"

"Yes. A knight never goes back on his word, right?"

"Word? What do you... OH, that you mean what you say? That's nonsense, Lowen. You can always go back on what you say." She shifted her eyes. "Especially when you're as well liked as me." She threw a dramatic hand to her forehead. "Alas, many men confessed their love to me, and to not give them angwash, I told them that I-"

Lowen effortlessly tuned out the rest of the rant... He had learned that if you could tune out General Marcus, well, you could tune out anything. Including bombs, volcanoes, screamed warnings, proclamations of love, Ann, the world in danger, and Bob the Builder's theme song.

When their mouth stopped moving and they frowned, you nodded and said, "I agree with you, sir." And looked thoughtful, while of course you were actually plotting your latest song and dance routine. Er, that is, if Lowen danced and sang. Because he doesn't, because that's girly, just like him. I mean, not girly. Er... Forget it.

Serra frowned, taking a deep breath after her rant. "You got a makeover, but you need to get a personality makeover... You need to act more like me. That way, we can ROOLE TE WERLD!!!"

* * *

Lowen wore a black ski cap and baggy clothes. He was belting out the words to "Cupid's Chokehold", which was definitely better than "Soulja Boy", which he had just finished. And better than Barbie Girl, too. 

"Um, General Marcus, what is the purpose of this?"

"We have to make sure that you can be as... Gangsta gangsta as me."

"But I know you," Lowen said. "You're not a stranger."

"NOOOOOOoooooo!!!!" Serra shrieked. "I mean GANGSTA! As in..." Actually, Serra had no idea what a 'gangsta' was. She was just going with what she had heard from Ann in a rant against the "rappers, gangstas, and fangirls" in the world.

"As in what?"

Serra shrugged and waved her hand around. "Minor details." She patted Lowen on the head, and then squealed in a way that made her I.Q. look like it was in the negatives. "Ooh, I'm so close to ROOLING TE WERLDD!!"

"Why do you want to..." Lowen puzzled over the words. "Roole te werldd?"

"BECAUSE," Serra said in a dignified, explanatory, and kind way. Er, not. "Now, get back to ratting."

"Yes, sir."

Serra cackled. Her day was going beautifully (and by that, I am not implying anything about HERSELF, just the day).

* * *

"DAWWWGGGGGG!!!!" Lowen yelled, whacking a dummy with a stick... And missing. 

He wiped his forehead and let out a sigh. "Oh, General Marcus. I'm so sorry. It's just that..."

She scowled.

"It's so hard to actually HIT the dummy. Couldn't I just make loud, unneccesary sounds and wave around my weapon like I know how to use it? You know, like Lord Hector. Except for smarter, and without a lollipop."

"You're not a NINJA," Serra told him. "You're a GANGSTA GANGSTA, and no gangsta gansta of mine is going to be a ninja."

"All right," a voice said. "Somebody tell me what's going on here, and also who the rapper is."

"Ratter!" Serra corrected, happy that she knew more than the tactician.

She was eyed with that often-seen look that said, 'You're a complete utter idiot who doesn't know what the heck you're doing. You cannot spell, and your vocabulary is about as big as a member of the Kingdom of Monera. You also do not know the difference between a squirrel and a chipmunk, not to mention the difference between yourself and an individual like myself. You are grating on my nerves and it is necessary to stop. Also, you do not know the Hannah Montana theme song. So therefore, I shun you. SHUUUUNNNNN THE NONBELIEVER!!! SHUUUNNN' And you know the rest of that look. After all, people give it all the time.

"I know that you admire me, Annie, but really, you cannot see this secret project I'm working on."

Ann gave her another look, this time one that had a few curse words thrown into it, not to mention funeral planning. Oh, and a mention of Spongebob.

"Don't give me that puppy dog look. It won't work. I INVENTED the puppy dog look." Serra proceeded to demonstrate, after which all the mirrors in the camp broke, along with several glasses and Eliwood's tiara.

One eyebrow went up. "Right. Please, don't make me another Lowen and stop doing that."

"I'm Lowen the man, and I cook in a pan. I like to eat jam, and I love to... Shabam." Lowen made that motion with his hands that looks like those rock lovers when they throw their head back and forth to the song.

Ann glanced at him before bursting into hysterics. "You've GOT to be joshing. That's not Lowen. For one, he's got eyes." Lowen looked insulted in the background. "I mean, his eyes are visible. Also, he's wearing A SKI CAP. And he's RAPPING."

"RATTING," Serra added in. "And Lowen can SO rat."

"Yeah, but if I'm not mistaken, the last time he tried to do any sort of song or dance General Marcus just about killed him with his wig. I mean, not that General Marcus has in his possession a wig." She frowned, clearing her head of disturbing memories. "Anyhow, it's very improbable that Lowen would be allowed to do that sort of thing."

"But General Marcus TOLD me to... That way, we could roole te werldd." A booming voice echoed Lowen, so that 'roole te werldd' sounded again and again in a very annoying way.

"General Marcus?" The tactician was now VERY suspicious.

"Yes. He's standing there right before you, telling you it's okay."

"Lowen," she informed him, "This is Serra."

Lowen blinked, and then said, "No it's not. It's General Marcus."

"It's Serra. General Marcus would NEVER have pink hair, not to mention WEAR A DRESS. No man wears DRESSES."

* * *

Somewhere far away, in the bushes with Raven watching Priscilla and Heath nervously talking to each other standing ten feet apart, with Raven muttering about "the cheek" of "that man", "getting close" to Priscilla "like THAT", there was a disturbance. 

A certain blonde monk sneezed, to which Raven immediately became obsessive over his blonde friend's health, blaming the wyvern rider in front of him for it. The pair in front of them did not seem to sense their presence, because I say so and because they're having a 'romantic' scene. Also, if I say they noticed Raven and Lucius and Priscilla got mad (by mad, I mean got worried for her brother and Lucius in the DANGEROUS bushes that could SCRATCH them), Raven would kill me.

* * *

"Never say never," Lowen said, defensively. "That's a quote of General Marcus. He never- I mean, he wouldn't- say never. I mean, that word. The bad one that we should never- er, that we can't- say. Yeah." 

"Okay, then it's impossible."

"You shouldn't say that! That was another quote!"

"Then General Marcus having pink hair is about as probable as somebody having natural multicolored hair."

* * *

Heath sneezed, to which Raven became very angry. "SPREAD SICKNESS TO MY SISTER, WILL YOU?!" He screamed, and leapt up. 

Priscilla, too, began to screech and cry. "You're SICK!!! Oh, I'm such a bad person! Why, Elimine, WHY?! Take ME instead, Elimine, not Heath!"

"Did Heath say he was going to send you to Elimine?!" Raven roared in anger. "Why, you lay ONE FINGER on my sister, much less KILL her, and I'll-"

"Everybody just calm down!" Lucius begged, then realized that he might be insulting somebody by ordering things. "Please."

* * *

"That's not true!" Lowen said in horror. 

"It is VERY true." Ann nodded. "But if you want to doom yourself to being with Serra... Well, that's your suffering." She paused. "Your great, GREAT suffering. Frankly, your own little purgatory in human form."

Lowen just blinked and nodded. "Er... Okay. Whatever you say."

Ann left, rueing the day she ever took it upon herself to run the army. And Serra grinned.

"Lowen, I think you're ready."

He attempted plunging a spear into a straw target, then yelled out in pain as he thought he had broken his arm from the impact of the blow.

"Yes... Now, we will ROOLE TE WERLDD!!!" Ominous music began to play. Music such as "I Love You, You Love Me", and "Everytime We Touch".

* * *

Lowen and Serra stood on a high hill, the blood-red sun setting behind them. Lowen let out a war cry as he jumped on his pony (Okay, so, I lied. It took him a few tries and he kept falling off instead of staying in the saddle. Eventually, Serra put superglue on it and Lowen could ride) and rode gallantly down the hill towards the FE people's camp. 

A hush fell over the camp as Lowen drew closer. He smiled at their awe at him.

* * *

"Um, Nino?" A random woman whispered, sticking her head into the girl's tent. 

Several girls behind her gasped as the woman's body fell back... Decapitated.

They all shivered. '...Naptime for Nino...'

Everyone knew that the slightest sound could kill them all.

* * *

"Hey, Lowen?" Serra asked from the back of his horse. "Why's it so quiet?" 

"For one, you're here and not in the camp... Er, I mean, I guess they're all taking naps. At the same time. But that'll be best for rooling te werldd, right?"

"Yeah!" Serra yelled, pumping one fist up in the air, which hit the bell that signaled lunchtime. In other words, the loudest thing in camp besides her own voice had just made a noise.

* * *

In the tent, a head with pointy hair and dangerously glinting eyes rose, the owner of it standing up.

* * *

After the tree ten feet away had snapped back into its original position from the soundwaves and the tent that had been blown away (revealing it to be a sleeping Lord Eliwood's tent... Aw, his nightgown looks so CUTE!) was far off in the distance, Serra sucked in a breath. 

"Hm. Do you think that woke anybody up?"

Lowen shrugged, stuck a finger in his ear, twisted it around, then, with a great sucking noise, pulled it back out along with a tube of earwax long enough to best Shrek's.

"What did you say? I couldn't hear it over the ringing echoes."

She repeated herself.

"Nope. Still got ringing ears."

Serra frowned, not used to having someone actually NOT HEARING HER... Goodness, WHAT HAD GONE WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

"I said, 'DO YOU THINK THAT WOKE ANYBODY UP?!?!'?!" She yelled at the top of her lungs.

The poor tree, which was obviously not in the best of luck that day, had been uprooted and now was lying about eighty feet away. Several tent covers were blown away, leaving only people who were hiding for good measure from the wrath of Nino's Naptime...

Which had now been officially disrupted.

* * *

The angry eyes were not nearly as scary as the glittery weapons tossed expertly in the person's hands (pretty pretty, shiny shiny...).

* * *

Serra blinked, looking around. 

"They've all gone mad," she said, shrugging. "Listen to them. I mean, Hector's mother has been dead for years, and yet he's yelling for her from behind Lady Lyndis... See?"

Lyn was, in fact, covering a thumb-sucking Hector (who is much better than Lyn, because he's a MAN, and men are better. After all, they take care of everything. Like the hunting, and being brave), and had Kent in front of her, who was gallantly, manly... ly, and bravely waving his lance about, whispering to himself. "I knight of Caelin. I beat bad guys who try eat Lady Lyndis..."

The three pegasus sisters huddled together, Florina in the middle, murmuring to each other as they usually did.

"Maybe if we bribe him, he won't hurt us. Actually, if we bribe him, that means we'll be giving away money... Fiora, how much does a funeral cost, anyway? Certainly less than bribery."

"Surely if I give him a speech on harming innocent maidens he will listen..."

"If that punk gangsta comes near me, I'll beat him so bad that he won't see the sun shine no more..." The third comment was greeted with confused looks from the other two, which then resulted in "...P-perhaps w-we should a-all p-pray t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-"

Both sisters, thinking that she was choking on something, slapped her back and out popped the last word.

"T-together."

Lucius was praying as well.

"And Elimine, thank you for my best friend Raven. And his sister, Priscilla. And her friends, Heath and Guy. And thank you for Ann, for her guidance. Thank you for myself, of course. Oh! And we musn't forget everyone else in camp." (Which he proceeded to list)... "...And also, thank you for the ground. And the tents. And the roof over our heads... Oh, wait. Er, nevermind that last bit. But let it rest in peace wherever it is. Oh, and thank you for the birdies, and the sunshine." Thunder crackled overhead as it rained... Like it had been doing for the last eight hours. "And Bob. Whoever he is. I just felt like praying for Bob. And how could we ever forget..."

...Anyway, Serra and Lowen were making their way through the camp, unknowing of the horrors soon to befall them...

When they saw a little figure, cloak over her as she walked through the rain, jumping in every puddle she saw and giggling after it.

"I'm singing in the rain... I'm SINGING IN THE RAIN... What a glorious feeling, I'm-"

She paused, then let out a childish yawn.

"Hmm... Nino is tired. Which is bad. Why is Nino tired? Oh, yes. The loud noise. And Serra's voice."

Suddenly, the hood caught on fire, and the surrounding three tents also caught on fire, as an ominous laugh was heard.

"Oh, no!!" Lowen yelled. "Poor little Nino got caught in the freak forest fire which had nothing to do with any fire spell at all!! We have to save her in the name of all good!"

Serra frowned. "Serra doesn't mean anything good. Does that mean I have to help?"

"But your name is Marcus, not Serra... And I'm sure that Marcus means something entirely manly-ish and strong and good!"

* * *

"...I think I'll name him Marcus." 

"That means 'hammer', doesn't it? That's great. It's a good, strong man name."

A blank stare and a cough.

"...Actually, where I come from, it means 'flower girl of doom'. I think it's perfect for this baby." A pause. "You agree, don't you? DON'T YOU?!"

* * *

"So, we've got to save Nino! She doesn't deserve anything this bad... She's such a sweet, innocent child."

* * *

"What happened to this town?" The traveling man asked in horror, looking at the burnt remains of what must have once been a prospering, gorgeous town. 

"...One day, a little girl came. Innocent enough... Until her naptime was interrupted. Then, we were all goners. Half of us were dead before sunrise. We tried to kill the beast... But it didn't work. Only I escaped... And I live to tell the tale of the demon known as Nino."

* * *

"Poor kid. I bet she's scared to death in there. Whoever's responsible should feel ashamed. And this is why you don't leave campfires unattended in the woods, children. That's what Smoky Bear... Er... Um, let's just go save Nino." 

Serra sighed. "Hmph. Okay. Geez, why do you have to be so knightly?"

As they stepped in, a deep, menacing voice said...

"Welcome to... The RING OF FIRE!!!"

A few bubbles appeared out of nowhere, along with a bunch of mages and shamans and monks muttering random words.

"Augh, Jaffar, I'm not very good at this. Why can't I be menacing?" A sigh from the assassin. "You say I should give it time." A pause. "Don't yell at me!"

"Nino?" Lowen called, all thoughts of 'rooling te werldd' out of his mind. "Are you okay?"

A cheerful face appeared out of the smoke, and twirled two daggers, then went at superspeed to the front of Lowen.

Serra threw her arms around Lowen's head, easily covering his eyes. "WATCH OUT!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'm too young and beautiful for you to die!" A pause. "...I, of course, will make it out of anything unscathed. LOWEN! EYES ON THE CREEPY ASSASSIN!!"

"I'm BLIND!" Lowen screamed. "OH, THE HUMANITY! OH, MY HAIR!"

The assassin (Nino) let out a sigh. "...I wanna go beddy-bye. But I need to get rid of them first if I ever wanna sleep."

Lowen's horse bucked at the growing fire, throwing the saddle off of it, which took Lowen and Serra with it.

They both fumbled up, still superglued to the saddle and now having to wobble around looking like two St. Louis Arches.

Nino advanced towards them, her daggers just itching to strike their skin...

Serra screamed. It was the end for her and Lowen. She dramatically wailed and fell to the ground, clutching her hands to her torso, which must have been bleeding like mad.

"Save yourselves!" She yelled. "Don't worry about me! I'll sacrifice myself for you!" She continued writhing and screaming as the rest of the camp watched (several 'hallelujahs' and "my prayers to Elimine came true" were murmured).

Then, Lowen went and popped the bubble of happiness for everyone.

"Um, General Marcus?"

She slowly opened one eye, squinting it.

"Is this heaven? It sure doesn't look like heaven. There's freaks here, that's what. Oh, look. My side isn't bleeding any more. It must be heaven."

Hector tentatively walked up to her.

"...Augh. Elimine may have created good-looking humans, but she really messed the angels up."

"...She's alive and breathing, everybody."

A giant sigh and an "Aw, man..." Was heard all around.

Ann also stepped up to her, holding a bucket of water. "Wash your face. What IS that?"

"Warpaint," Serra responded cheerfully. She had put it on right before riding with Lowen to the camp.

"...This is lipstick smiley-faces drawn all over your face."

"Warpaint," Serra stressed, rolling her eyes at Ann's stupidity, and then bending over to look in the bucket of water.

She recoiled. "I'm telling you. Elimine really messed up the angels. I hope I never see THAT one ever again."

Lowen blinked. "...General Marcus?"

"WHAT, Lowen? Oh, you died too?"

"...Nino fell asleep before she got to us. She was too tired. She never laid a scratch on us."

Serra blinked.

"Oh."

"And why are you calling Serra General Marcus?" Eliwood asked. "That's Serra." He sleepily rubbed his eyes.

"But, milord, that's General Marcus..."

"No, that's Serra."

Lowen gasped. "...You mean?"

Marcus rode up to him, delivering him a weak slap. His pink dress flayed in the wind. "I AM GENERAL MARCUS! THE MANLY ONE!"

"I'm sorry!!" Lowen wailed.

Serra frowned. "Lowen, let's roole te werldd now."

Lowen turned to her. "I'm sorry, miss, but I cannot. You're not General Marcus."

He turned to Marcus. "I'm sorry to have been led astray, teacher. Please forgive me."

"...Okay. But only if you take me shopping."

"Yes, sir!"

* * *

"WHY?" Elimine wailed. "Why? She was trying to rule the world, so if she got killed, she would have gone down there, not up here... Oooohhhhh, it makes me so mad! That stupid Nino girl messed everything up by falling asleep." 

A gong rang.

"That's the doorbell!" Roland cheered. "Maybe it's the Papa John's guy!"

Elimine continued to rant about Nino, about how controlling her and making her angrily bloodthirsty hadn't worked.

From the doorway... "Yeah, come on in. ...Who are you? Oh, Jaffar? That name rings a bell. Yep, Elimine's right in here. Why did you want to see her? And what's with the knives? Are those for real?"

Elimine turned around. "...Roland, what have I told you about letting random strangers into the house? Remember the last time? That stupid yellow sponge wouldn't stop singing and dancing and asking me to be his friend."

"...Yes, she's been real mad at a girl named Nino. Me? Oh, no, I like Nino. She's sweet. So, how sharp are those knives? ...Really?! You'll give me a demo? Thanks!"

* * *

_A/N: A bit of a funky ending... Ah, whatever. When Serra looked in the bucket, she saw her reflection, just to say so. And, I meant to mess up on angwash and ratting earlier. Eeehhh... Sorry about all the wait. It just HAPPENED..._

_Cheea5- I know who he is... They really did one on him?! That's hilarious. I've gotta look that up! I do love the cheeseburger song. Thanks for your review and all your support!_

_Fire Emblem MewMew- I'm sorry I didn't update fast... But thank you for all your kind words! I like the new Canas too... And though I've never actually played SS, one of my friends has it and she adores Lyon and has obsessed over him to me._

_Anonymous- It's intentional. One of the girls is talking (Rebecca I think), and she thinks he's a girl, so she refers to him like that. In the non-talking text, I do refer to him as a guy. Yeah, the scissors went up and beyond. But this is SERRA we're talking about... Denying the laws of nature. Ahem. The song was a bit over-played for humor reasons than what he actually got it cut to. Thank you for your comments and stuff!_

_DarkBlaziken- That's really good!!! UGH!!! (Author bangs head against school wall because of inability to do Christmas chapter) I promise to do something like that next Christmas. WAAAHHHH... And yes, I know what you mean about Lowen... I can never use him in the battles because he gets owned. However, some people say Lowen rocks, especially with supports with Rebecca. Anyhoo, thanks for all your nice comments and everything! I really enjoy hearing from you and everybody else._

_Absol Master- Uh... I don't know. She glued him to a saddle and just about got the two of them killed... Does that cover it? Anyway, well, Serra didn't get to rule the world much. Ah, well! Lowen would be upset that you hated him, but in actual FE world, he didn't get his hair cut, so he can't hear you... Hee hee hee. Yeah, I don't love Lowen either, but he's funky. Well, thanks for your review and all your support!_

_EBIL DUSTBUNNY OF DOOOOM- Yeah, I'm giving Serra a lot of weapons... I'm asking for somebody to get hurt. Oh! Welcome to the gang! Thanks for your review!_

_sagewolf- Tell me about it... But Farina wouldn't really mind, she's so zoned out in happiness. Yep, poor Lowen. At least he can see now. Thanks for your review and for reading!_

_Arcanine Majesty- Yes, I do love messing with Lucius. Hopefully I'll do more of that next chapter! Mwa ha ha... Thank you so much for all your praise!_

_Well, I love you all, as wrong as that sounds... But whateva! I hope you enjoyed this lots, and again, I apologize for the update time. Have lots of fun in the last few months of winter (eeeeee, I got SNOW!)!_


	16. Chapter 16

* * *

_A/N: Wowww, weird chapter!! And once again... Horribly long wait... I am soooo sorry... I just can't seem to help myself... Anyway, please enjoy!! YAY! WOOOO, go kittens and marshmallows and stuff!!_

Serra's Ways

17? I dunno... I count as well as Serra...

"Soo... Who's your hero?" Rebecca asked, pen in hand as she prepared for psychology school.

Serra smiled. "...The seven heroes, of course."

Okay, it was psycho school, but, whatever. "No, I mean... Who do you want to be like?"

Serra imitated a person thinking as she stared blankly into space and wondered what kind of icing she would like on a cake. "I don't know. Um... Me. I want to be like me. Doesn't everybody?"

"Oh, everyone wishes they were you all right," Matthew muttered. "But probably only so they could shut your big mouth and become a mute."

"Yeah. So, I'M my hero!" She waved to a non-existent crowd. "Everybody, I'll be giving free how-to-be-Serra classes after this."

Rebecca began to get disturbing images of pink-haired Jaffars and Erks prancing around in dresses waving staffs and giggling and, most of all, TALKING. AND... SMILING!

She shivered and wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

"...Er, yeah. Um, so, you want to be more like yourself?"

"I AM myself."

"Yes, but I mean-"

"Oh, you mean, would I ever want to be anybody else?"

Rebecca blinked. "Um... That's not what I asked, but you can respond to that."

"I would like to be someone else sometime..." She smiled her shark grin. "But only because if I was somebody else, I could ROOLE TE WORLD. Clerics can't own people, you know."

The entire camp froze, looking at one another, horrible, horrible times flashing through their minds.

Ann shivered. "The apocalypse..."

Serra grinned. "We're so innocent and sweet. Everybody loves and adores us. Why, just the other day..."

Everyone let out a groan as Rebecca smiled and nodded knowingly. "Yes, I see..."

Twenty four hours later

"...And that's how cheeseburgers came to be."

Rebecca smiled and nodded for the bazillionth time. "...That's really interesting."

"Okaayyy, see you later, Rebecca!"

Serra bounced off.

Rebecca smiled and nodded knowingly at where Serra had been sitting. "...That's really heartfelt."

* * *

Elimine was decked out in sunglasses, a pink hat, and a travel brochure about twenty pages long.

"Roland, are you sure you can run the earth without me?"

Roland grinned and clapped his hands as Barney came onto the T.V. screen.

"Roland!"

"Yes, Elimine. Whatever you say."

"Good. Remember to keep Serra in check. You know, if you must... Use the big lightning bolt thingy-m-bob. That'll make her evil plans go up in smoke. Literally."

"Have fun in Hawaii."

"I'm not going to Hawaii. Hawaii sounds like the name of a plant or something. I'm going someplace that sounds nice. I think it's called 'Greenland' or something. Doesn't that sound pretty?"

"Yeah, yeah." Roland squealed and hugged the T.V. as Barney asked the kids for a group hug.

"So, remember: I want the world in complete harmony when I return."

"But Elimine, that's not fair to ask. It's not in harmony now."

"Well, KEEP it the same way!!"

Roland sniffled. "Okay. Bye, Elimine."

"Oh, right... Roland, I asked Hanon to come and keep you company."

"That's great."

Elimine walked out the door as a man in loose clothes walked in.

Roland let out a little screech as he bolted to his feet.

"WAIT! HANON?! Of all people, you ask-"

"Save the whales, dude."

* * *

"Good morning, Lucy!" Serra cheerfully greeted Lucius as she walked past him.

"I DESPISE 'I Love Lucy'," Ann said grumpily. "It's not intellectual at all."

"Aw, Ann, I love Lucy too," Serra squealed. "She's just so cute in that white robe of hers. Of course, not as cute as me. But you're probably envious of Lucy, aren't you?"

"Um, guys?" Lucius tentatively entered the conversation. "I have something I need to say- of course, if you're done talking so I don't interrupt you."

Serra's head jerked. "DID YOU JUST CALL ME A GUY?!"

Lucius swallowed. "O-of course not, Sister Serra. It's a term I've heard used-"

"How dare you get my gender wrong!!" Serra screeched. "What kind of woman are you, insulting others of your kind?! And how could you mess up my gender? What kind of stupid person messes up another's gender?! You have no thoughts for other people! That's incredibly stupid! I'm female!" Serra stormed off, muttering something about how stupid Lucy was for forgetting her gender, and how insulted she was.

Lucius felt his lip curving into a puppy dog pout. "I-I'm sorry for insulting you, Sister Serra, really I am..."

Ann rolled her eyes and went off to scold some other girly lord whose name we won't mention.

And Lucius was left to his thoughts.

He sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve, whereupon the water droplets from it became a rainbow.

"I'm not girly at all. Why can't anybody see that?" His lip jutted out twelve more inches. "Sometimes I just feel so... SADDDD... Sometimes I just want to-"

* * *

"Do you hear something?" Roland was still watching Barney, and had Hanon tied to a chair. A siren, sounded from the wall five feet from Roland, wailed louder.

"N-n-n-n-n-o-o-o-o," Hanon said, the sound vibrations making him bounce up and down. Roland considered things.

"Oh! Hey! I know that sound! That's the sound of an emo being born!" Roland squealed. "I have to stop him!"

He pressed a button on his remote, and the wailing stopped as the the wall flipped over, revealing guns the size of pegasi and Hector put together. Roland stared at the remote.

"Wrong button. Oops." The wall flipped back over, as a kitten ran in, a tiny box in its mouth.

"Yes! The weapon of mass destruction!!" Roland let out a laugh as he opened the box. "MWA HA HA HA HA!! MWA HA HA HA HA!!"

Inside the box lay a single thing: it was evil, it was horrible, it was the danger of all dangers, it was

A marshmallow.

"With this marshmallow, which can make Lucius into another person, he will realize being himself isn't so sucky after all!"

"I thought it was a weapon of mass destruction, dude," Hanon said from the corner. "Like, my man, I thought it was gonna be totally rad."

"I was TALKING about the KITTEN," Roland said. "Hello! Did you see its cute little face? That's the face of an evil dictator." Roland rubbed his hands together. "Now, for the marshmallow. All we have to do is feed this to Lucius..."

"I'll totally do it," Hanon said.

"No, I'LL do it!!"

Hanon hopped out of his chair, the ropes having had tied him to it not being knotted (Roland hadn't learned how to tie shoes yet). "I'LL DO IT FOR THE WHALES!!"

"No, it's mine! My marshmallow! Mine!"

Hanon tackled him with his awesome surfer body, and Roland would have fought back with his sword that's bigger than his horse and him put together, but it happened to be being used at the moment to cut a cake by an even bigger pansy.

They wrestled for a few seconds, and then it happened.

The clouds opened up, and through them went the marshmallow.

"Not rad, my man. Not rad at all. Not cool."

"Elimine's going to kill me if I don't get that marshmallow back!"

* * *

Serra was innocently drilling a hole in Lyn's brain with her voice when a marshmallow fell down from the sky, hitting her straight on.

Serra being Serra, and Serra liking candy...

The marshmallow was swallowed into the point of no return within .364 milliseconds.

And suddenly, Serra wasn't Serra any more.

* * *

Hidden behind a tent, watching the gorgeously gorgeous and beautiful and perfect and wonderful and gorgeous and kind and gorgeous and awesome and ladylike and heavenly and beautiful Lady Lyndis, Sain started to feel weird. Suddenly, it was like... He didn't feel like chasing women any more. He just wanted to... SHE just wanted to...

MARRY LORD HECTOR AND GET RICH AND ROOLE TE WERLDD!!

Lyn stared at Serra's body, which was simply lying there, her body twisted, her face in a gruesome expression, to which Lyn wondered why Serra looked a tiny bit different. But not much.

Suddenly, Serra stood up, looking confused.

"This is not a pleasant situation. I feel strangely... Unintelligent. And clumsy, and full of caprice."

Lyn blinked. "...Serra... Are you okay...?"

Serra's body looked down at itself, and let out a stream of Italian cursing.

"Wow, right there you sounded smart and kinda like..."

"Ann? Well, that's understandable, considering I am her. Hm. I must converse about this with my acquaintance, Athos. What a strange experience. Or am I simply in my REM stage of sleep?"

* * *

"Why's he not in the chick's body? I thought she switched with Sain."

"Apparently the marshmallow knew he was a pervert, and so gave him a different body. It's probably a guy. You know what? We probably just have to give Sain a marshmallow to fix all of this."

"I thought the chick ate that marshmallow."

"Hanon, it's just past Easter. I've got a million Peeps laying around my house. There are marshmallows everywhere in the shapes of chicks and birds and stuff."

"But are they, like, RAD marshmallows?"

"They've got sugar in them. They're DARN rad."

The two gave each other a high-five.

"Now we just need to figure out whose body Sain is in, and where."

* * *

"Look at these muscles," Hector crooned. "I'm so manly. Now all the women will love me."

Matthew blinked at his young master. "Er, milord, you hate women."

"How could I possibly hate women?!" Hector exclaimed. "For they are the joyous chorus in my life, my glorious and special wife... Matthew, do I have a girlfriend?"

"No. But you're friends with Lady Lyndis. If, you know, chopping off each other's heads is being friends."

"Lady Lyndis? The especial female that swoons at the sight of me, her radiance-"

"Hector, we've got a problem, and I need your advice! You're good and level-headed!" Lyn burst in the room, dragging Serra along. "There's something wrong with her. Just moments ago, I saw her THINKING!! Maybe she needs medication or something! Plus, she's got it in her pink head that she's Ann!"

"Milord, you're drooling," Matthew informed him, watching the blue-haired lord as he swayed over to Lyn.

"My glorious lady... The precious light of my life!!"

Lyn began to laugh, and then, to choke. Finally, she fell to the floor, out cold.

"I told you she swooned over me and my totally hot awesome-ness! Ooohhh, and the lovely lady Serra is looking-"

"Absolutely not. You will NOT dare flirt with me, or Elimine help me I WILL put you on the front line next battle, without weapons, with Serra beside you. The death only the worst criminals deserve."

"But I am Sain, the wonderful knight and protector of the ladies!!"

"Wait a second..." Ann paused. "If you're Sain, and I'm Ann... Then people have switched bodies!!" She gave a sideways glance to Matthew. "Let me think for a second..."

"Don't hurt yourself," Matthew snickered.

* * *

"So Ann is Serra... And Sain is Hector... Where's Hector?" The two dead heroes of legend looked down.

"DUDE!! He's... ELIWOOD!"

Roland let out a squeal. "Talk about a girl!"

The two giggled maniacally and poked each other, letting out a "sssss".

* * *

"Lord Eliwood, are you feeling okay?"

"AWAY FROM ME, WOMAN!" 'Eliwood' was backed up against a wall, letting out a screech. "I am not your pansy boyfriend!"

"B-but Lord Eliwood," Ninian said, red eyes filling with tears. "You said we'd be BFFs... And be an 'item'... And that we'd pick flowers together EVERY DAY!! What happened to the sweet you?! Do you not love me any more?" She put her head into her hands, sobbing. One tear landed on Hector.

"GAAAHHHH, my manliness has been compromised!" He shrieked, running about in circles and waving his hands, drying the nail job the REAL Eliwood had done earlier.

Ninian ran off, crying her eyes out.

"Stupid Eliwood and his stupid girlfriend!" Hector let out a roar (which from Eliwood's lungs came out as a squeak), then stomped off, making a nearby flower wonder if a mouse was trying to sneak by. "Ugh! Why do I have to be ELIWOOD, of all people?! This has got to be a dream- a stupid, un-manly dream!" He paused. "...I bet LYN never gets awesome dreams like this." He smirked (or at least attempted. Eliwood's baby face wasn't exactly smirking material), which made Eliwood appear like he had some painful rash on him that really needed a scratch. Because he had a plan. A plan to best Lyn using his best friend's skillz to pay the billz.

* * *

Lucius was VERY unhappy.

Not only was he in a short skirt, wearing light makeup, and surrounded by men...

He was a girl.

* * *

The authoress stared at her computer blankly.

"Oh, drat. Did I misspell something? Something looks wrong here..." The ULTRA SMART authoress stared a bit longer. "Something's just wrong, but I can't figure it out..." Sighing, she continued on.

Literally. A. GIRL.

* * *

"Ann!" Kent said. "We need those battle plans!"

"Ann!" Marcus barked. "Have you seen my pet bunny? It's wearing a pink bow and jumper I made myself!"

"Ann!" Lowen yelled to a rock beside him. "The lights went off again! What do I do?"

"Ann!" Bartre yelled, "Bartre needs funding for atomic research!"

The group turned to stare at him for a second before returning to their original yelling.

"Boys!" Lucius said, bowing his head respectfully. "I'm not a girl... I'm really sorry if you thought I was..."

The group stared again.

"That explains why she- I mean, he- doesn't like shopping," Marcus said. "Ann refused to go with me before, too... And we were going to go to J.C. Penny's and Kohl's..."

"She's not a guy!" Another male member of the army said. "There's no way a male would be that pretty!"

"Um... Ann," Kent said, "Maybe you need to lay down."

"No, it's the truth. I'm not a girl."

They stared at the body of Ann, blinking. She had thin legs, a healthy complexion, a head of long red hair... Blue eyes, with a tiny bit of mascara. Not to mention the amazing fact that she was FEMALE.

"Sorry to burst your bubble," Marcus remarked, "But you're about as much of a male as Lucius is."

"That's exactly it!!" Lucius cried, glad his point was across.

"Good," Heath said in relief. "...We all thought you thought you were a girl for a second there."

And Lucius moaned (silently, so as not to insult them).

* * *

"Okay, so, according to my calculations..." Ann (in Serra's body) stood in front of a chalkboard completely covered with an equasion. "...Serra should be in THIS body!" She pointed a stick to a small, outlined section of the board.

"My beautiful damsel, you are incredibly intelligent as well as gorgeous! I sing praise to you, my heaven-sent angel-" Do I need to say who? Well, actually, maybe I do... Ookaay, Hector (kinda)!

"I don't see it," Matthew said, quite explainably. "...What IS it?"

"Oh, this?" Ann turned back to the board, blinking. "That's just the equasion I did in my spare time after five minutes of figuring out where Serra was."

Matthew frowned. "...What kind of equasion?"

"I tried to figure out what could cause people to switch bodies," Ann muttered. "It didn't work. All I came up with was marshmallows." She shrugged. "But that's okay. I'll figure it out eventually. See, if I use the golden number and combine it with pi and multiply it by the square root of 638, then you get-"

"I like pie!!" Lowen said randomly, popping up. Then he smacked into a tent post.

"All right, everyone," Ann said seriously, "Listen up. What I am about to tell you is highly classified information. Do not tell anyone else in the camp."

Everyone nodded.

"Serra is..."

They all held their breath.

"Serra is..."

Everyone held their breath more.

"Serra is..."

Lyn started turning the color of Hector's hair.

"Serra is..."

"Woman!!" Matthew yelled.

"Okay, okay," Ann muttered. "Serra is..." She winced. "...In Sain."

Everyone blinked.

"Tell us something we DON'T know."

"Ann, not to burst your bubble, but... That isn't exactly classified information."

"Everybody knows that," Lyn agreed. "Even Saint Elimine up in heaven knows it."

("And she knows it especially well," someone said angrily. "She only has to deal with it ALL THE TIME BECAUSE THE WORLD MIGHT END!!")

"No! I'm serious!" Ann said. "Serra's in Sain!"

"We're not doubting you."

"We KNOW, trust me," Matthew muttered.

Ann banged her head against the wall. "WHY WON'T YOU INFERIOR INTELLECTS UNDERSTAND?! SERRA IS IN SAIN!!"

"But she's also incredibly gorgeous!" Sain piped up.

"No! SERRA... IS... IN... SAIN... As in, she's in Sain's body!! That's who she switched with!"

"I still don't get your point," Sain said.

"Lend me your sword, please," Ann muttered darkly. "So that I can swipe myself across the throat with it."

"Knock yourself out, my wonderful lady!" Sain (in Hector's body) sang.

"So if Serra's in Sain's body... Then we've solved everything, right?" Lyn said. "Besides where Hector is. But we can leave him. I'm sure he's having fun wherever he is."

* * *

"Stupid pansy," 'Eliwood' muttered. "Stupid pansy with a sword bigger than he is, an absolutely gorgeous girlfriend, and a compassionate nature! What's WRONG with him?! Why can't he be more MANLY?! Then, at least, he could get himself a GIRL besides Ninian!" Whacking off one attacking girl who threw herself at him with puckered lips with his sword absentmindedly, he growled, which came out and turned into a rainbow. "...You'd think being Eliwood would be more interesting. I swear."

"Eliwood!! Marry me!!" One girl squealed. "I love you!"

"Geez, woman! Will you shut up? I'm trying to figure out how to get a girlfriend!!"

And then, he saw him.

The father of flirting. The beginning of perverted beginnings.

Yes. It was

NILS!!

...No. Okay, it was Sain.

Unfortunately, Sain happened to be off at the moment, frolicking around in Hector's body. SOOO... We all know who Sain was.

"Sain! SAIN!"

Sain did not turn, instead sticking one finger up his nose.

"Hey! You!"

Finally, Sain's body turned around. Finger up its nose, armor off, hair... Dyed pink?

"Hiiiii, Lord Eliwood!"

"No, I am not Eliwood!" Hector yelled.

"Sureeee... Whatever you say." Smiling, 'Sain' took his finger out of his nose and flicked it.

Hector watched the huge glob fall on a bug, as it spontaneously combusted and, screaming, ran away.

"Hey. I'm trying to get a girlfriend. You're the king of flirting. You gotta help me!"

'Sain' raised an eyebrow. "You, Lord Eliwood? I thoughts that you liked Ninian."

"Well, I did. But really, I only act more like a pansy around her. He- I mean, I- start actually FEELING things, and hugging things. I need a solid, good woman! ...Yeah."

"How about Lucius?" 'Sain' suggested.

"Hmmm..." He thought. "...Nah. She's actually got EMOTIONS."

"Ohhhhhh," 'Sain' said. "Now I know what type of girl you want!!"

"Really? Do you know one like that?"

"Yes!" The green knight squealed girlishly. "However... If I help you, will you help me ROOLE TE WERLDD?!" Ominous music played as thunder boomed in the background.

"Wow, you really sounded like Serra there."

"I am," she stated plainly. "I'm just in Sain right now."

Hector laughed. "Wow, that was a good joke! Okay, c'mon! Show me this woman!"

* * *

Nergal was talking on his hot pink phone... Of doom, of course.

"What? No! That's ridiculous! There's no way that I-"

The phone let out a piercingly high shriek.

Limstella appeared. "...What died, my master?"

"Nothing," he muttered glumly, "Just my eardrum and my sense of pride."

"Shall I murder the person who did it?"

"...Not unless you want her to kill you first!" Wailing, he possessively latched onto Limstella. "I'm not letting her get her filthy hands on my precious baby! You're so defenseless and she's so evil!"

"Yes," Limstella said emotionlessly, her tome which had killed millions tucked under her arm.

And that's when the front door of... Well, wherever they were... burst open in a flash of pink... And green. Okay. Green.

"Honey, I'm HOOOOOMMMME!!" A voice screeched.

Nergal winced. Through the dust made of sugar, he could see...

Eliwood, sucking on a lollypop and looking unimpressed, and a green knight that was reaching amazingly high pitches with his male vocal chords.

Nergal frowned.

"Who the heck are you guys?"

The green knight frowned. "I just called you."

Nergal turned green. "In Elimine's name... You've gotten uglier than I remembered... Unless... How...?"

"I ate a marshmallow," 'Sain' said simply. "It wasn't very yummy."

("No wonder," muttered Roland. "That marshmallow was made before the Scouring."

Hanon shook his head. "Not rad. Not rad at all.")

"The Emo Preventer!!" Nergal gasped and swooned.

"Anyway, yeah," Serra-in-Sain said. "We're here to pick up Lord Eliwood's blind date." Nergal swooned.

"My BABBYYY!!"

* * *

"So, er..." Hector waved one hand before the woman's blank eyes. "...Do you like bowling?"

"I do not feel," Limstella stated.

"That's kind of... Weird..."

"I do not care."

"Okay, let's change the subject... Do you have any pets?"

"I had two dragons," Limstella stated. "Bozo and Funky."

"Oh, that's nice-"

"We tortured and killed one to get its quintessence. The other, it crossed us, and so we cut off its head. Then, we let it blee-"

Hector threw up into his expensive dinner.

"Interesting," Limstella said, giving the green stuff a poke. It hissed at her and swiped one tentacle towards her palm. "What is that?"

"It's my lunch," Hector moaned.

She frowned, staring at the plate. "No. It is your dinner."

"Not anymore."

"...Then may I have it?"

Hector hurled again.

* * *

When Elimine arrived home, she was in an incredibly foul mood. Not only had Greenland not been green AT ALL, she had Teh Strange Feling that something was incredibly wrong.

"Roland, Hanon, I'm ba-" There was a pause, as she watched an adorable kitten frolick by in the clouds. Elimine, beautiful goddess and woman wonder, bugged out her eyes.

"ROLAND, WHERE IS THE EMO PREVENTER MARSHMALLOW?!"

There was a scream that shook the heavens.

"ROLAND!!"

_A/N: YAAYYY, it's finally out!! WHOOOO!! I hope it's good... Hee... And not too confusing! What with all the body switching..._

_Aquatic Idealist- Hiya, welcome to da gang! You'll never get out... MWA HA HA HA HA!! Just kidding. Anyways, hiya! Thanks a lot for all the positive compliments! Hee, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!_

_Fire Emblem MewMew- I know, I know... I'm so sorry... It kind of just happens!! WAHAHHHHH!! Hee, thanks. Yeah, I liked that part... Though it kinda happened again here! Thanks for your review!_

_Dark Blaziken- Yep, Marcus in a pink dress!! Oh, Serra willl torture him some more... Later... MWA HA HA HA HA!! Poor Erk, he'll be deaf eventually... And then she can only torture him with her sight until he goes blind... That's true about the riling of everybody... Hmmm, I really should play on the whole Matthew revenge on Jaffar thing more... Yess... Anyway, thank you so much for your support and stuff!! _

_Hehhhh, yay reviewers! You all rock! And now, Serra won't kill you! ...Or maybe she will anyway. Anyways, see ya next time, and I hope you liked this chapter... Soo sorry for wait!!_


	17. Chapter 17

_A/N: Again, sorry about the long wait. Grrr... I WILL conquer my horrible procrastination!! Anyways, yes. Here we have yet another chapter of Serra's Ways. Hmm... I feel like I made Ann a jerk. Though she's very depressed right now. I bet you can guess why. ANYHOO! Please read, review, and enjoy! Yay!_

Serra's Ways

Ummm... 17?

Roland was afraid.

Very, very afraid.

Do you know how it feels when you are playing ball, and you smash a baseball through a window? You don't want to tell your mommy that you did it, but you want to do the right thing. Roland was having a very similar problem.

Except for, you know, the fact that his baseball was more of something like a ticking time bomb in marshmallow form just waiting to explode, and that his mommy was an insane goddess murderer woman with a chainsaw who really, really needed someone to take out her anger on.

Roland squeaked and began to pray like his life depended on it.

Then he realized that the person he was praying to was going to murder him.

Then he stopped praying, started screaming, and began running in circles.

Hanon, sitting on a log nearby, laughed his head off. "Saaaavveeee the whaaallllesss," he laughed.

"Saveeee meeeeee!" Roland screamed.

A shadow fell over Roland.

Or, well, maybe more like a HEAVENLY GLOW that resembled grace and goodness fell over Roland. But, that's just not as suspenseful.

He turned his head.

"ROOOOLAAAAANNNNNDDDDD!!"

* * *

Hector (in Eliwood's pansy body) was running away from the restaurant. And by running, I mean cutely jogging, and everywhere he stepped turned into marshmallows and hugs and kisses and ponies. Heck, people. How do you think he got that fairytale white pony of his OUT OF THIN AIR? No other class does that.

Although usually Eliwood, when safely in his girly, childish body, ignored how things magically turned into Barbies and such in his wake, Hector was having no such luck.

No, Hector DID NOT LIKE having a flying pony constantly around him whinnying, "Be my friend! We'll be friends forever!" So it was no wonder that through all the pink and the rainbows and the Bratz Dolls, Hector could not see one perfectly fitting in pink haired green knight galloping up to him on earlier mentioned blasted flying rainbow pony.

(S)he dropped in front of him, making a huffy face. "Lord Eliwood, we had an agreement! I get you a blind date, you get me a... Okay, well, you help me ROOLE TE WERLDD." (S)he smiled dreamily and sighed romantically before cackling maniacally and turning back to her/his plots.

"I didn't know you were going to get me a literally emotionless MORPH!" Hector yelled angrily, which came out as a squeak, which turned into a perfectly sparkling white mouse. He shooed it off his shoulder, then turned his attention back to Serra. "Besides, why would I help you ROOLE TE WERLDD?"

Serra gave him the hardest stare he had ever seen. Eliwood's body's eyeballs shrank away from the evil thing.

"...Because you PROMISED," she whined in a deep, manly voice.

"What's in it for me?" Hector questioned, holding out one manicured pale hand expectantly.

"If we ROOLE TE WERLDD" cackle cackle cackle "then you will be higher than even Lyn."

Hector's eyes bugged out as Eliwood's body looked like he was having a heart attack. A heart attack caused by being completely filled with water and then getting squeezed like a toy.

"Well, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?!" He yelled. The prancing flying rainbow pony above him whinnied.

"Let's go on an ADVENTURE!" It squealed.

Whooping, Hector (in Eliwood's body) hopped on its back, with Serra-in-Sain behind him, as the two rode off into the pink sunset, perfectly happy, theme music playing behind them, birds singing.

They were going to RULE THE WORLD WITH AN IRON FIST, CRUSH ANY DEMOCRACY THAT EVER EXISTED, DESTROY ELIMINE'S HEAVEN, AND PROCLAIM AN EVIL PINK HAIRED KNIGHT QUEEN/KING OF THE WHOLE OF ELIBE.

"Yayyyyyy," the flying rainbow pony squealed. "An ADVENTURE!"

* * *

"Hanon did it!!" Roland shrieked. "Hanon did it!"

Hanon fixed him with a careless look. "Not rad, dude."

Elimine was not so kind. "Roland, I will personally see to it that you will go to the same place Serra is going when she dies," she hissed.

Roland gasped. "But Hanon-"

"Poor little Hanon," Elimine cooed. "She wouldn't do a thing to harm anyone."

Roland blinked. "...She?"

Elimine, goddess of prosperity, loving, and forgiveness, literally made thunder boom in the background.

"Roland, Hanon is a GIRL."

Roland gaped. Roland gasped.

Hanon lifted up... her?!... armpits, which had enough hair to give to Locks of Love, smelled one, and grinned. "Mmmm, lice and sweat." A few clouds around their heavenly base turned a strange color of black.

"Innocent little girl Hanon wouldn't do a thing. She was too weak to stop you." Elimine clicked her tongue.

"But-but-"

Hanon just shook her head, her long, stringy hair about her. "Dude. I'm a DUDETTE. Get over it, and save the whales."

Roland died.

* * *

"This is a horrible predicament," Ann said. "We are unable to locate Sain's body, therefore we are unable to locate Serra. That fool pink-haired girl!" She frowned.

Rebecca, sitting nearby, heard Serra, apparently belating herself.

"Oh, Serra, dearie. It doesn't have to be that way. You can happily live a good life, with lots of expensive medication and useless therapy. Let me help you."

Ann glared. "Rebecca. Please. I am in need of sane company, directed company." Hector, happily kissing his bicep and winking at a terrified Florina, Lyn, thwacking her sword impatiently and obliviously against her now bleeding leg, Matthew, mimicking every word that Serra said, and a ballet dancing Marcus in the background, turned to look at her and nod knowingly.  
Rebecca smiled like Ann had just complimented her skirt, winked, and flounced back to where Wil was sitting. They proceeded to grin at each other, then play Patty Cake and congratulate each other on a very happy Un-Birthday that day.

"All right," Ann said determinedly, which made Serra's face look like she had swallowed a lemon, whole, "Onwards. To find Eliwood's body and-"

There was a scream as Ann's actual body burst from a tent.

"No slumber party," she sobbed. "No slumber party and painting nails and gossiping!" A very confused Nino approached her.

"But ANN... Every girl in the camp should be here to have fun at the-"

Ann's body whipped around, glaring. Then she gasped, fell to her knees, and began to apologize. Again. Again. Again.

"Elimine, it's LUCIUS," Ann gasped. "I'd recognize such gullible and kind ways ANYWHERE."

Jaffar, his bandana removed and his hair gelled down, so that it came in two straight waves down the sides of his face, emerged from the tent. His pink dress sparkled in the sun. His face... Okay, his face made the whole thing look like some woman who had just found out that her boyfriend was breaking up with her. That is, if said woman had daggers and insane assassination skills. In which case, her boyfriend wouldn't have enough time left to pray, much less defend himself.

"Lucius!" Ann, as Serra, gave a curt wave.

Lucius, in the body of Ann, had his head wrenched around painfully to stare with puppy dog eyes at the person who had called him by his true name. He outstretched his arms, smiling like a dope, then proceeded to run slow-mo across the camp towards her.

Lucius was so very happy. Surely, even though it was Serra, she would see that he was not in fact a girl, that something was terribly wrong, that-

Ann winced and began to gag.

"Gaaahhhhh, never mind. I can't stand Lucius anyway. Let her- I mean, him- ah, wait, is it a-" She just stopped, brought out her incredible whacking stick of the tactician, and delivered Lucius/Ann a sound blow to his head.

"Woooaaah," Matthew said. "You GOTTA let me try that sometime." Ann shot him a dirty look.

Ann inspected her staff, wondering about the cracking noise she had heard before.

"Don't worry," Lucius moaned from the ground. "...It's okay. The cracking noise was just my skull. Not your stick. Please forgive... me..." Suffering from severe head trauma, the apologizing Lucius collapsed once more. Sain, in Hector's body, was strutting all around, murmuring about being "too sexy for his shirt", at which he tried to take off his shirt, not succeeding because Hector wore incredibly heavy armor.

After stepping on the fallen body about 3 times, he noticed that the rest of his group was gone.

"Ohhh, noes!" He yelled. "Wondrous ladies! I know that my presence, my glorious muscles and charm must be hard for you to handle! But do not leave me alone, for I need your radiance so!" He scribbled that last comment down on his "romantic sayings" list before continuing on.

* * *

Ninian was oh-so tired. And oh-so confused.

Her bestest friend, her cutesy loving lord, was GONE.

Off to find a new GIRLFRIEND.

She was sobbing off in her own little corner, flinging herself at random passerby and sniffling into their skirts or pants for a little while before going back.

Whatever was she going to do? The world had DESERTED her.

Oh, the horror! The pain! She wanted to cry. She wanted to... She wanted to...

"Ninian," a tired, blatantly obvious voice stated. "Get up, dry your red eyes-" Ninian's ruby eyes looked up at her. "-Literally. And get out of that sad little corner. The world is not ending."

"See," the pink-haired knight in green said. "This is how the world will end. And how I will rule it." He let out a squeal, delightedly clapping his/her hands. "Ohhh, destroying everything will be so pretty and FUN!"

"Umm, yeah," Eliwood (kinda) said, sucking on his lollipop. "Just get on to the whole 'Lyn falling to her knees and begging for help' part. Ooooh, or the 'Eliwood goes macho and fights sharks' part."

"Serra?" Ninian whimpered.

"Yes?" Ann sighed.

"What are you and the Lady Lyndis and Lord Hector doing here?"

"We're off to find Eliwood's body," Lyn said cheerily from behind her.

"That's right," Ann said. "Now, we're off. Try not to be so depressed, Ninian. Strange things happen when people get depressed." She glared at the sky.

Ninian watched them ride off (okay, watching them trip, skip, strut, die, and stumble off).

Ninian's lip stuck out.

"M-my Eliwood is DEAD?!" She wailed. "NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!"

* * *

"The only problem with this plan is that," Serra/Sain muttered, looking at her blueprint of a smiley face with a crown on it, "I need a mass murdering machine with a hate of the world."

"Hey, I know where we could get one of those!" Hector/Eliwood said. "Serra is one of-" He stopped, froze, and looked afraid.

VERY AFRAID.

"The most beautiful women ever!" Serra finished obliviously, then continued on. "I was thinking of perhaps Barney, or Spongebob, or that little kitty I saw prancing about earlier with the box around its neck."

Hector shook his head. "They're all pretty dangerous, but they're not mad at the world..."

* * *

Ninian sobbed and sobbed. Her heart was going to rip in two... It was going to be thrown in a high school locker, hung on a flagpole by its underpants, get murdered on prom night when she had nobody to go with...

She wiped her tears away with her tail.

Standing up, she gracefully walked (here meaning "thumped depressingly on huge feet") to the forest, to kill herself in a well of pity.

(In an empty heaven, where elevator music played, an emo button on the wall wailed and wailed.  
Finally, a big man looking like Bartre walked in, slammed it with an axe, and declared it "Foxed". Because he was "smart good guy that I help peeple do good stuff cuz I good boy".)

* * *

"I seriously just need a huge emo evil thing!" Serra exclaimed. A dragon head, that of a weeping ice dragon, passed by the outer window. The light reflected off her scales and in, and Serra shielded her eyes, mumbling about "stupid glare off window".

"I know, I know," Hector muttered, drumming his fingers on the table.

A roar, one of pain and suffering, sounded throughout the castle, shaking it.

"But where could I find such a thing? And how would I have influence over it?"

Eliwood's body, unaware of a thing or the weeping dragon, lamenting over him, smashing tiny villages and villagers outside, shrugged.

"We'll figure something out."

Ice spread over the countryside as the moaning ice dragon, full of pain at her lost love, denied cruelly to her, destroyed everything in sight.

"Yep," Serra said, as the building crumbled away around her, revealing an ice dragon that was a hundred feet tall looming in front of her very eyes.

"We'll figure out something."

* * *

"Okay, I've got Eliwood's body located," Ann said.

Lyn glanced around. "Do you see him?"

Sain/Hector laughed. "Oh, yes! Look at my body!"

"Somebody smack Hec- I mean, Sain," Ann muttered. "And no, I don't see Eliwood. I just see-"

"SAINT ELIMINE!!" Matthew, stumbling out from behind a rock, was covered in ribbons and bows. Behind him, a huge rainbow path led away. Pink clouds with happy faces danced overhead.

"...Signs that he's been here." Whacking off a flying pony with her tactician stick, she began hacking her way through the vast jungle of girly, babyish things.

After a few hours, and encountering several annoying obstacles (Some brunette girl who wouldn't stop speaking Spanish and pointing at them, along with a monkey who just annoyingly repeated the girl. Also, some blonde girl who followed them and asked them if they were her "fairy godmothers". Sain tried to hit on her), they made it through.

Shaking out her now sparkly hair, Ann huffed and whacked Sain above the head, for good measure.

"That was difficult! But not for my awesome body!" Sain cooed. "My dear Serra, you look-"

"OMG, INBD!" Ann shrieked happily, before shaking the last of the girliness from her system. Marcus, unaffected besides his pink tutu now being sparklier and fluffier, danced past her.

"Onward!" He squealed.

They say that at the end of every rainbow there's a pot of gold. Unfortunately, at the end of this rainbow, all they found was a destroyed town.

"Like, whoa," Ann began. "I mean, what could have happened to provoke this disaster?"

"I think I've found our answer," Marcus said gravely, pointing to a woman running along the street, screaming. "...That woman... Just look at her clothes. She's a fashion disaster! This'll never work!" He began sobbing into his sleeve.

"Are you sure MARCUS isn't Serra?" Lyn asked Ann.

"Affirmative," Ann replied. "He always acts that way."

"...Oh. Well, if he keeps acting like that, he might rub off on Eliwood. And we don't want that happening."

* * *

"I'M A GIRL!!" One now blonde-haired... girl...? Wailed.

"Lucius, of course you're a girl," said a passing by Nino.

"No I'm not!" Eliwood/Lucius began to cry. "...I'm male. And you should be able to tell!"

"Yeah. Um... Soooo... You wanna come to our sleepover? We're gonna paint nails and do hair."

"OMG, YES!" Eliwood shrieked, bobbing his head up and down. "That will be SOOO awesome! I wanna braid Ninian's hair!"

"Ohhh, yeah!" Nino exclaimed. "Will you ask her if she wants to come? I haven't asked her yet. She looked so sad, too... I think a sleepover would cheer her up."

Eliwood's heart (okay, it's Lucius's, but we don't care) just STOPPED.

"Ninian is UNHAPPY?"

"Yeah. She was crying and wailing about Lord Eliwood leaving her."

"Oh, that's good," Eliwood said happily.

"No, it's not," Nino said, confused.

"She can't be sad," Eliwood cheered, "Because I haven't broken up with her! So, she's got no reason to be sad."

"Yeah!" Nino agreed happily. "After all, it's not like evil guys are constantly chasing her and she broke a sacred law of hers and put her precious brother in danger! Or that her lover killed her with his own hands!"

They both nodded.

"...Really, what does Ninian have to be sad about?"

* * *

"Oh, quit your whining," Serra/Sain huffed. "Geez, you'd think that we WEREN'T helping you get revenge and were instead trying to rule the world by using you."

"I-I'm sorry," Ninian hiccuped, making the earth shake with her huge dragon body. "I'm just... So... happy! Lord Eliwood isn't dead!"

She tried to hug Eliwood's body again, but Hector pushed her back.

"Get AWAY from me, woman!" He hollered. A chipmunk responded to his high voice and squeaking, thinking he had asked for a nut.

"I love you toooooooo!!" Ninian wailed.

"Blah, blah!" Serra interrupted. "Let's just go wreck a town!"

"B-but why?"

"Because... um... Lord Eliwood... Asked you to...?"

"OW!" Hector hissed. "Why did you step on my- I mean, um, yeah. Let's go destroy a town to... Um... Prove our eternal love?"

"Wrecking things and other people's lives ALWAYS improves my relationships!" Serra cheered. "Surely, yours will get pretty too!"

"I'm still not really sure-" Ninian began.

"Fantastic!" Hector clapped her on the back with one gloved hand, making sure her girlish ways didn't affect him. "Then let's go blow up the earth!"

* * *

"We've been searching for DAYS," Sain/Hector moaned, "And we still haven't found a trace of Serra in my (totally awesome and lady-loving) body, or of Lord Eliwood's body." He huffed, then whacked away a rainbow that was dancing and singing dangerously close to him. "...If I wasn't so worried about dear Serra's wellbeing, then I wouldn't go on this mission at all!"

"Sain, she's in YOUR body."

"I know! Aren't I so selfless?"

"Naturally, Sain," Ann muttered. "Naturally."

"And actually, Sain," Rebecca piped up, coming out of nowhere, "You've been searching for about an hour." She eyed him. "...Do you have a problem?"

"No," Ann growled, "We just have an archer, which is approximately the same thing. Please, Rebecca. We're trying to locate Lord Eliwood and Sain."

"Oh, they're with Ninian," Rebecca said happily.

"With Ninian? Why?"

Rebecca shrugged. "I dunno... I guess they're using her to, you know, destroy our camp and kill everyone. But that's no biggie."

Ann choked on a nearby bug, then actually choked. "...But... Why...?" (Hack, hack, hack, cough cough cough)

"Because Lord Eliwood wants her to!"

"We are SO returning," Ann said, her eyes narrowing. "I have a feeling that Serra is making use of her newfound body." She paused. "...But who the heck is occupying Lord Eliwood?!"

* * *

"YEEEEEESSSSHHHHH!!" Hector yelled. "FEAR MEEE!!" He was standing atop a barrel, surrounded by girls.

"So glad you could come with us, Lord Eliwood!" Nino squealed. "We're about to do our hair! Ninian told us you're a really good hairstylist and manicurist and everything!"

"NOOOO!!" Hector bellowed. "I AM MANLY!"

Nino stood up, frowning. She smiled down at him.

DOWN. Because even though he was standing on a barrel, she was taller than him by about two inches. "...Did Mister Eliwood wake up on the wrong side of the uncomfortable tent cot? ...Which means either side. Or even the middle."

"NO! Now, tell me where Lyn is! I want to wave all this in front of her! My awesomeness and Eliwood's manliness and his newfound coolness!"

Nino's bottom lip stuck out. "...BUT MISTER ELIWOOD, WE NEED YOU!"

A pink shimmering shadow rose from behind him.

...Jaffar, the ominous, horrible, terrible... TUTU WEARING ASSASSIN!

Hector shrieked. "GAH! I'll stay!"

* * *

Eliwood was actually having some fun. He had pretty, long hair now. And it was nice having guys smile at him all the time, instead of giving him a weird look and then going off to hurl in a trash can.

Yes, he was VERY happy. And he was about to go to a sleepover!

...But then again, there was a huge ice dragon in front of the tent, so maybe he should just wait.

She gave him a huge roar.

He looked up at her.

She looked down at him.

...It was a long way down.

And then, Eliwood realized.

"Ninian?!" He squealed.

She froze.

Okay, well, she froze the tent BEHIND Eliwood in a big sheet of ice.

Her dragon eyes looked down upon him, full of sadness and sorrow still at the lack of interest from her beloved Eliwood. Whom she didn't know stood in front of her very eyes.  
But there was a slight smile... A tear from her weary eye... A happily thought _'Thank you, Elimine...'_ And a flicker of recognition from her...

Oh, yes, and a flick of her tail sent poor Eliwood/Lucius flying back by several hundred feet.

'_...For giving me a gullible, sweet person that I can beat up on... I seriously need a punching bag.'_

* * *

"MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!" Serra laughed. People bowed before her... People wept before her...

People were having a Truth or Dare contest.

"GAH! Bow down to me!"

"It's no use," wailed a redheaded girl from the back of the tent, who had her nails painted a bright pink and was wearing a pretty sequined purple dress, looking suspiciously like Eliwood. "They're women! They won't move until they're done!"

"Well, I'm done with waiting!" Serra huffed. "They're gonna obey me NOWWW! Or face Ninian!"

The pink-haired green knight's body ran outside, waving for the dragon.

"Ninian! Help me! Or face my wrath!!"

The incredibly large dragon, with intense and amazing powers, looked afraid.

"Yes, Mr. Sain!" She wailed.

* * *

When Ann and the rest arrived, it was too late. A defeated army sat before them, with Sain and Eliwood sitting atop an icy blue dragon, who was whacking her tail happily against the nearby forest.

"Elimine," Matthew muttered. "She's really done it this time."

The three Pegasus sisters, escaping, flew towards them, screaming.

"Yes," Sain/Hector said happily, opening his arms. "Come to your beloved Sain."

All three ignored him, instead trying to come down and land.

"Ann, p-please! A dragon is destroying everything! And Sain and L-Lord Eliwood are with it!" Florina screamed, before landing in a pile with her sisters. Underneath them, somebody in blue (who should have been in green) managed a muffled, "See, they can't get enough of me."

Farina began to cry.

"Are you hurt?" Lyn asked.

"Nooooo!! I left my m-money in the tent!!" She wailed. "It's surely... DEAD BY NOW!! Oh, my precious money! Fate is cruel!!"

"Of course," Ann muttered.

But looking at the scene before them, she couldn't help but feeling desperate.

Sain and Eliwood, or should I say, Serra and Hector, were both sitting atop Ninian's back, laughing maniacally. Or, well, Eliwood/Hector was giggling in a kind of mean way. And Sain was "Tee hee"ing his heart out.

"We're all doomed. Look, even Jaffar can't stand against somebody so amazing!"

"Not even Elimine could stop her!!" Lyn murmured fearfully.

"Or the writer." A brown haired girl popped up. "I mean, seriously! It's, like, a writer's block. But it's a writer's dragon." She studied Ninian. "...And she's gained some pounds. Ahem. Well! Time for a major plot twist!"

Ann gave her a glare. "...YOU!"

Kiaya blinked. "Ooops. Um... Yeah. I'm just gonna go type now."

Before Ann could let out a single Italian yell, she was gone.

And so was everything that had hardly begun to make sense.

"Whooaahhh..." Hector stumbled from beneath the pile of pegasi. "I feel... Not so pansy anymore..."

He stood, and then collapsed. "Pansy... Ways... Rubbing off!!" Screaming, he ran away (or kind of plodded).

"NOOOOOOO my PLAAANNNNN!!" Serra wailed. "It's ALL GONNNNEEEEE!!"

Lyn waved a hand in front of her eyes. "...Ann?"

"No! Do I look like a toad in a cloak that knows that two plus two equals five? I'm Serra," the pink haired cleric huffed.

Lyn looked over to where Eliwood was hugging the head beneath him, cooing something about "shiny scales and Ninian! Let's go shopping!" And Lucius was running around happily, glad to be in a body that just looked like a girl, instead of being one, apologizing to anyone he got ten feet from.

Ann was happily clutching her head, breathing in relief about her "returned intelligence" and her "creases and wrinkles on my gray matter! They are instilled in me once more!!".

"Everything seems normal," Lyn said, confused. "What happened?"

"HA! There! I told you all it took was an M&M!!" Elimine was very happy. "Roland, look! We've corrected your mistake!"

Roland whimpered. "But I took the M&M to the people on top of the dragon! And the dragon STEPPED on me!"

"She was just telling you what she thought of you," Elimine cheerily responded.

"Yeah," Roland pouted, "By putting all of her bazillion pounds on top of me!"

There was a gasp as every girl in the entire world pounced upon him, then promptly MURDERED him.

"Never mention a lady's weight!" Elimine said joyfully. "Now, my dear Roland... What sort of punishment shall I make for you, for letting Serra run amuck in a womanizer's body?"

"Umm..."

"How about you make him save the whales!" Hanon volunteered.

"Oh, noooo," Elimine cackled. Her cackle shook the very heavens which were her realm. It was an evil cackle; that of an evil good girl!!

...Yeah.

"I have something FAR worse planned!!"

When Sain woke up, he was no longer in his hot lord body. He was very upset about this. Because ladies liked a guy with biceps on his triceps on his quadraceps.

"WHYYYY MEEE??" He wailed.

Then he realized where he was.

He was standing in the entrance of a pink tent, holding a lance that was colored pink. His hair, too, his beautiful locks which women loved (he KNEW they loved it, though they had never told him), was colored a shocking pink hue.

Now, normally, Sain would have been very upset about this. But the fact was, he was in a tent of girls, girls with makeup on and finger nail polish.

HE WAS AT A SLEEPOVER.

And all the girls were looking at him in such awe (or fear)...

"Please!" Louise exclaimed. "Spare us!!"

"Huh what?" Okay, so, he WAS pointing his pink lance at them. And he could see that a huge dragon was behind him (although she was preoccupied with sharing hugs and bonbons with a certain lord).

"You were going to kill us!!" Rebecca piped up helpfully. "Remember?"

Sain raised one hand dramatically to his swelled head. "How could I ever harm a lady?! For they are wonderful, beautiful creatures whom-"

"YAYYYY!!" Nino cheered. "REGULAR WOMANIZER SAIN IS BACK!"

A cheer rose. "WE LOVE SAIN!! WE LOVE SAIN!!"

And for the first time in his life, Sain was pulled into a group hug by beautiful women WITHOUT begging them for pity first (and voluntarily on their part!).

"Ohhhh, yeah," he smiled. "The ladies love me."

* * *

_A/N: Okay, talky time! I hope everybody liked it. It's decently long, huh? Right? RIGHT?_

_unsmiley- Okay, yeah, I didn't know. I read several people portraying her as a woman... But then I played through Eliwood's game again and they called Hanon a "he". But, I fixed that problem!! Thank you for pointing out my mistake. Do that anytime I need it! Anyways, I hope you liked this. WHOOOO!! Thanks for reviewing! ...Gangsta Canas!_

_An Ordinary Fan- Heee, thanks a bunch. Lots of kind words make me very happy!! And I value your personal opinion!! So yay! Anyways, yes, I do love my imagination, though sometimes it's way too weird for even me! And I liked how you gave all my different stories titles... I especially like The Erk Assassination Saga and Canas the British Madman... They're good!! And funny... I never thought of Canas as a British madman... Though I guess I wrote him that way... Yep, Eliwood did end up in Lucius' body. I took care of that, because I kinda forgot about poor little Eliwood! Gosh, I love working with him. Ahem. Anyway, thank you very much for waiting patiently, because I did take a while... I hope you enjoyed it!! Thanks for reviewing!_

_Crazy Bananas- Yep, it's Italian. I dunno why... Just a random idea. She doesn't do it so much in my later chapters. I was just trying to emphasize her smartness. Hee! Welcome! And no, it's not a place... I'm just having her speak it. BECAUSE I CAN!! Anyways, yep, thank you for reviewing! I'm glad you like it!_

_...- Thanks for pointing that out. I did fix it, see! ...Kinda. Anyways, thank you!! Yeah, sometimes I do make them very OOC... Hee, that's just me. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and enjoying!_

_Dark Blaziken- Ohhh, my gosh! I saw that too! Hee... I like the way I portrayed Limstella! I must get Nergal and his lackeys in more! Yay, I abused Matt in this chapter! He talks some, though. Sorry I didn't get this out until summer... Hopefully, your tests and stuff weren't too hard! I bet you did well. Lucius gets a bit less emo... But yes, I think I'd be emo if I looked like the opposite gender. ...Oh, wait. I do. Ahem. Is Guy good? I just want to know. I've never used him before! Anyways, thank you for reviewing and reading! I'm glad I could make you laugh! Hee!_

_Aquatic Idealist- Rath. Oh, my gosh. I've completely ignored him. I must torture him. And soon. But that's a funny image!! I hope you liked this chapter!!_

_Fire Emblem MewMew- Ummm... I'm sorry... I got it out kinda late... Last chapter, school was still in!! Eliwood is in Lucius' body. I hope that ties everything up!! Thank you for reading and reviewing and complimenting! Hee!_

_Yep... Hopefully, with all the body-switching, nobody got confused over names or who was who. Generally, I listed the people as who they actually were, not whose body they were in. Occasionally I did a Hector/Eliwood thing. Please tell me if it was weird!! But thank you ALL for reading and reviewing and generally just being nice! Hugs to you all!! And may Serra never catch you or rule you._


	18. Chapter 18

_A/N: Yeah, I know! I've been gone for forever! But before you kill me, just know that school started, and I've officially had no free time for the past two months or whatever however long it took me. I'm really, really sorry. I suck! I'd let Serra kill me, but that would be too cruel. Not much more to say. But again, I'm really, really sorry. I know I've been totally ignoring all my stories. Please forgive me! And enjoy this incredibly late installment of Serra's Ways. Oh, and for the Rath lovers. Yeah, I finally wrote about him. Grrr._

Rath's Super-Cool Punk Ways

18?

Rath sat off by himself in a little corner, looking awesomely cool and randomly shooting bandits off hot Sacaean girls. Cuz that's what Rath does.

...Ahem. But anyway, Rath was looking cool and flipping his hair and trying not to care about anything when suddenly...

He had a flashback.

_"No matter how hopeless... Promise me now, Rose. Never let go of that promise... Never let go..." Both shivering people clasped each other's hands as the hotter and the guy of the two barely stayed afloat.  
_

_"I'll never let go, Rath. I'll never let go!!!"  
_

_Rath kissed her hand and Celine Dion music started playing_

...Umm, wrong flashback. ...Wrong imagined flashback.

_"You foo' son!!" A guy with a bandanna and bling-bling on crossed his arms and did some gangsta sign. "You just a curse!! Yo cussin (censored) self!! Ugly oracle chick done #&# SAY SO!!!"  
_

_"But daddy!!" A miraculously cute child waved his arms around. "I love you!! I wanna stay with you guys!"  
_

_"Get outta mah zone, punk!!" He motioned to the guys around him. "You don't get yo sorry self outta here, we gonna $*&^% and *&%$ you so #*%& hard!!!" The others nodded and looked gangsta too. _

_"Let's stomp the yard!!" He roared.  
_

_They began complicated breakdancing moves as mini-Rath began to sniffle. Finally, he turned around and just sadly walked away.  
_

_And the others continued break dancing until they finally noticed their "opponent" was gone.  
_

_"You just got served," the original bandanna guy said in a deep and masculine voice.  
_

_Rath was already precisely 20 miles away. ...Poor kid had already had six days to walk._

Rath began a depressed sniffle. Remembering those days with his punk father made him oh so sad. After all, you can't stomp the yard all on your own... In the wilderness... Well, except for that Rath had several horse and bobcat friends that would stomp with him and sometimes share hairstyling advice. Yes, Rath was getting very depressed and very involved in the moment, which was weird for Rath, when he realized.

He was gaining a personality.

And the author was writing about him.

If it had been any other world, it would have exploded by the amazing improbability-ness of it all, considering the authoress didn't like Rath and that she basically ruled everything with an iron (or candy covered, or drawn on, or smiled at, or recently high-fived!!! OMG!!) fist. And that Rath was Rath, and Rath didn't do the whole emotion thing.

But this world, unfortunately, had Serra in it (and hadn't blown up yet). And this world, unfortunately, was quite used to people sticking their nose in and messing up the laws of nature. So, the sun kept shining, the emo cloud above Lucius's head kept raining, and Elimine kept whipping Roland with a piece of Laffy Taffy and a cake made by her mother-in law.

But despite the fact that he should have grown up with no education, Rath wasn't stupid. So he knew exactly who to go to when your emotional problems got to big for you to handle...

* * *

"And now we're back to Dr. Phil!!"

Rath entered the tent, wondering what the ominous music in the background was all about. And why a shiny screen with an enthusiastic guy was sitting there on a table.

But anyway.

If Rath had been anybody else, he would have been scared. But Rath was Rath, and he was hot, and he was silently cool.

So, Rath stopped himself from squealing over the cuteness of a pink lamp in the corner, and wondered exactly why he was in here. Oh, that's right. He was gaining a personality.

"Ohhmmmmmm..." He saw a lady with a pink turban sitting on a mat.

"Serra," he stated plainly. Cuz you know, Rath talks just about as much as Jaffar with laringitis. "Help Rath. Now."

The lady peeked one meditating eye open. "I am looking through the totally awesome mysteries of the universe... And thinking about how I could rule them all... Ahem. Er, what?"

"Rath doesn't want..." He grimaced. "Personality."

His voice began to crack from lack of use. Surprisingly, Jaffar never had the same problem, but then again, Jaffar's different, cuz Jaffar is an ASSASSIN.

And Rath's a violent Cupid who rides around on a really cute pony. Wow, Rath. Wow.

Serra grinned and started a girlish squeal, which would have made anybody lower on the coolness factor than Rath cover their ears in agony. Rath had to settle with blowing his hair out of his eyes. "You have come to the right place!! Now, I just need to get a quick call to Nergal, and Ephidel can give you lessons in having no-"

Rath cocked an arrow. "No Ephidel."

Serra frowned as Rath shot the cockroach from the wall with his arrow. It died, then was immediately rebirthed and multiplied by six.

"But why nawwwtttt?"

"Rath no want others in on secret."

"Awwww, c'mon," Serra whined. "It's not like he'll tell the whole world... He'll just tell Nergal... Who'll eventually use it against you to take over the world..."

Rath shook his head.

"Fine, fine. You can come back to see the totally wonderful me in... Ummm... An hour."

"Why?"

"Because I have to... Cuz I need to... Umm... Uhh... Urgg... Read up on Elimine's religious stuff!!"

Rath, ignoring the fact that Serra couldn't read and that Serra had also never even looked at a book of Elimine, nodded gruffly and then coolly walked out.

* * *

Rath was about to begin stomping the yard and twirling around on his head when he spotted her.

Sparkles flew about her as she walked. Hearts of love blossomed from her ruby lips. She swung her hips naively as she walked, smiling gently at anyone nearby, her long hair flowing behind her...

Rath blinked, shuddered, shook his head, and stopped staring at Lucius. Then, he focused on the even more amazing HER.

Currently, Lyndis, the beautiful and intelligent Princess of Sacae and Caelin, was screaming her head off at the lord beside her while picking her nose in an imitation of Eliwood, then scratching her butt in an imitation of Hector, while she drooled.

Hector stuck a lollipop in his mouth and sassily responded, to which she mauled him.

Rath's heart beat faster as she repeatedly kicked the flat on the floor Hector. She truly was beautiful while she beat the heck out of a man. How could anyone NOT love her (and continue loving her forever faithfully, fearing her wrath at being cheated on)?

Rath grinned dreamily, forgetting that he was too cool to be dreaming. He turned around and wobbled back into the tent, little hearts floating around his bandanna. Outside, Lyn repeatedly smacked Hector upside the head.

There was a scream. A long, girly scream.

Rath stopped listening to Lord Eliwood and concentrated on teh terror in front of him, mouth agape, ready to start screaming himself.

Serra kneeled there before him, praying.

As if that sight weren't terrifying and mind-blowing enough, there was a huge statue. Of Erk. Made out of gum. Wavy purple strands of hair were stuck together to make a piece of rope, surrounding Gum Erk and tying him to a chair made out of tome ashes.

If Rath had been Matthew, he would have started laughing his head off before slowly backing out of the tent. But Rath was WAY cooler than Matthew.

So he opened his mouth and let out a girly scream as he threw himself to the ground, covering his eyes and squealing.

* * *

"Hey," said Elimine to her foot rest, "Did you hear something?"

"No," moaned the injured foot rest. "Hanon wouldn't stop talking about whales. Now my ears bleeeeed..."

"Oh, so that's what it was! I thought your HEAD was bleeding."

"My head's bleeding too," the foot rest whimpered. "You whacked me with a huge boulder, remember?"

"Gasp! How rude! That was my mother-in-law's fruitcake!" Snorting, the queen of heaven delivered a sharp kick to the poor foot rest, then continued to stuff her mouth (and by stuff I mean oh so gracefully and heavenly-like eating) with popcorn.

* * *

Serra whirled around.

"YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed.

Rath hoped that his death would be merciful and not be of bleeding ears. The terrifying woman in front of him was already wailing like a fire truck with speakers... Whatever those were.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!!!?!?!"

Rath winced as things died and little children cried.

"Don't threaten me!!!!" She screeched incredibly loudly after Rath's silence. "I KNOW THAT I'M OBSESSED WITH ERK!!!! SO DON'T LET THE REST OF THE CAMP KNOW!!!!"

Echoes sounded throughout camp. "GOT IT?!?!

* * *

Deep under the earth, in a creepy place

Bramimond was being all totally dark and stuff, so he/she/it would be just like the darkness. Cuz he/she/it was surrounded by darkness. He/she/it just wanted to fit in!!!

All of a sudden, he/she/it heard a voice. Yesh!! Someone he/she/it could be a wannabe of!!

The voice was extremely loud. And annoying.

Bramimond giggled, fluffed his/her/it's pink sparkly skirt, then waved his/her/it's staff. A maniacal grin spread upon his face.

"ROOLE TE WERLDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

"NOBODY HEARD THAT, RIGHT?!" Serra yelled as the whole of the ignorant camp ignored her.

Rath gulped.

She glared at him.

"Walk with me, Rath," she said sweetly.

She locked an arm around his shoulder and yanked him outside.

"You don't tell anybody about this," she said, eye twitching, "And I'll get you... Um... Anything you want. You want my love, right? RIGHT?"

Rath wasn't looking at her. He was looking at the beautiful, wonderful, amazing woman currently strangling one blue haired and now also blue lord.

Serra waved a hand in front of him. "...Are you hungry or something? You're drooling." Gobs of spit fell off his chin. "Raaattthhhhh... Oh, poor boy. He's shocked by my totally amazing mind-reading powers! Just like everybody else in camp!" She nodded. "...Isn't it so cute how they all love me?"

Somewhere very, very close by, an entire group of people in a tent were plotting to destroy Serra. ...Again.

* * *

"We need to get some dirt on her," said a smirking dude in a red cape.

"Yeah! If we smear dirt on her outfit, then she'll lose her powers of evilness!!! ...Oh, wait... That doesn't work..."

"Allow me to clarify," said one red-haired smarty-pants. "By the barbaric phrase 'dirt on her', our dear thief (actually not so dear. Give me back my maps, NOW!) Matthew is attempting to tell us that we need information on her that could injure her personally."

"My head hurrtsss," Eliwood whimpered. "...Hey! Why don't we just find something that makes her frown not turn upside down!"

"I agree with Eliwood," moaned a blue punching bag that just got flung through the door. "Even though he desperately needs to stop being a sissy."

"I agree too!" Chirped the now-in-the-tent lady. "...Now, Ann, what were you trying to say?"

Ann sighed.

A purple haired mage stuck his head in the tent. "Excuse me... Does anyone know where Serra is?"

"Are you trying to find her? That's sweet," said Marcus dreamily.

"Heck no," said Erk, "I'm trying to find out where she is and then run screaming in the opposite direction."

"Oh. Have fun."

* * *

Rath was feeling pretty good. Besides the terribly ugly thing beside him that was screeching away, he had just witnessed the love of his non-existent life beat the crap out of an innocent dude.

Oh. The thing beside him was trying to form... Words.

"Alright, you Sacaean loser, let's start with your proving of your love for me-"

Rath stopped cold. Flipping his green hair, he ignored the vicious comment about his race and instead concentrated on the much scarier subject.

"Rath WHAT?! Rath don'o like you, chick!"

"Silly gangster. Of course you do!" Serra sighed. Gangsters always went into denial. Okay, usually not about love, usually about murdering someone, but in Serra's mind, those two were the same thing.

Out of a nearby tent, one purple haired mage dashed out like he was being chased by the devil. Which, as soon as Serra took a step towards him, he was.

"ERRRRRRKKKKYYYYYYYY!!!!"

The loud scream made the apocalypse look appealing.

Erk winced, but only for a second.

Then, he ran faster.

Serra shrugged. "I guess he didn't hear me. Poor boy is deaf and blind to his love..."

"Or just deaf," Rath muttered, wishing the screaming pink creature would shut up. "But you like him, right?"

Serra, a girl who had repeatedly tried to take over the world, who made Nergal look about as dangerous as a plushie (plushie!), whose incredible evilness made even Elimine afraid of her sometimes, who made the earth tremble with every powerful burst of her lungs, threw herself to the feet of Rath, crying hysterically.

"DON'T TELLLLLLLLLLLL HIMMMMMMM!!!"

"Rath wishes he were deaf too, punk," Rath muttered.

"I'll do whatever you want!" Serra sniffled. "Just don't tell Erky, okay? He would be so overcome with love that he might hurt himself."

...Or commit suicide rather than deal with her.

"Serra cares?" Rath said, stunned. "Foshizzle."

Was it true? Did Serra, for once in her insane life, actually care for someone? Below that hurt exterior, was she a soft, sensitive little orphan girl?

"Heck no," Serra said cheerfully, "I just like seeing that angry glare on his face and hearing his screams of pain when I tie him to a highchair."

"Rath not gonna ask, dawg," he said, looking cool again.

"So... You won't tell Erky that I stalk him? And that I created a masterpiece out of gum he chewed? And that that one time he woke up bald wasn't actually because of Lowen?"

"All right," Rath agreed, looking Sacaean cool. "But... Shizzle, what do I get?"

"Huh? Oh, you mean as payment for not telling? How about I give you a kiss and-"

Rath would have screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" but he couldn't, cuz he was too cool. So instead, he had to settle for mouthing "help me" to a passing Rebecca.

BIIIIIIIGGGGG mistake there.

Seven hours later, after a painful therapist talk with Rebecca about his numerous problems, delving into his childhood, Rath was free.

"...Rath doesn't want that."

Serra gaped. "You don't? Why noooot?!"

"Rath wants..." He looked around.

A better, kinder person with his power would have maybe said, "World peace" or perhaps "Let's play the quiet game", thereby saving the world from the evilest of evils for all time. In the future, historians would look back on this moment and declare Rath the stupidest man in Elibe. That is, unless Elibe was already blown up by Serra, which means that the historians wouldn't exist.

Rath was WAAAAYYYY too cool to spare mankind.

"...Love advice."

Serra perked up her ears like that of a hound dog. "Seriously?! Well, my dear Rath, why didn't you say so before?" She grinned. A puppy died.

"Before, chick, you were yellin'."

Serra sighed. "Don't worry, Rath. You're in good hands. Auntie Serra knows EVERYTHING there is to know about love advice! EVERYTHING!! And with my help, you'll earn her heart in noooooo timmeeee at alll! Trust me! Sooo... Who's the victi- I mean, the lucky girl?"

Rath, his face like stone, said in a reverenting whisper, looking to the sky:

* * *

"Lyn! Dangblastit, woman, it's dead!"

Lady Lyndis stomped one spot on the floor, then stabbed it with her sword repeatedly. If ground could bleed, Elibe would drown in it.

"NOW it's dead. Eliwood, you can get off, you know. The spider's gone."

Eliwood, his bottom lip stuck out, slowly unattached himself from Lyn's head. "Lyn, that was so BRAVE!" He hiccuped.

Hector opened his mouth, about to give Eliwood a sissy talk, when he heard a strange noise.

"Whassat?"

Lyn smiled. "Whatever it is, let's go beat it up! WHEEEEE!!"

On a mad killing spree, she skipped out the door.

Eliwood, sucking his thumb, stumbled behind.

"You know," said Hector to Marcus, "Sometimes I can't tell whether Lyn's a guy or a girl. I mean, besides her womanly figure, long hair, and the giggling. Boy, am I glad nobody else in the army is that confusing."

Marcus giggled and fluffed his pink (totally NATURAL!!!) hair. "Yeah," he said, winking.

"E-excuse me," said Lucius, sticking his head in, "Does anybody know where I could borrow a dress? Lord Eliwood just fell in the mud and desperately needs new clothes."

Marcus turned and began ruffling through Eliwood's wardrobe. "Do you want a pink one or a green one? Or maybe this nice blue."

"Oh, blue," said Lowen. "It, like, totally matches Eliwood's green hair."

"Yep," said Hector happily, "I sure am glad nobody else in the army is a weirdo."

* * *

"Oookkkaaayyy, Rath!!" Serra screeched. "Lesson number 3!"

"But this is the first lesson you've taught me, pu-"

"NEVER DISAGREE WITH A GIRLIE!! WE'LL KILL YOU!!" She slapped him on the back. "Now, if you want to earn a girl's heart, here's the best thing to say. All you have to say is... 'I'm rich'."

"I'm... Rich?"

Screams filled the air as three girls with different hair colors were hurtled atop of Rath, their Pegasi landing nearby.

"Wow, that was fast! See, Rath, aren't I good? Rath? ...Rath? OH, c'mon. They only weigh, like, 10 pounds each."

* * *

"Yesh," said Super-Spy Hector, "Plan set in motion!!"

"Hector?"

"Yeah?"

"...Can we get out of these bushes now? They're giving me split ends."

"Shut UP, Eliwood!"

* * *

_A/N: Well, that seemed somewhat slipshod. Anyways, once again, I'm really sorry for the lateness. And for the un-hyperness. I was up till 12 the night before writing a paper when I wrote half of this. Anyways, yep! Talky time! In the first time in a LOOONNNNGGGG time._

_Fire Emblem Mew Mew- I'm sorry, I couldn't... Anyways, yeah, I liked Ninian too. She's awesome!_

_Aquatic Idealist- Seriously? Thank youuuuu! ...Well, it wouldn't be me if I didn't torture Rath. Don't worry, things'll get better next chapter! Or worse. Either way, really. I hope you liked it!_

_Dark Blaziken- I'm trying to use Guy. He's being stupid, though. Marcus&Merlinus? Oh, I am so using that! Yep! Thanks for reading!_

_Celebaby20- Yeah, I finally stuck him in. Took me a while. I figured as I tortured everybody I may as well torture him too. I'd love to use Denning! I think he's funny! And it's so fun to watch him get stabbed through with a sword!_

_Halfsmile- Serra is the best character to write for in the whole game, or at least in my opinion (Serra's behind me, holding a knife). She's awesome and it's easy to know what she would do! Hee! Thanks!_

_sagewolf- Well, I finally got Rath in. Yes! Go me! Yeah, Sain's really special. Almost as much as Serra. Stick 'em together and you've got fun! Oh! Well, I figure Sain gets beat up by girls enough, so I don't need to torture him as much. Even though it's fun. I got a little bit of Brammimond in here. I'll probably include him more in later chapters. My devised wanna-be character! Hee! I dunno about the rest... Isn't Barigan the knight dude from... Um... Ilia? Thank you for reading!_


	19. Chapter 19

_A/N: Ughhhh... I warn you before you begin, this is not the concluding chapter of Rath's Ways. I was taking way too long, and I figured I may as well make it a three shot or it would never get out! I blame high school entirely. Okay, I don't want to keep you from the long-awaited Rath goodness, if you're even reading my author's note. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!_

Rath's Ways

19

"That movie..." The queen of heaven sighed delicately then blew wads of mucus from her nose into a tissue, "Was the most beautiful thing EVER."

Roland, throwing up beneath her, groaned his disagreement. "I didn't like the part where the guy gave the girl those diamonds."

"That was the best part!!!" Elimine screeched. "Diamonds are the best thing EVEERRRRR!!!! Besides clothes!!"

"But Elimine, the only reason she loved him was because he had lots of money-"

"DON'T DISAGREE WITH ME!!!" She screeched again. "I know WAAAAYYYYY more about love than you do! You think that love is about feelings and being together forever!! The audacity! Didn't your mother ever teach you that she only married your father because he was rich and powerful?"

"Ummm... No."

"Well, take it from me, kid. Love is all about materialism," the queen of everything good concluded seriously. "True love is measured in the dollar signs that show up in a woman's eyes when she sees her guy."

Roland, innocently wondering what the meaning of life was all about now that Elimine had removed true love from the list, was interrupted from his extremely slow thinking process by the door slamming open.

"Elimine!!" A breathless messenger arrived. He therefore had to sit on the couch and wheeze for a few seconds before delivering his ultra-super-important-fantastical message. Of doom. "It's Brammimond!!"

"Is he/she/it wearing my tutu again?! I told that wanna-be to stop copying me and my amazing style!!"

"No, it's worse! He/she/it was sitting in his/her/its little tomb of emo-ness, being all depressed and waiting for the world to end, you know, ever since he/she/it met up with that Harry Potter guy, when he/she/it suddenly sprang up and teleported!"

"...To where? And why?"

"Sources say that he/she/it..." The messenger flipped through a stack of paper. "First gained a sparkly dress, pink hair, and a clerical staff. He then declared, 'Roole te werldd!!' before flouncing away and teleporting. Does that mean anything to you, Miss Elimine?"

Elimine's eye twitched. "Elimine- I mean, myself-, NO. How could this have happened?! Serra was thousands of miles away!!! And Brammimond's practically in the center of the earth!"

"Right before his transformation, the charts show a large sound spike of roughly 8 billion decibels. The whole of Elimine probably heard it. Heck, Magvel probably heard it. I bet the Demon King is covering his ears right now... Or cowering and sucking his thumb in terror."

"Darn it!" Elimine kicked her footrest in irritation as he let out a whimper. "I should have known this would happen!!! Brammimond's insane- he- I mean, it- er, she?- will do everything that Serra does the second he/she/it gets near her! If Serra attempts to kill me, Brammimond will too!"

"Oh, no." The messenger's eyes grew wide. "You're dead."

"Yeah, I know."

"Brammimond's pretty powerful."

"...We were afraid of Brammimond? I was talking about SERRA. If there's two of her, the world will fall apart. It can hardly handle ONE of her!! The laws of nature will start flying about! Lyn will wear a ball gown! Ann will forget the square root of pi to the thousandth place! Pegasi will just become horses with big cardboard wings! Eliwood will wear something from the men's side of the store!! The world's going to crack!!!!!" She somberly turned to Roland. "Roland, it's time to bring out the big guns."

Roland pressed a button, revealing weapons of mass destruction in huge rows lined up inside their wall, not to mention a kitten with a little ribbon around its neck.

"No, no. All of those can't do a thing to a force like Serra." Wilting, Roland pressed the button again. "No. We need something even more powerful!!! We need something unstoppable!!! We need-"

"A new toilet," Hanon announced, walking out of the restroom. "Sorry, dudes. I was thinking about the whales, and so I sat in there for two days. When I finally realized I needed to flush, the toilet was already, like, blown up, man."

"Oh, that explains the smell!" Roland said cheerfully.

"TWUE LUV!!!!" Elimine exclaimed.

After the heavenly choir stopped singing, Roland stared at her with his eyes bugging out. "I thought you said that true love was nothing but diamonds and stuff!!"

Elimine whacked him. "I said TWUE LUV-" the choir interrupted loudly "-Not true love."

"What's that?"

"Yeah," Hanon said, scratching at her pits. "What's that? Is it, like, whales?"

"No. It is something even more deadly than whales! It is the fluffiest, sparkliest, heart-oozing-est, brain-melting-est, teeth-rotting-est thing that has ever walked the earth!! Frankly, a match for Serra! But it'll be a close fight, what with having to find people that share TWUE LUV." Batting away the cherubs and ignoring the choir, Elimine grinned evilly. "Yes, this will work. Roland!!"

The former hero that had fought dragons, dark magic, and worse, cringed at the sound of the woman's voice. "...Yeah?"

"Go find me a person in Eliwood's Elite that is in TWUE LUV!!"

"BUT HOW WILL I KNOW?" Roland managed to yell over the hallelujah chorus.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

"YEAH, HOW DO YOU KNOW HE LOVES HER?! HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S HERS?"

"I feel a song coming on," the messenger exclaimed. (OMG, Enchanted!)

Before said song could commence, Elimine kicked Roland through the clouds and down to Earth.

* * *

"What is it, Milady?" Lowen called.

"Aw, nothing to beat up," Lyn called back mournfully. "Just a pile of girls."

Sain was there and drooling in about a millisecond.

Meanwhile, the Pegasus sisters were getting up from the totally cool Rath, who was coolly flattened on the ground and resembled a pancake. Obviously, the main factor in this being cool was that Rath was in it, and he made this pose look as awesome and cool and gangsta as a guy leaning on a wall with a gun. Serra was babbling something nearby, but nobody was really paying attention, as usual.

"What happened?" Lyn asked, as Rath tried to get himself back to a 3-D form.

"We were just flying around, minding our own business, when this THING appeared in front of us and scared our horses to death!" Fiora responded, shaking.

"How would you describe it?" Lyn questioned. Florina burst into tears at having to remember it.

"You couldn't pay me a million bucks to look at it again!!" Farina wailed. From Farina, the refusal of money meant worse than death. Obviously, the hideous thing had scarred the Pegasus sisters for life. Er, more than they already had been.

"What could be so terrifying that the Pegasus sisters would be like this?" The green knight beside her beamed.

"I don't know, but comforting people is the best way into their beautiful, beautiful hearts. My dearest F-"

"Sain. I haven't killed anything in the past five minutes. The bloodlust is driving me insane. The Pegasus sisters have something for me to kill. I find that lovely and interesting. If they run away screaming because of you, and my hideous beast to kill is gone, I am going to murder something else. Probably the thing that took my beast away. _Got it_?"

As the whole camp cowered in terror at her rage, Sain mentally admired his liege's beautiful face and nodded at what she was saying. However, he was far too infatuated to really listen. What he heard in Sain-language was something along these lines: "**Sain. I** _blah blah blah. Blah blah_ **and**_ te blah. _**The Pegasus sisters**_ blah blah. Blah te _**love**_blah blah. Blah te blah, blah_ **you**_._"

"Yes, I understand your feeling completely!!" He exclaimed happily in response, but with no surprise. After all, these confessions of love came everyday. Although sometimes the women would deny it afterwards, he knew that they secretly still pined for him. Women: 0. Sain: A million billion.

"Good. Now, where did Eliwood and Hector go? And where are your Pegasi?"

"Probably stinking up someone's front yard. I TOLD you, it scared them to death!"

* * *

"Do you see what I see?"

"No," Eliwood whined, "Because you're standing on my head. And I'm still in these bushes. And I need to go potty."

"Oh, be a man. I only weigh 280 pounds without my armor." Super-Spy Hector (armor included!) pointed with his magnifying glass. "Now, look at that hideous thing there!"

"I don't wanna," Eliwood sniffled. Hector responded by jumping down and shoving the magnifying glass in Eliwood's face. Eliwood gave a gasp.

"Yeah, pretty ugly, right?"

Eliwood burst into tears. "I want that dress!!"

Hector groaned.

* * *

While Lyn was distracted, Serra dragged Rath away.

"See? I told you! You say that you're rich and three girls just fall on you! Plus, Lyn came over! And she's not even a girl!"

Rath jerked. "What you say, chick?!"

"Well, I mean, she's a girl. But not a _girl_, you know."

Rath's eye twitched as he tried to figure this statement out. Finally, deciding that girls were far too strange to ever logically understand, he went with it. Because he's cool.

"Okay, next on the list. You have to appeal to what girls like. And girls like pink. And sparkles."

Rath was starting to feel suspicious, and he had no idea why. "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, woman?"

"I mean... PUT ON THIS TUTU!!!!"

Rath hardly had time to scream girlishly in protest that he was MALE before the pink, sparkly thing was shoved over his head. And Serra began waving around beauty materials. Fifteen minutes later, the gangsta Rath felt more like a pony.

"Go get 'em, tiger!"

"Rath's no tiger, chick."

* * *

Roland was not a happy camper. Especially in this camp.

"Gotta find TWUE LUV," he muttered to himself. Spotting two people sitting together, he skipped on over. However, the two couldn't see him because they were... ermm... distracted. "EWWWW!!!" Roland screamed like a little kid. "Yucky yucky!"

Roland just didn't understand! Everywhere he looked, there were lots of cannibal people eating each other's faces, but no TWUE LUV (heavenly chorus). Roland didn't really like Elibe anymore. Where was he gonna find it? From what Elimine had said, TWUE LUV (chorus!) was sparkly, and pink.

Suddenly, Roland spotted it. The girl in TWUE LUV (chorus!) was currently getting shoved out a tent door. Roland, beaming in happiness that he would not be whipped by Elimine, ran on over to grab the person in TWUE LUV (chorus!). As soon as he latched onto the person's arm, they teleported back to heaven.

* * *

"Roland, why have you brought me a strange little elf wearing a tutu?"

Roland puffed up his chest. "This girl is in TWUE LUV!"

Elimine glared over the heavenly chorus. "Are you kidding me? For one, this is a guy. Err... I think. And two, wearing pink doesn't mean anything."

Rath looked at the queen of heaven with no emotion. "Rath don'o like tutus, chick."

"Oh, fantastic. He's Kutolah."

"Why? Oh, because of his clothing?"

"No, Roland. Because under his tutu he's got a big golden dollar sign on a chain. And he just said the word chick." Elimine slapped her forehead. "Crap. I can't speak Kutolah AT ALL."

"I can," a person with a lot of B.O. announced from the back of the room. "The whales taught me."

"What?"

"When I'm not saving the whales," Hanon replied seriously, "I go and rap with all my gangsta friends." She turned to Rath, put her hands in a very gangsta symbol, and jammed. "Yo yo yo, my homie bro."

"Yo," Rath responded back with a completely blank look as the messenger tried not to roll on the floor in laughter. (OMG ROFL)

"What do you want me to say to him?"

Elimine thought. "Ask him if he loves anybody."

"My brotha, you wanna get some girl huh?"

"Yo yo, don't be bangin' on me like that, dawg!" Rath replied. "'Course I do. Hottest chick you EVA gonna see with your sorry eyes YEAAAAHHHH."

"I hear ya, my homie. She a fine chick, mm-hmm. She a gangsta girl?"

"Ya know it, man. Er, chick."

"She's Sacaean," Hanon translated.

"Lyn," Elimine realized in a flash of the COMPLETE OBVIOUS. Suddenly, all that drooling and rapping on Rath's part made sense. "They're in-" The choir decided it didn't even need to hear the words to start singing loudly.

"So, all we have to do to defeat Serra is make these two show their TWUE LUV?" (Several hoarse voices tried to sing) Roland asked happily. Who knew taking Serra down could be so not-deafening and not-blinding?

"That's right, Roland! But first we must make them realize their love! MWA HA HA HA HA!!!!"

"Rath don'o like how you talkin' bout him," Rath interrupted. He was then drop-kicked back to earth, right in front of one green haired lady...

* * *

"Rath!" Lyn cheerfully greeted him despite the blood spattered on her clothes and sword. And that he fell from the sky. And that he was in a pink, sparkly tutu. "Guess what?" Rath grunted. "You got it! The Pegasus sisters found something for me to kill!!" Clapping her hands and spinning in a little circle, she looked just like a beautiful, innocent child with a whole lotta bloodlust.

The totally cool Rath was being awesomely silent... Because keepin' yo mout' shut makes da ladies swooooonn!!! Translation into Lycian: Rath was blushing and at a loss for words in the presence of the beautiful, glorious, amazing...

Lyn swung her sword around, accidentally decapitating a few bystanders. "Hey, you wanna come? What's with that expression, Kent?"

"Nothing, milady," he muttered, wincing. Lady Lyndis was such a kind and benevolent leader... ermm... when she wasn't killing people. Or about to kill people. Or thinking about killing people. Actually, she never was, but Kent would kill himself rather than admit such a thing about his lady. Seriously. Get a life, Kent.

"Ignore him," Sain laughed, giving his partner a slap on the back. "He's got a stick stuck up his butt. Never has any fun!" Lyn was shocked.

"Well, no wonder he's grumpy! Get it out!" Sain blinked at her for a few seconds, his subconscious trying to deduce some way to turn her statement into a confession, or perhaps a logical statement, but failing miserably. Finally, he just let his hormones do the talking.

"A brilliant, glorious, amazing, wonderful, red as a rose, bright as the dawn, BEAUTIFUL idea! Thank you, oh brilliant, glorious, amazing, wonderful, red as a rose, bright as the dawn, BEAUTIFUL Lady Lyndis!"

"Go whack your head on a wall, Sain."

"What a brillia-"

"Bye!" Lyn cheered, and with a wave of her shiny sword (along with a few rolling heads), she skipped off into the sunset (over several dead bodies). Rath stood drooling for only a moment before taking off behind her. Because that's how cool he is. GANGSTA!

* * *

"What's taking that idiot so long to tell Lyn that he's desperately in-" she quieted her voice "-you-know-what with her?" The heavenly choir huffed in disappointment. "Serra and Brammimmond are going to kill somebody or destroy the world, and he's... What's he doing, Roland?"

Roland flipped around from his favoritest show about a purple dinosaur, and stared at Elimine. "Ummm... He's actually... Wow, he's getting close to her!"

"Really?" Elimine whipped out her binoculars, which she used to spy on people. Er, I mean, to make sure the little children were reading their scripture. Through her amazing eagle's eye view, she spotted... "Roland, you idiot, she's just using him as a tissue! And now she's running off to kill the thing again!"

"But he LIKES it," Roland pointed out stubbornly.

"Whatever. No, I must devise some way to get the two of them together. Rath would never tell her anything, because he's so blasted QUIET. And Lyn, even if he did say something, would probably not hear it because she's stabbing something." She rubbed her hands together. "Okay, we're on to plan number one! Make them jealous!" She turned to Roland, who was cowering, and Hanon, who was sniffing her arm pits. "Are you ready?"

"Let's save the whales!!" Hanon yelled, and the three dove through the clouds and down to earth.

* * *

"Quick, Rath! The sisters said they saw it around here!" Whooping, Lyn went forward.

Suddenly, Rath spotted her.

Her eyes sparkled from a flashlight. Her figure, which was slim and wonderful, could hardly be seen from the green odor floating around her, which Rath could smell from his distance. Her long, beautiful hair flowed in the wind... From her armpits. He felt like he had seen her before, but a certain drop-kick aimed right at his head prevented poor little Rath's brain from ever thinking again.

Rath had eyes only for the fist she was repeatedly smacking into a red haired man next to her.

She swayed over to him then, various plants and animals dying in her wake.

"Hiiiii, Rath," she said, fluttering her eyelashes. "My name's Hano- I mean, Hannah. I like beating up guys... And whales. I like whales."

"Idiot!" Roland hissed from next to her, "He'll know!"

"Go with the flow, dude!" 'Hannah' said, giving Roland a nice pat on the head. With a shovel. "Soooo. What's _your_ name, Sir Rath? Also, do you find me attractive? Because you should."

Rath grunted.

"Aw, thanks. So, is that your ugly girlfriend over there? She looks like a whale. No offense to the whales."

Lyn was having issues. Her extreme love of blood was clogging her vision with all this stupid red color. "Rath..." She whined, doing something vaguely resembling a potty dance. "There's something I have to kill. Kill, Rath! Kill!"

"Raaatth," Hanon whined, "Don't listen to the woman you know and love, listen to me, a complete stranger you met ten seconds ago!"

Rath was very conflicted. Two beautiful, violent women were competing. For his gangsta self. He had already talked more today than he had in the past ten years of his life (his mouth was swelling from overexertion). For the first time in his life, Rath was wanted by more than a bobcat for dinner. If he wasn't so terribly emotionally scarred, he might have realized this and become a regular member of society. But Rath was Kutolah. So Rath did the only fitting thing. He

STOMPED THE YARD!!!

* * *

Lucius was walking (skipping) through the meadows around the camp, just for fun. His soprano singing echoed, as the flowers all danced along. Small animals came and began to add accessories to his robe. It was so very beautiful, and so very... Disturbing.

The sun, which had been dancing and smiling to the song, suddenly gave a screech and was surrounded by pink clouds. A terrible sparkly fog came and settled upon the meadow. From the dark, curling mist walked-

"ROOLE TE WERLDD!!!"

Lucius gave a bellow (high pitched squeal), pulled up his skirts, er, robes, and took off running.

"Hey, Lucy!" Serra waved from a random place in the forest. "Wanna come help me plot to destroy the world? We have cookies and popcorn. And weapons of mass destruction! Bow down!"

"Yeah!" Nino waved happily from a nearby log. "When I eat animal crackers, I bite the heads off, because that makes me happy!"

Jaffar dropped from the trees, threw Nino over his shoulder, and disappeared into thin air. Jaffar can move faster than the speed of light, because when light sees Jaffar or comes in contact with Jaffar, it dies and reduces the speed. There is a complex mathematical formula for this known as **Jaffar = PWNxinfinityxawesome.** Even Jaffar's name in the formula kills the formula. Jaffar's name kills little puppies and eats them for breakfast, soaked in kryptonite and nails.

Yes, Jaffar is that awesome. Which totally doesn't explain why Jaffar doesn't just kill Serra and get it over with. Ahem. Oh, yes. I was telling a story.

Serra scowled and stood up to face the he/she/it before her. Using one finger to point viciously at the newcomer, she let out a "ONLY I CAN WEAR THAT MUCH PINK!!!"

Brammimmond scowled right back. "Oh. My. God. Who do you think you are, me?"

"This planet isn't pink enough for the two of us," Serra responded seriously, brandishing her weapon of choice, also known as a voicebox. "So we're just going to have to..."

"Conquer Elibe and move into heaven where we'll destroy Elimine?"

At these very words, the two both let out a screech of "ROOLE TE WERLDD!!!"

Serra smiled at her new bestest friend ever.

* * *

_A/N: I am officially a pitiful failure. It's been 8 months and I've hardly written this much. I only have one conclusion, which is that high school sucks. A ton. Because cranking out another several sentences would probably take me a few months, and I never want to take a YEAR to update something, I have cut this chapter short and made it a three part. I'm really sorry! Please order Jaffar to kill me. Or Serra. Or anyone besides Lowen and Wallace, both of whom would get lost. Yep. So, I am officially very slow, and I deserve to listen to Serra's singing. Thank you all so much for supporting me, even though I'm pathetic! I will now have a talky time, if people can even remember what they commented years ago._

_Aquatic Idealist- Yeah, mine too... Who knew Rath was so interesting to write? Well, I hope the shattering expectations was a good thing! Thank you!_

_Sonic Phantom- Um, Karel definitely. According to my inner child, he talks in third person and loves himself and fighting. Karla... Ummm... I've never gotten her, so it would be difficult for me to write her. What's she like? Yes, my FE skills are pretty bad. Haha. Thank you, and hiiii you're new!!! Glad you liked it!_

_Absol Master- Understatement of the year, Hector! Yeah, he's weird himself, so he can't judge. So, I guess I need to add Karel, huh? He'll be fun. Thank you so much for reviewing!_

_sagewolf- Barigan, Hartmut, and Bartre-of-old. Yaaayyy! Hector's really oblivious, but that's why we love him. Hee hee. I must include them! Thank you for providing FE updates on people my short-term memory has forgotten! And, of course, for reviewing! Good stuff. I hope you liked this chapter!_

_DarkBlaziken- You're completely right! I've never even thought of Drew and Rath being similar before!! Gasp. This sheds some light on the situation, haha. Umm, the point of Rath being cool is that I kinda don't like him... And making him cool is the only way I stop my hatred. I actually like him now, though, so yay! Hector is trying to get rid of the spies, but he can't find them. And now you understand why the three were falling all over Rath! And Farina does like money. Very, very much. Thank you tons and tons for reviewing and reading!_

_Moonlit Assassin- I probably won't get into any serious romances here, because that's not how my humor fics usually roll. I do like sarcastic or funny romances. Yep, yep. And Rath and Lyn are so easy! I like them too, I guess... Kent's better, but Rath's now off my kill list. And I'm glad I could give you some Rath, because he turned out to be an awesome guy. Er, cool. Yes, Denning will arrive. I didn't get him in this chapter, but he will make an appearance. Thank you for reading and reviewing, and I hope you like Rath in this chapter too._

_Fire Emblem Mew Mew- Thank you! It's great that you liked it. And yes, Lyn does seem like the type to kill spiders while Eliwood hides, doesn't she? Thank you! Lots!_

_serene-fire- Marcus is definitely girly, but I'm not sure about Lowen. He's just blind. Serra would never kill herself! Never ever! It would be like killing the person you loved most! Whee, traintrack and Serra. Who the heck gave Serra a train?! Welcome to Serra's Ways, and I'm glad you liked it._

_Halfsmile- Thank you! Yeah, Hector doesn't understand tactics, he just swings his ax around... Pretty much. Okay then. Welcome to my story, and thank you for reviewing!_

_Once again, thank you all so much for supporting me and not killing me over the wait. You are amazing reviewers and you make me smile._


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